ringing in 2010...

For the first time since I have known my husband we will be actually stepping out into the land of the living on New Years Eve..........yes I know this is totally unheard of, we have been the king and queen of the quiet.... once quaint New Years Eve's.........

It all started about 6 years ago, the first time we rang in the new year together, when we did a big fancy dinner....surf and turf....and a romantic movie......I will admit, it has sort of gone down hill from there...not the company, just how grand the event has been.......one reason is because of my own little tradition consisting of, me... a bottle of red wine... and a big huge bag of plain Lay's potato chips, something that I don't let myself have any other time of the year...that's right a lays potato chip doesn't enter this body other than on New Years Eve...why you ask......well because I would weigh 500 pounds if I kept those lying around......yes just to give you a visual....... there have been occasions that "T" has sat down to a big gourmet swanky steak dinner and I have had a basket of Lays, some chip dip and a glass of wine in front of me..........and never been happier!!!! lol

So last week a friend and I were emailing back and forth and of course New Years Eve came up....you know the conversation........"what are you guy's doing"... "nothing what are you guy's doing".......so after a few emails back and forth we had decided that a group of us would go to Fellini's a great restaurant downtown........so fun.......about 5 couples.....lots of wine, some great Italian fair and some good laughs........now I must admit that before I checked the yes box...I did have a fleeting thought about Mr Lay....Frito Lay that is.....and the fact that we will not be having our usual rendezvous.......oh well better for my thighs I suppose....however sad all the same.......breaking tradition......I guess change is always good....right?????

I wish all my blogging friends the most wonderful New Year.......may all our hopes and dreams come true in 2010!!
m :)

unscathed........I'd be lying!

I would like to tell you that I managed to get through the holidays.....unscathed, happy...not sad.......and I could tell you that, let you all believe that I truly lived my last post and continuously reminded myself of all the things that I am grateful for! I would be lying though.......I tried....honestly every time I felt a twinge of sadness, or disappointment I would close my eyes and ask God to help me remember all things that I have been given...to help me think about all the people in the world that are hurting and prayed for their survival...

Most of the time this would work....I would think of all of this as I looked over to my husband and loving family and I was quickly reminded that I didn't have much to complain about, I am truly blessed!


I would be lying though if I said that there where not a few occasions over the holiday's that I had a lapse...a moment......a wave wash over me of absolute despair....of intense sadness....even a few moments of envy......thankfully in these moments I had my husband and family around me to pull me back up....put the positive thoughts back into my head......help clear away the negativity.


For some reason right now I just feel a lot of anger, I feel envious of all the other couples that have been matched.....I feel sad for the couples that have been waiting and waiting just like us and I wonder do they feel the same as I do....or do they get through with the power of positive thinking all the time.......I don't want to look at facebook and see all the new pregnancy announcements...the new baby arrival pictures....I don't want to see new success stories on the online websites.....I hate that I feel this way......but right now I really wonder how much longer can we do this to ourselves...how much longer can I wake up and fall asleep sad.....I don't want to give up, but I need something to keep me going.....I need something to tell me that there isn't anything wrong with us....because at this point I feel like there is something we are missing!

This process is much harder than I ever thought possible.....for anyone involved in the adoption process birthmother, birthfamily...adoptive parents...for everyone.....from the depths of my heart, I hope that someday I can say that this was all worth it....

Christmas Eve.....

I want this post to be as positive as possible........I don't want to look back at this someday and feel disappointed in myself for being negative and not grateful for all the things that I have....which are so many!

So I will focus on the positive things that have happened since last Christmas......I have a wonderful family....business....friends.....this year has matured me...has made me open my heart and my head to new thoughts.....new ideas.......I now know that things don't just always work out as planned....now believe me I did realize this, I have had many hard things to get through....but I have learned this year to have more patience than ever before...to look at things from a different angle...to be totally thankful for what I do have and prepare my heart for whatever is next!!!!

My faith has grown, I have opened my heart more than ever before to trust that what is supposed to happen will and I will be okay with that in time........that is why at this point I can't give up.....right now I am more ready for a child to join our family..more than ever!

