So Sat night we had Easter dinner at my in-laws! Now let me start this post by saying that I love my in-laws....great bunch of people....T comes from a much bigger family than I do, so it is tons of fun when we all gather....lots of people...kids...lots going on...dogs cats you name it, it's there...lots of loud voices too...which I find very amusing!!! lol
Early on in the weekend I was talking to my MIL on the phone and she asked me...."now would it be okay, if I mention the adoption...when everyone is here....I will try to bring it up casually and try to get these guys talking about it with you," I of course said that was a great idea...!
T's family is very curious or I find the way they handle things that way, not right or wrong just different from my family.....they talk and talk about tons of different things...they are all very intelligent people so the conversations can be very interesting.....but the heart wrenching personal stuff is never really talked about....sometimes it seems they think things are a secret and shouldn't be shared amongst each other...which for some I guess is accurate...... but NOT for me...my life is and has always been literally an open book! So by default, so is T's now!!! :)
So of course when my MIL asked me I was so glad because I really think the family needs to know the details.....they are not getting the whole story when they just hear bits and pieces from different people.....T needs their support....we need it......I don't think they get that.......I know they are not asking questions because they don't want to upset us. They don't want to always be bringing it up..and upsetting us...
I realize they are doing what they think is right.....unfortunately it comes across looking like they don't really give a shit.......now deep down we know that is not true....but that is how it feels sometimes....this is the way I see it......if we were expecting a baby, for instance if I walked into our family Easter gathering with a big fat belly on me what would everyone be talking about......... yep that's right we would all be chatting about the baby, and have we got the nursery painted etc etc.....everyone would be excited and asking tons of questions.
Now I know that this is not the same...believe me I get that loud and clear.....but this is it for us.....we want and need to talk about this. We need our families support. We need to know that you understand this process.....because the reality is.....someday soon without any notice we may need you more than we ever have before. We will need your help, your support because our lives will have changed over the course of a few days.
So back to the chat about adoption.... as my MIL said she found the perfect time to bring the subject up...love her...the lead in was awesome....unfortunately T's grandfather and I am giving him the benefit of the doubt here...didn't hear T's mom asking us if we had heard anything lately......so he rudely took over the conversation with a question about dogs.....yeah you read that right.....something about the killing of dogs I think...I really can't quote anything because I could not believe my ears......WHAT are you kidding me...you *** I can't even stand dogs and you are interrupting a conversation about our life like the most important thing happening in our lives with a damn question about DOGS....ughhhhh.....(this is how I was feeling at the time....after some reflecting I am going to assume he didn't hear the conversation that was going on)..........anyways it did seem like everyone that was at the table breathed a sigh of relief, because the dog conversation took over the sound waves rather abruptly.....hmmm "well that lasted long" my MIL said under her breath!!!!
Well like a trooper she brought the subject up again.........and this time it stuck, we did have a chance to talk a bit about adoption and the process that we are going through, which was great.........I do still think that some of the family would rather just push the subject under the "rug" and not talk about it...but they will come around I am sure.....:)
My hope and some of my concern is, I wonder if the kids our nieces and nephews know what is going on.........this is a big deal and there is a possibility that the next time they see us we may have a baby.....I really truly hope everyone is aware and ready for that......I am going to trust that it has been explained and everyone will be there to support us when this happens!!!
I get that people don't want to upset us and that is why they don't bring the subject up...but honestly we WANT to talk about it....this is a very real reality for us...we are living this everyday.....we appreciate every time someone supports us and asks for an update, especially the people that are the closest to us!
m :)
5 comments:
Keep pushing the issue. Someday you're going to be bringing baby WITH you to these family functions, and then what? Are they going to ignore the way he/she came to be?
We've had some very insensitive comments come from family members and I've made it a point to address my concerns and complaints now, so that when baby boy is in tow, the air is clear. I don't ever want him to grow up thinking his existence is an awkward taboo subject!
Keep sharing your story and enlightening the world. It's overdue and SO needed.
sometimes it could be more selfish than that - because they are uncomfortable with the topic, it makes talking about it more difficult.
hopefully now that they know you are open to conversation, they be more receptive
We were so fortunate, b/c all of our family and friends wanted to be involved in the process.
And it's a good thing they were...our daughter came to us by word of mouth through a family member's friend.
Keep trying to talk to them about it - heck talk to anyone who will listen - you just never know where your baby will come from!
I worry about this a lot. I think it is important to talk about everything with everyone in the family so the slip ups and non- PC comments surface and can be corrected!
I would definitely keep trying to bring it up every chance you get. Even if they aren't comfortable with it, they either need to get that way or it needs to be known that the aren't ahead of time so you can avoid any problems in the future. The last thing you want is for something insensitive or awkward to be said between the kids in years to come or something like that. We talked with all our immediate family very openly and actually addressed the fact that we wanted them to talk with the kids about it, and that we plan to talk with them about it (and have). Maybe buy them some books, too. Good luck! As if we don't have enough stress, right!? LOL
Erica
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