hold on to your horses folks, things are about to get exciting around here!!

m

jan update.....

Well it is January...almost the end of the month. There is just the tiniest bit of snow falling as I look out our back window...falling on the white landscape....funny how pretty it looks when you are all cozy inside!!

This has been a month of ups and downs for us.....ups when we are thinking about our winter vacation on the horizon...ups when we are together chatting about our plans for the summer...dreaming of deck plans...downs when we are in between different adoption opportunities...now to say opportunities is maybe too strong of a word to use for what has been happening lately but it does make one feel like they are on some sort of crazed roller coaster.....this being the upside and downside of internet adoption sites.....almost bi-weekly we have an inquiry from a woman that is expecting or her daughter might be expecting....they either contact us by email or call my cell....I can't count how many hours I have spent talking, sometimes counselling women, or writing back and forth.....only for things to just end with no explanation.....the odd time our social worker might find out the conclusion...which has so far always ended up with the woman deciding to parent their child....again we have no problem with that....it is just the up and down of it all........

I wish I could say that my stomach doesn't do a flip flop, everytime I see an email come through on our exclusive adoption email account....I try not to think about any of it....I try so hard but it is impossible.....after a few emails or conversation....you are sucked in....you know their story....you care about them.....I can honestly say that I still think about each and every one of them.....just every once in awhile they pop into my head and I wonder how they are doing.......I start to care about them...and hope that everything has worked out.......

Yes this is frustrating....I can't even think of a positive send off here...and I do always try to find an upside....but I'm tired, worn-out with this whole thing.....
m

made it!

.........ahhh I made it!!!

I have to say there were definitely times I thought that I would not survive 2010....I know that that sounds so dramatic but I honestly thought that........I know that my troubles compared to many other peoples are very minimal....I know that I have tons of things to be thankful for, but 2010 hopefully will go down as one of the most exhausting...emotionally for me......I realize that there will be years that things are very very rough....and I know that we will get through them...I guess that is what all these experiences in life teach you...that you will survive...with the people surrounding you that love you, supporting you....keeping you going!!! Thank goodness for them........

Tonight is the first night of the year 2011.....a new beginning, a new chapter....clean slate......a crisp white blank sheet of paper to start fresh on.....who knows what this book will read in one years time....I am hopeful still that things will be as we hope at this moment....one never knows....my biggest wish for this year is that we will find peace for whatever is to be...that we will have less anger........fewer tears........and by this night next year we will have found peace with what is to be...

"If things are not as you wish, wish them as they are." Yiddish Proverb

m
xo

4 days!

Only 4 days left....thank goodness....I can not wait to kiss 2010 goodbye, farewell....adios.....its been less than a blast, so see ya later........ughhhghhghghg I have NEVER EVER wanted something to be done as much as this year.........not sure what I think is going to happen when I wake up on Jan 1st, what I know for sure is that it will be brighter, fresh....a new beginning....and man we are ready....we are going to look 2011 straight in the eye and say....."this is our year dammit"....BRING IT ON!

"The darkest night is often the bridge to the brightest tomorrow."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

No Tears!

So here we are 10 to 10 on Boxing Day Eve....and I am proud to say that I have not had a cry.....now to be honest there where a few little tears last night but surprisingly they had nothing to do with adoption or babies or anything of the sort...surprise surprise........I feel good I feel really really proud that I made it through these few days without having a really bad moment.....

The best part of all of this is it wasn't a chore.....I feel like we have had a great Christmas...celebrating what is truly important.....not dwelling on the sad or the negative or what we wish we had, but being truly thankful and grateful for what we do have.....the amazing family and friends that support us through all of our trials and tribulations....all of our ups and downs.....they celebrate with us when something positive happens and console us when we have a down moment....this is what we celebrated this Christmas Season.....

For me this Christmas was a success....I made it through! I can't end this without saying that I hope and pray next Christmas will be different...I hope that we can feel the joy of having a baby join our family.....but one never knows....as long as we have each other I know we will be OK!

closure......its a good thing!

Last night I came across some information, information that I wasn't sure I would ever want but here it was for me to take...and I think in the end it was a good thing that I saw this, last night I realized more then ever before that things really do turn out just the way they are supposed to!!

What I found out yesterday was that "N" (if you are just tuning in to this blog "N" is the woman that we were matched with this summer....the woman that we came to trust and get to know...the woman that changed her mind....the woman that truly didn't know any other way of doing what she did)...we have always been OK with what happened this summer, truly believing that she knew no other way.....that things turn out as they should...even though our hearts where broken we really did see her side of things! In saying that though I always hoped and prayed for her, that things turned out as she hoped....that her partner would stick around...that her other children would love him and he them.....I hoped for her that all her dreams for the future for her family would come true.

Last night I found out that so far so good....it looks like things are going so well for her...it seems that that family unit she was so wanting more then anything else in the world has finally happened.....her sweet little baby is of course gorgeous...adorable....but from the minute I saw him, I knew that he was not to be our child....that child is absolutely where he should be......with both of his parents....with his brothers....the love that he has surrounding him right now is amazing.....it became very clear to me that what happened was what was supposed to happen in this situation.....

This whole experience made me feel a huge sense of closure......even though I held no anger towards "N", I always wondered...and now I know....she is happy and so is that sweet little boy!!! I now can truly close the book on that chapter in our lives....with a smile...I may never understand why we had to have this lesson in our lives, but we are stronger and richer in spirit because of it...for that I am grateful! I am also very grateful for the brief moment I had last night...that what was meant to be was exactly what happened!!!

here we are again....Christmas!

Well here we are again....another Christmas Season another year coming to an end. I wish that I could say that I was excited for this Christmas....I wish I had my old Christmas spirit, the girl that had her decorations up the day after Remembrance Day...the girl that planned and organized so many holiday functions it made T's head spin....the girl that jumped out of bed on Christmas morning anticipating the wonderful day filled with spirit ahead.......I'm afraid this past year has taken all the Christmas Spirit that I did have left right out of me!

I said to T last night that I feel like I am on my hands and knees slowly inching my way to the 2010 finish line...not quite sure if have the energy to get there....I know slowly but surely I will...with the token smile on my face.......but inside I am feeling very broken....very tired....and very very ready for this year to be over. All of you know about our failed match this summer...what you don't know is all the other small rough patches that have occurred this year...things that I won't discuss on this blog because they affect other people but non the less these things have all contributed to a very very hard past 6 months....and I am exhausted!

I have no idea what next year will bring.....I won't say "2011 is our year, I can feel it" and I truly hope no one says that to us, because quite honestly...you said that last year and the year before that.....yes this has been a rough patch as my Dad said to me a few short months ago....yes rough it has been....thankfully I can still see the positives...all the wonderful exciting things that have happened for us this year and for all of those things and people in my life I am truly truly thankful.....this is what will get me through this Season.....knowing that no matter what.....I have many things to smile about!
m