This year has been the hardest year of my life, but this year I have learned that their are things that are so much worse for others........last night I was watching a program about a women that is waiting for a lung transplant, she has been waiting 7 months......now that is waiting.....I couldn't even think about what we are waiting for....this is this women's life, she has children a loving husband a family that love her, and she is waiting for something that is going to prolong her time with them.....I would give up my wait for her....last night I prayed for her..... someone I don't even know rather than myself.....she needs this...her family needs this.......

So this year I am thankful for so many reasons........who knows what next year will bring......more hope, more faith...more new friendships....more love........

Merry Christmas Everyone!
m :)

I am such a bad blogger right now......work is NUTS...crazy insane......2.5 days left....I think I can I think I can........

The bright side is I have F-O-U-R days off during the holidays, never has this happened before....I am SO SO excited!!!

Well back to business...just thought I would check in!

HO HO HO
m :)

new friendship...brings new thoughts

In the past couple of weeks I have formed a friendship(or I think it is a friendship...lol) with a women that is a birthmother.....this has been an amazing experience for me, I will treasure this relationship always....not only as a new friendship but as someone that has opened my mind and my heart to some new thoughts and hopes!

The two of us have communicated over email....chatted on the phone, read each others blogs or websites....became facebook friends and through all of these different things, now know many things about each other!

At a time of year where I will be honest I am not feeling my best, there are more sad moments than happy.....this women has made me see the other side...."T"and I desperately want our dreams of a family to be fulfilled....we just can't imagine this not happening for us....but to be honest when we are in our darkest hours we don't give the other side of the story much thought.....our happiness will bring such sadness to another human being....a human being that is giving us the most amazing gift......
Since getting to know this women better, I have listened to the stories she has shared with me about her experiences throughout the last few years......the highs and the lows of her birthmother story....

As I am sitting here today.......I actually have tears in my eyes, just thinking about her pain at this supposedly magical time of year.......I hope, hope.... hope that someone will be as strong, courageous, and selfless as she was a few years ago for us.......since getting to know her, my thoughts and opinions about adoption have changed a little....I always thought I was very open to many different scenarios....but I can see my willingness for openness has changed........I can see how important it truly is....not only for the child that we will hopefully be bringing into our home but for the women that has given us such a gift......the past few weeks have been so amazing to me.....
I still can hardly believe what a gift this has been.....a chance to hear about another adoption story...to really see it from the other side......the pain, the happiness...all the emotions that are still so raw for her....now if we are ever lucky enough to be in a situation of discussing an adoption plan......I will truly know a tiny bit of the emotion that is being felt on the other side.....I pray that if we are ever(hopefully) in this situation....I am reminded of these stories I have heard over the past few weeks...to take our happiness and feel it, but to also truly feel the other side....be aware of it....be aware of the emotions that surround it, take care to support and speak truthfully, from the heart......and to always remember what is best for this little life that is coming into the world...

I pray that we both get through this holiday season....that we come out of it stronger and ready to look at the New Year as a new beginning........with such possibilities.....you just never know when a new door will open that makes things so much better!!!!

m :)

SCAMMERS!!

I will never ever understand this, in my whole entire life I will not get why people deliberately do things to hurt and confuse other people....why why why....

I like to refer to these people in my life as SCAMMERS...they have nothing else to do but write emails or leave phone messages about some "baby" that they have available for adoption.........so people like me, if they happen to catch me at the right moment get my hopes up...I start believing that it just might be possible to adopt a child from tim buk two....ughgh....just to paint the picture her for you....on my blackberry I have all my email addresses synced....the last email address I added was our contact email for all our online registries.....so this is on the very top of applications on my screen, so I see it as soon as I look at my device....so when I see a little red star to the far right of my blackberry shining brightly, my stomach is in knots...I can't get that app open fast enough.............so too finally open my mail and have it be some crazy E%$CA D(#L)$IN from India wanting my money for a baby, I am so ready to lose it .......give me a break.....come on....please people if you would just spend all this energy on something constructive you would be doing really well in this world.....

Now when these certain people catch me on a "good day" when I am feeling confident and feisty.....they have no hope............"shame on them" I say and they are sooooooo stupid....obviously they want $$$$$ guess what folks in Canada you can't even buy a potential birthmother a coffee...not even a box of chocolates or a card NOTHING NADA ZERO....so these idiots are sooooooooo wasting their time....let alone mine and my husbands and all the other couples out there receiving these bogus contacts....

