guilty........

I have been putting off writing this blog for a few days now....but I do feel that it is important for me to do so. I'm going to remind everyone that is reading this..........this blog is an outlet for ME.....I really do feel that it is a therapy as such.......I am really good at keeping things locked away deep inside(which I realize is sooo unhealthy) this seems to be the only way for me to get it out and deal with how I am feeling!
So what I am about to write is not to make anyone feel bad or sad..........this is about me!!!!

This past weekend we had a dinner date with 2 other couples........dear dear friends.....most times I would be sooo looking forward to this night.....but this time I just wasn't. I was beating myself up about it for weeks leading up to it......I was nervous how I was going to feel and I felt so guilty for having any of these thoughts because these are my friends and I just felt that I was wrong!

Sat night came and of course all day I had knots in my stomach....I actually felt nauseous about going.....but we went............I knew as soon as I opened the door to my girlfriends house that they were going to be able to tell something wasn't right....these girls especially one have known me for years.............but I couldn't shake it....I just was not feeling like myself.........

Okay you all must be thinking what, what the hell is going on....and I still obviously am having a hard time putting it down here.....but here goes..........my one girlfriend has a beautiful baby boy who is about 5 months old and my other girlfriend is having a baby in a few weeks....

I knew that these two would want, and should be talking everything baby.....I would. I truly felt that they should be.......the one should be asking the other every detail about the birth and what to expect, even the men should be sharing details! I was feeling so uncomfortable ahead of time because I wasn't sure how they were going to handle it and honestly if I was them I wouldn't have known what to do either.....should we talk about it in front of them or should we not.....god I hate being this couple that people are thinking they should be tip toeing around.....

So they thankfully choose to talk about everything which I was so happy about......they continued on like normal.........chatting away about it all.....I spent lots of time listening and playing with the baby.....

This is where I start to bring in the guilty part of my story........I wasn't into it....I know my one girlfriend could see it. I don't know if they understand and truly, I am happy they don't have to understand how I was feeling! It was not there fault it was me....and is me..........I just find it soooo difficult to sit and watch and listen to them talking about something that I will never ever get to experience.......NO this is not like waiting to find out if you are pregnant....this is not the same at all, we already know what that feels like...this is it for us..........we have NO more chances......we are in our mid to late 30's and if this doesn't happen through adoption....well that is it!
So for us to sit and listen to 2 couples talk about being pregnant and expecting and the miracle of child birth was just too much. For that I am sooooo sorry.....I don't know if either girls will read this but this is not meant to make you feel bad about Sat night this is meant to explain......how sorry I am.

I'm sorry I wasn't myself.......it was just too hard..........I hoped I would be okay......but to be honest I wasn't and I just had to leave.........I knew that you wanted to continue talking but I could sense that you felt maybe you shouldn't. It was just too much for me to think I was the reason you couldn't talk about all those wonderful things!

I promise I will love your children and once they are here everything will be fine.....it is so interesting and I have heard so many other waiting adoptive parents say this......it isn't about the babies that come into our lives...we love that, we love babies and children that is why we are all trying so hard to be able to be parents.....but the pregnancy part sometimes is just too much....the part that we know we will never experience.

Well there you have it....I already feel better just writing this........it got it off my chest and now we can move on....
ahh sometimes this whole thing just SUCKS.......I know that sounds very desperate hahaha maybe this whole blog did..........don't call the loony bin on me though....I'm fine...just had to get this one out in the open!

m :)

let us loose underground.....

This weekend my Mom and I headed to the big city for some QT time, shopping and a little business for me! We had so much fun.........we arrived late afternoon on Sunday, just enough time to make a stop at Ikea.........ahhh you know when you have a project in mind...that store is the best....I certainly started the redecorating of the cottage....oh so many fun ideas!! I can't wait to get started!!

So we closed Ikea down for the night and carried on to our hotel. Had a glass of wine, chatted and then walked over to a nearby restaurant....good food and lots of chatting...so fun!

