So as I was just brushing my teeth, looking in the mirror...feeling depressed seeing tiny tears trickle out the corners of my eyes....I had an "aha" moment....not sure when Oprah came over but somehow she got into my head space....

Here I have been cursing 2011....you know, I was so sure this was "going to be our year" blah blah blah....well I am here to tell you, that for more reasons than our failed adoption match this has yet to be my families year...I know we are only 2 months in you might be thinking how is that even possible, but believe me it has been intense.....

What came to me though was this...who says this isn't going to be our year....the great thing about this, is it's only March....man we have months and months to make this "OUR" year....so that's it....2011 is going to my families year......we are going to be healthy, strong all of our dreams and prayers are going to be answered whatever they might be....and when we ring in the new year on Jan 1st 2012...we are going to be saying...we made it and look at this......2011 was our YEAR!!

this is a post dedicated to my dad, mom, and bro...my favorite cousins and their dad...and of course my awesome husband "T"...
m
xoxo

and we continue on....

So here we are again, it has been a month since we met Brynley. A month since our lives have been turned upside down and inside out. It is funny you know...everything seems different now...even the most ordinary things that I have been doing everyday for the past 36 years seem different...right now everything reminds me of this past month....I grab a piece of gum in my purse and realize ahhh this is the gum that Sarah told me to get....I open up our drawer in the kitchen and there is the bottle sterilizer gadget we bought....I go wedding dress shopping with my soon to be sister in-law and the owner of the shops gorgeous grand-daughter is there, just learning to walk and it reminds me of the things that we are not going to see Brynley do.

I have read in the past people's stories of failed adoptions.....whether it happened on day 2 or 22 they always said it felt like a death....that their child was ripped from them...gone forever.....I will admit I always thought...really, could it really be that bad...you have only just met this little person...it isn't like you carried this baby inside you for 9 months....well now I know....I am here to tell you that that is what it feels like....it feels like our child has been ripped from our arms...that all our dreams have been quickly shattered....we spent 3.5 weeks dreaming of our life with Brynley...falling totally in love with her....getting to know her......and then in one day it was all taken away....and there is just not one damn thing we can do about it!!!

I would say one of the hardest parts is that you are expected to go back to your life, and just continue on....no one talks about it, it is this HUGE elephant in the room...you know that everyone "knows" especially when you live in a small town...but very few mention it.....I so appreciate the ones that do...I may have a bit of a moment when they do, but it means so much more to me that they say something and just don't pretend they don't know....I have always been the type of person that needs to talk about things....I always feel that if you don't talk about it, it just gives more opportunity for the wrong information to get flying around...and if people are talking I want them talking straight...

I don't even know what the point of this post is....just a rant really....we are doing OK...I have yet to get through a day without tears, but I am sure I will someday....

and this chapter ends....

this chapter has come to an end....we are left with the question "why"....we love Brynley with all of our hearts, however it is time for us to move on I guess...we have to trust that this is the way it is supposed to be.

this is a little something someone wrote for us....a beautiful way of telling our story....

FOR MICHELLE AND TERRY
IT WAS LONG OVERDUE
A DREAM THAT
HAD BEEN THEIRS FOR
A YEAR OR TWO.

A BABY, A GIRL
THEIR OWN TO HOLD,
TO LOVE AND CHERISH
TO OWN TILL MATURE.
BUT SOMEONE
SAW DIFFERENT
HE SAID "NO"
SHE IS MINE,
MY OWN FLESH
AND BLOOD
NOT TO BE GIVEN
AWAY,
NO MATTER HOW LOVED.

SARAH WAS WILLING
THOUGH HER OWN FLESH AND BLOOD
TO PASS ON THE CARE
TO A COUPLE MOST ABLE
TO DO SO MUCH GOOD.

BUT NO NOT TO BE
NOT TO BE
SO HARD TO EXPLAIN,
MUCH HARDER TO ACCEPT.

PERHAPS THIS LITTLE ANGEL
HAS A MISSION TO FILL
SOME LESSONS TO LEARN
THAT ONLY SARAH AND FAMILY
CAN GIVE
WE DO NOT KNOW
WHAT HER MISSION IS TO FILL
WE ONLY KNOW
SHE WILL BE LOVED
AND GREATLY BLESSED
BY A BIRTH MOTHERS LOVE.

SHE WILL COME TO KNOW
OTHERS WANTED HER TOO
AND WILL CARRY
HER NAME ALWAYS FROM YOU.

YOU LOVED HER AT BIRTH
AND NOT ONLY FOR A WHILE
BUT SHE BECOMES
PART OF YOUR LIFE
TILL BOTH YOU AND SHE DIE.

asking the question "why"

I can't believe I am having to write this post. Not in my wildest dreams did I think this would happen to us....I think I am still in a state of shock and disbelief.

On Feb 1st we got the call....we where ecstatic...everything seemed perfect....4 days later we met our birth mother and her family at their house...we thought we would be there for about 1.5 hours at the most...3 hours later we were leaving hugging each other feeling very confident about this whole situation.

Over the next couple days "S" our BM as well as her mother and I had exchanged emails....we sent some pics of our new house, they sent info on the most recent DRs. appt......the baby was to be born on Thurs Feb 10th...
...the night before I called S to chat with her, give her our love....we talked for an hour....getting to know each other...she said she was nervous but everything would be okay....she said her Mom would call us as soon as the baby was born.......
....at 9:27 Thurs Feb 10th we were sent a beautiful picture of Brynley....she was perfect...our daughter was perfect....

and so the story continues, we went to the hospital and spent some more time with S and her family and of course finally got to meet Brynley....it was emotional but wonderful.....because our ministry approval was not in yet and there was a test the BF wanted done, Brynley was to stay in Foster Care for a week at the most....S and her family didn't love that idea, but we promised them that we would stay in a hotel and spend everyday with B....and we did.......one week turned into 2....then the BF started waivering in his decision........something that came out of left-field....no one expected it....a complete 180........the agency was feeling uncomfortable....we were in shock and S was freaking out!!

2 weeks became 3, with us still spending everyday with B.....finally it seemed that he was on board....openness agreements were being drawn up and then in one split second he turned and decided he was fighting S for sole custody of Brynley.....that was it.......B had to moved from the Foster Home to S's parents house where she lives.....everyone was in complete shock....no one was prepared for this....most of all S.....they had nothing.......they were still determined that their adoption plan was going to work.....they could convince him.....so here we are 5 days later....we have spent time at S's parents house, actually giving them all of the things we had borrowed or bought for Brynley. They would love us to be there all the time with Brynley but know why that might not be healthy seeing the situation........they have tried to reason with the BF but he seems to be very convinced that this is what he has to do........they will all now be communicating through lawyers........

where does this leave us.....who knows....all I know is it leaves us asking the question "why"...with broken hearts...