I am sure that sometimes they have had success...obviously not even the worst people in the world are going to continue doing things like this without some success......so I feel so sad for anyone that has got caught up in a Scam..........I understand how it would happen....we are vulnerable.........it is the holidays...we all want to complete are families.....they know this...they know this is the time we are the weakest..........but I feel sad and (very gullible...lol) sometimes that there are people out there in this world that would take advantage of caring hopeful couples in this world!!!....I guess just another lesson in life.....it just isn't always fair!

"shame on them"
m

The Pfile Christmas Party RETURNED!!

So SAT night T and I had our annual Christmas Party!!! Now when I say annual that is not entirely true...we missed last year because.... well basically I was being a total scrooge and really just wanted to sleep through Christmas.....and to be honest leading up to last night I was TOTALLY dreading this party......I was going through the motions...prepping and planning and fussing over my "stations" and fun treats I would serve....but deep down I just wanted it all to go away......festive I was NOT feeling!!!



But something happened Sat to get me into the mood again.....as I chatted about the party at work all week, I noticed the girls that I work with getting kind of excited about it....wondering what I would be having and wanting me to bring in the leftover goodies....they were pumped....probably they are just so relieved I have put the Christmas Funk of 08 to rest.....so when I left work, I had a little spring in my step and was starting to get excited about the upcoming festivities!!!



Well I was not disappointed.....we had a blast....such a great time with a great bunch of people!!! This party has always been the original group of friends of T's....these 5 guys started elementary school together and are still best of friends...it is so great...of course there have been others to join the clan since then...what a wonderful time to catch up with everyone...



All the food was gobbled up and drinks were flowing and I must add that the popcorn bar was a HUGE success....lol...it was so great to catch up with everyone...great way to start the Christmas Season!!!!

m:)

last christmas....

Christmas is certainly in the air isn't it......I can't believe how fast it is upon us and how uninspired I am truly feeling!!

I have been trying very hard to keep myself positive, keep myself busy and I am working very hard at getting into the Christmas spirit! Of course at work Christmas is all anyone is talking about, so it is really at the forefront of my day all the time!

Lately I have been hearing and reading tons of peoples thoughts about the holiday's.....much of the time is all very positive and happy....there seems to be a certain amount of excitement and anticipation that surrounds this time of year. There of course are a ton of people that don't feel as positive about the holidays and unfortunately I completely understand where they are coming from. I can remember listening to "scrooge" like people years ago and thinking come on get into the spirit...you bah humbug......oh man do I ever regret thinking that way right now!

As I listen to various plans and what people think future Christmas's will look like for them I am so envious.... I would love to go back to those naive moments when you truly thought everything was just going to work out to "plan".....a time when you had no idea what pain and heartache was to come....now in saying that I want to clarify I do get that if I wasn't at this point in my life the most wonderful things in my life would not have happened. I am not wanting to change anything, I am just saying that it would be so great to still be living in the sugar coated dream world where everything is just going to work out perfectly!!!!

This week we were contacted by another birthmother, she really seems like a very nice person and she is struggling...unfortunately after hearing about her situation and the circumstances that surrounded it we knew that it would just not be possible for us.......I know that I should be writing that we are just so thankful that we are being contacted and looked at due to the 2 websites we are on...and that is very true, we are very thankful for that.......but the selfish part of me is writing......please please can't something just work out already.......I want to get off this crazy emotional roller coaster that we are on........I want to feel like myself again....I want to be truly excited and happy about the holidays....I want to be able to have a little one in my salon and enjoy them for who they are not that they represent something that I would love to be lucky enough to have in my life........I don't want to be sad anymore......

Last Christmas I got through it with the thought that this would be it, our last Christmas just the two of us.....I guess that is the great thing about this crazy thing we call life...you can't see into the future so you always need to have hope...that is what will get you through. Whether you need to get through another baby shower, or awkward comment from a friend, or failed match or simply just to get through another December.....if you have faith, if you have hope it will always keep you strong enough to struggle through the tough stuff!!!

as my Dad would say....keep your chin up Chelle.....:)
m