This morning we were off to the ABA...which is the biggest "hair event" of the year.....the rest of my staff was meeting us at the show so Mom and I decided that we would just take the subway downtown......something that we are both comfortable with. Especially my Mom who lived in the city for 4 years, not that long ago when she was getting her masters........so off we went!!! Grabbed a Timmy's for the ride and sauntered off to the subway station.......then the fun began!!Our first mission was to get some tokens....so we ventured up to the wicket and there was a bit of special going on for today it looked like...lol 5 tokens for 11 dollars...not bad........I know we were only going to need 4 tokens for the day but this was a deal so I asked the nice man for that....gave him my money, he gave me my change and then nothing....we waited....I wasn't really sure what was going on and clearly neither was he.....finally he noticed that the little machine that is supposed to automatically drop your ticket to the underground world was broken...so he fiddled with it and within seconds out popped our tokens.........carry on.....

I did right through the gate........in the back of my mind I was thinking hmmm funny where do you pay.....I can't remember...is there a man at the door of the subway waiting for your token....well that would be really dumb...but that must be it because I am in and I haven't paid......I look back and there is Mom right behind me...........we get to our waiting area.......after a quick noncommittal look at the map....( you don't want anyone in the place to know that you don't really know what the hell you are doing now do you), and she blurts out as she looks in the palm of her hand......."oh no I forgot to pay"....mystery solved, you are supposed to pay at that little wicket.....opps.....well I guess we're getting a free ride today!!!

We get to our destination and head out..........now I am sure most of you are familiar with riding the subway.....but this is the part that I find so funny every time.......that crazy unfamiliar feeling you get when you hit ground level again...........you walk up the stairs with this blazing bright light almost blinding you, you place you feet on the pavement.... slowly look around and realize yep you don't have the foggiest idea where the hell you are!!!! Well that was us...........we even asked a few people..which exit we should be taking to get us to such and such a place....they really didn't care....waste of my breath...they just shrugged there shoulders...

that's when this guy enters our story...........a very concerned taxi driver...........haha yep he could spot us a mile away...lost ladies....tourists.....he yelled over with his thick accent "where do you want to go"...we told him, he smiled....would you like a ride over......smooth very very smooth.....we jumped at the chance..........so 10 bucks later for what turned out to be about a 6 min walk(we did manage to find our way back by foot) we arrived at the show!!! whew....

The show was great....lots to see....had a short impromptu meeting about some salon software...watched some great new trendy stuff.....after a few hours Mom and I looked at each other and said alright now lets get down to business.........back to the mall...time to SHOP!!

Well you know what that means..........high tale it back to the sub station...........

This time we did remember to drop our tokens in and ran down the stairs so not to miss the next train.............just as we are boarding I noticed that both trains were heading north.........what??? So I said to Mom are you sure this is the one we want....yep yep this is the one...okay we sat and got comfy...we had a bit of a ride...........well I don't know why but I just was having this feeling that this was not right.........so after about 2 stops I said.....ummm I think we are heading to the other north because by my calculations and this map above our heads we are on the wrong train.........sure enough we were.....hehehe......

okay so time to regroup....well thank goodness we caught our mistake in time....quickly my teenage lessons from my Uncle came flooding back...all the times I would stay at his place in the summer and he would hand me a subway map and let me loose....I made these kinds of mistakes often.........so off we get, run to the opposite train and got ourselves back onto our proper Northbound train.....ahhh too funny..........damn the TTC sure didn't make any money off of us today....we put alot of miles on those 2 tokens......we had quite the underground tour of the city .....subway stops are quickly becoming very attractive these days....the days of grungy graffiti are gone people...one station had a stunning mosaic treatment done on the walls!!! lol

So we finally made it back to the mall...........and we shopped and we shopped and we walked.....OMG...........my poor poor feet.........seriously.......unfortunatly my choice of footwear was more about impressing my colleagues than thinking about how many steps I would be taking today.....so you can get a visual here I had the highest pointiest black boots on.......aghhhh so stupid....by the end of the day, I was dying.......at one point I was walking behind a nice man that was pushing his elderly Mom in a rented wheelchair from the mall and I contemplated pushing them over and taking off with that shiny set of wheels......:)

AHHHH where are those "Grandma Shoes" when you need them!!!

All and all it was a great weekend.....lots of laughs as you can see....it is great to be able to spend time together......I remember the first time we did that type of weekend...it dawned on me that we had hit a turning point in our relationship.....my Mom although always my Mom had also become my friend....someone you can have fun with.....I'm glad the tradition has continued and can't wait for the next one!!!

m:)

you make a choice....good day or bad??

