the next chapter......

I truly wish I had something to say....something to open up and start this blogging thing again...something exciting, inspiring, inspirational....but I don't.

It has been awhile....I believe it has been months since I last blogged....I guess I could tell you that I needed time to heal....time to reflect on what happened this summer and move on.......but the truth is, what happened this summer still confuses me......not the fact that "N" is the mother to her beautiful baby boy...not the fact that she "changed her mind"....no surprisingly that doesn't confuse me at all....what confuses me is all the other events that surrounded that one particular chapter in our life.....the missed opportunities, the other couples that had different outcomes, the sadness that is still running so deep in both of our hearts......the unknown, this is what confuses me.

There truthfully is not a day that goes by that I don't get a pit so big in the depths of my stomach. It happens at different times every day....and there is never just one thing that spurs it on..........I can be driving to work and see a lady skipping with her 5 year old to catch the bus....or a client that comes in and proudly shows me the pictures of her new grand baby.....or the worst when I look at "T" and he is quickly grabbing the remote so we don't have to endure the new sweet "we are expecting" commercial one more time....whatever it is, it always catches me, and I just have to take the time to try and process that I don't have any control of this situation....I can't make things happen just because I want to....I will probably never understand why things played out the way the did....I just hope that someday all of the heartbreak for both of us will be worth it.........

And so we begin another chapter, time to turn the page......what these next few pages will bring I guess one never knows......