T and I had a very interesting conversation this morning......I am a morning person....most often I jump out of bed with a spring in my step ready to tackle the day....I love my hour in the morning where I workout....have my breakfast look around on the computer and chat with my Mom.....T on the other hand.......is the exact opposite.........he slowly gets out of bed at the last possible moment....he keeps the lights dim, doesn't really want to chat... just has some breaky, watches some sports and gradually starts his day!

The first time we actually "meet" in the morning is when I am about to start the hair part of my ritual......so as you can see I have already accomplished a lot by this time in the morning..(hehe, not a jab at all you lazy morning people...:))....... I am awake, aware and raring to go.......well this morning like most mornings T had his usual blank stare on as he climbed what you would think was Mount Everest by the look on his face but is actually only a few stairs.......and I ask "whats wrong".........now I know what the reply is going to be, because it is the same every morning.... but I continue to ask the question just because I think the answer is so funny........ "its morning time that's whats wrong!

That is usually where this conversation ends.....I laugh and we carry on.....but today he sat down beside me and said....."okay miss always chipper in the morning"....we then started discussing the fact that your attitude in the morning can really play a big part in the rest of your day! T said... Michelle, someone once told me that when you wake up in the morning you have a choice, you can choose to have a good day or you can choose to have a bad day.....
hmmmm yes that is right and that is definitely how I try to start all my days.........but I sort of jokingly replied with "well that is all great.....but sometimes certain people end up in the middle of your great, happy, good mood day and just piss on it".......:)

A favorite saying of my Dad's is... after asking him how his day is going......he glances at his watch and says..."good, so far really good but there is still(as he points to his watch) lots of time for some trouble"....lol...now I don't want you to get the wrong idea........my Dad is about the most positive, calm caring person you will ever meet.......but he runs a big company, so there is always something brewing....you just never know when "the shit will hit the fan"another quote from my Dad!!!! lol

AHHHHH that is what has happened to me today..the fan the shit...yep it hit alright...seriously after T and I chatted my plan was, I was going to take on this day and have a great calm awesome day.....happy happy happy.....no stress, enjoy my clients...I had a much calmer schedule today than I have the past few days so I was really looking forward to not being CRAZY...like let me give you a picture here.....not being so crazy that you are constantly 5 mins behind...not eating all day...having to reapply your deodorant due to the fact that you are stressed out...ahhhhhh....lol and most of all today I was not going to let little staff issues get to me!!! Well.......wishful thinking....this has been the chain of events thus far and I am currently writing this at 10:00AM......that's right the day still has a ton of potential.....

-receptionist calls in sick.........oh boy now that would be enough to make a perfectly good day go south really fast....

-12 messages on the machine to return at 8:45, (and no receptionist to do it...okay I guess that means I'm doing double duty today).....what the heck how could that many people have already called today....don't get me wrong hopefully they are all calling wanting an appt.....

-next up 5 cancellations for the day....that means a few stylists sitting around with nothing to do.........never a good thing

- discover deposit from last night is short short short......ahhhh drive me crazy.........did anyone pass grade nine math here....like the class that they teach you how to count back change???

okay there is more but that is enough...I won't bore you with the little details, you get the picture............for some reason this week, there have been soooo many challenges for me at work. I'm not sure what is going on.......is it a full moon...am I expecting too much from the people that work for me.........I just don't know......
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It is now the end of the day...8:30pm......I am finally home from work.......what a day.....it continued to be crazy......I did have to reapply my deodorant and the final straw was when a police officer came into the shop about 5 mins before we were about to finally lock the door looking for my tenants entrance.........it was almost laughable.........like what now.....I have no idea what he wanted and I am pretty sure I don't want to know.........:)

So on my way home from work I started thinking about what T and I had been chatting about this morning..........does waking up and thinking positive thoughts make your day better....well I don't know......you can't really control all the stuff that is going on around you...people are going to be sick...coworkers are going to drive you crazy.....but in the end for me... I drove home with a smile on my face, just remembering our conversation this morning...
I am so lucky.....all my days are "good", I get to start and end them with my best friend, who always makes me laugh.....even at the crack of dawn......so for me it is an obvious choice....I am going to have a good day...no matter what....no matter how much stress happens in the middle!!!

I hope you all get to spend time with someone that makes you wake up and choose to have a good day!!!
m :)

puberty........WHEN will it end???

So I have just finished my nightly ritual....which includes the same drill every single night........this certain chain of events has been happening night after night, for probably 20 or so years now.........pull the hair away from the face...rinse all of the makeup off........cleanse...exfoliate...and then access the situation.....yes that's right, it is always a "situation"...........seriously could someone please let me know when the pimples...the adult acne...the zits are going to go away???
As I sit here with an interesting checkerboard pattern of white Aveda "spot treatment"(they try to make it sound so pretty don't they) on my face, I got to thinking.........

COME ON PUBERTY.... I can't believe you are still around!!! I am still having teenage breakouts and I am freakin 34 years of age.......it just drives me crazy...it actually stresses me out...........you might be laughing right now.... saying to yourself "oh come on whats a few pimples here and there" and yes you are correct this is not life threatening...but when you spend 24/7 in front of a full length mirror with yourself as the reflection your self esteem sometimes needs a bit of a boost. Especially when the image that you see staring back at you, is a big red welt on the side of your left cheek..........you would come home with a few issues too....lol

Yes I know I am going to get some comments telling me to try this and that, a cream that worked wonders for you cousins aunts brother or this miracle product or of course the ever popular "don't get stressed it will just make them worse"...well you don't say..........yep I think I figured that one out a LONG time ago....

Believe me..........I am 34 and in the business of beauty........I have tried them all....every miracle product...every drug....every potion....toothpaste...the zeno zapper....everything..........nope I still pretty much have a blemish on my face every single day of the week.....

Now I know the people reading this that know me in "real life" (you lucky ducks) are thinking right now, well I don't remember her skin being that bad....well listen, it is..but really it is not going to make me feel any better about myself if the next time we run into each other you are dissecting my face....really just take my word for it and move on.... concentrate on my hair or my outfit...don't spend our next visit connecting the red dots.......remember I am a make up artist........I am trained to make yucky things on peoples faces disappear.....and I am not afraid to use these techniques on myself....but I would really like to not have too.....

So come on Puberty... GO AWAY...we have had a good run........I think it is time you started to pick on someone your own size and age....go make some well deserving 13 year old miserable...that is what you do best!!!
It is time to leave this old lady alone!!!!

the mOoRe mULL.....

So there is this "thing" in my family that we like to refer to as the "Moore Mull"........yep we all do it...any of us that have the same Moore/Calder blood running through our veins, now I throw in the last name Calder because I am really not certain where this family characteristic comes from...I know my Grandmother is pretty much the master of the mull, so it would suggest that it has stemmed from her ancestry...whoever it is from it is a commonly used term in my household...."THE MOORE MULL"....now we all have a different capacity for the mull....some of us mull for a very long time..some mulls are faster than others......some mull over everything and others just the most private of their thoughts......I personally would like to think of myself as a part-time "muller"....I do it occasionally but not all the time....:)

When I spend time with my Grandmother I see the "mull" at its full force...........as I watch her contemplate her next question, how she gathers her thoughts, pierces her lips in a thin tight line and forms a sentence in her head before she dares to say it out loud...I find it so amazing because as I watch her it is like I am staring at my own father.......in a female body of course........eeekkkk it is so weird........and then she turns her lip or eyes a certain way and there is my Uncle..........wow.....strange shit here.....

It really is like you are talking to all three of them at the same time...........so it would seem to reason that you would be able to get somewhere within these conversations..........hmmm nope...sometimes it is like you are just skirting around the main topic, talking about everything else but the thing you came to talk about...what can I say...not enough mulling...I guess........lol

So T and I went to see my Grandmother yesterday....we had a good nice visit with her..it always makes me a bit sad to see how much she has aged, how tired she gets so easily..man this getting old stuff just sucks!
We of course chatted about how she was very excited but surprised to hear that I would be interested in buying the cottage......I of course admitted to her that yes 15 years ago...this would not have been the place that I would have invested my time or my money...isn't it funny how things change.....so we chatted...remembering things about the cottage and what we could do with it....all the great family dinners we had there...etc...

All and all it was a great time spent with my Grandmother...........although we still have not got a clear answer on the cottage.....from what I can gather from yesterdays visit, although it is a bit sketchy.... my Grandma is pretty much over dealing with the cottage........she is thrilled that we would like to purchase it but she really doesn't want to have much to do with the sale, the price or the cleaning out things....even the redecorating...which by the way she knew if I was involved it would be looking very different from how she has had it for years....I was nervous about that..but she was cool...all she said was Michelle you have good taste and that is all I would want for the cottage...........

So where does this leave us you ask.............ahhh well we are now in the hands of the, dare I say professional "Moore Mullers"...........my Dad and my Uncle..........hehe......love you both.........but seriously......let the Mull begin........this is gonna be funny and hard on my nerves, although as my Dad always says...."Chelle it will all work out".........but in the words of my Grandmother as she so eloquently stated yesterday "Michelle your strong suit has never been patience now has it"....hmmpph no it has not.........even she can see that I am ready to get my hands dirty, ready to dig and clean and paint....the sooner the jobs are done the sooner T and I will be relaxing on our Muskoka chairs with the "sea" breeze flowing through our hair......hahahaha...........

So let the Mull begin.....maybe they can set a record for the shortest Mull in history....hmm not very likely!!!!...........oh well all good things come to those who wait..........good lord have I not heard that cliche about five thousands times this year........:)

m:)

lesson learned.....

So I promised that I would give everyone a rundown of the detox that T and I just finished...which I will, but I must start this off by telling you how awful and disgusting I am feeling right... at this very moment..........ughhhhh


Yesterday I awoke with a lighter than air feeling....healthy glowing....** please get a visual here people, me floating around from room to room getting ready for a busy fun day at my photograph course**.....so you can see I was feeling good........I even started out my day with the wheat-free 8 grain hot cereal that we have been eating for the last 12 days...funny how last week I thought it was the most disgusting concoction in the world and now I am actually enjoying it....
interesting....


So I go to my photography course....had a great day, so much fun...I was really wondering what I was going to do about lunch, I had brought some veggies and almonds with me just in case there wasn't anything that I could eat.....but they served a great lentil soup and sandwich.....so I had the soup and some of the meat that was in the sandwich.....ahh safe....I just wasn't ready to dive into "forbidden food" yet......yet.....


Fast forward to my drive home from the course......... I started thinking about getting my hands on some licorice 2 seconds after I left the parking lot of my course....ahh I couldn't wait to stop at my friendly variety store and grab my weekend stash....I am sure my friends at the store have missed me.....so I did. the first thing I did when I arrived in the city, I went in and grabbed a handful of licorice...I had one down before I even put my car in drive....hmmm good but not stellar....not the fantastic reunion I was hoping for to tell you the truth.....


So I got home and it was dinner time....we had decided to do a nice leisurely dinner of cheese roasted garlic...some cured meat...veggies...some crackers etc....all things that were not allowed for the last 12 days and of course some red wine...........ahhh I was so excited...I love this type of meal where we can just chat and slowly have some dinner...they usually end up lasting a few hours.............well the company was still as good as always....but something just wasn't the same....our taste buds had changed....it just wasn't what I was hoping for.....wine didn't taste as good...we felt sluggish and full at the end of it!


But nothing that I felt last night is as bad or gross as I feel right now...........yuck....I just feel gross...I can certainly tell that I had one to many glasses of wine and didn't eat properly because my body is aching and blah I just don't feel right........I couldn't wait to get up and eat my hot cereal and start my day of healthy WHOLE eating again....now I am not saying that I won't have the occasional cheat day from time to time but I think this 12 day detox has put me back on track.....I want the good healthy feeling again not this sluggish heavy feeling....ahhh can't wait to wake up tomorrow......back to floating around the condo!!!! lol


So I would highly recommend this detox.....it is called the Wild Rose Detox....12 days, not as hard as you might think....there are tons of websites that will give you some ideas for eating and recipes...and anyone can email me for more information....we both LOVED it!! I think this is the start of new healthy whole lifestyle for us!!

have a great day........we are off to discuss cottage living with my Grandma...........so EXCITED!!!
m :)

done.....

12 day Detox is done...thank goodness.....

I am heading to bed now so by the time I wake up tomorrow, we will be finished.......ahhh I'm afraid you might catch me with a bag of red licorice and a bottle of red wine in my lap on my way to work tomorrow morning.....haha

I will post a full description of the Detox later in the weekend.....

m