Thanksgiving 2009.....
Well what can I say, right now I feel like I have a little red creature with a fork in hand on my right shoulder, and a beautiful white creature with a halo above it's head on my left......that little red creature is saying.....screw you thanksgiving and of course the more sane left shoulder is saying.....my gosh you have so much to be thankful for....
Yep that's exactly how I feel this year.....now please I don't want anyone sitting thinking my gosh what a selfish girl....we are all so lucky....yes yes I know that....believe me I know....my cousin right now is in Kenya and every blog I read of her's confirms the fact that all of us living in the Western part of the world are sooo lucky, we have NO idea what their life is like......I have clients that are living nightmares right now...they have either lost a loved one due to a tragic unexpected accident or they are dealing with a terminal illnesses within their families....so don't get me wrong, I know that my life's issues are very very trivial comparatively speaking......
But well this is my pity party and I am going to write about how I truly am feeling..........I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs....I feel like having a full out, stomping my feet, crying like a two year old temper tantrum!
I am not looking for anyone's sympathy right now....that is the last thing I want, but at this moment in time, I am having minutes in my day that I am just not very thankful.....I'm pissed......I'm annoyed and I am tired!
I don't feel like being nice 24-7...when every single day I reiterate our story...of waiting....and how "everything is just hunky dorey".....saying and trying to believe that everything is going to work out, using this chipper, trying to be positive high pitched voice that I don't even recognize....yes this Thanksgiving I am finding it tough......
And then after all these negative thoughts.....that little white figure on my left shoulder gives me a nudge and I remember.........I am so lucky.....I have things that lots of people will never have.......not monetary things...things like a wonderful husband.....not every gets to spend everyday with their best friend....an amazing family...immediate and extended....my parents, brother, in laws, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins....everyone is always there for us....loving and supporting us whenever, wherever.....friends and coworkers...clients....the support we receive on a daily bases is unreal......yes I have tons to be thankful for....
But most of all I have this thing called Faith and a trust in God....that just keeps pulling me back....bringing my up from the darkest spots, making me believe that all of this is going to work out.....all of these little moments of sadness, frustration, fear and anger are all going to be worth it...they will all be a distant memory someday!
One day I will actually think that it has all been worth it....that we made all the right decisions because it ended well.....yes the thing I am most thankful for this year is the fact that God has given me enough strength to still have faith that this is all going to work out!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
WTF!!!!
excuse my language....especially to my Mom and MIL....but seriously that is all I have right now....straight profanity....WTH, WTF....ahhhhghghggh, I could just scream at the top of my lungs...actually funny enough I am so passed crying this week...all I can do right now is sit and slam the keys on this desktop in furry.....
tonight when i finally finished my gruelling day....I got an email....that was entitled IMPORTANT!!! from this stylist that just started with us this Monday.........my immediate thought was UH-OH....but I said to myself man Michelle, what is with all this negative thinking this week...stop it........so I opened up the email and started to read the message.........it started out with I need to talk to you in private ASAP...I have some unfortunate news...........ummmhmmmm as I sat there trying to induce some positive zen like thoughts...I knew this was not going to be good!!!
so I picked us the phone and dialed her number.........ahhh you think I am going to let this go until tomorrow you are crazy...that is one thing about me I will not put off until tomorrow..I need to know and deal with things as soon as they happen!!
Well you got it.....turns out my new stylist was offered a position at a office store in town and has decided to accept this position.....so she is finished....ha like as of right now.......#$&%.........it is just so disappointing....I really thought she had so much talent and potential....and we really needed her....considering my most senior stylist is away due to some complications with her pregnancy....damn.....I know we all have to do what is right for us and for our lives...it just really really sucks.........
So I know....everything happens for a reason, everything will turn out.........yes yes yes you all have been telling me that all year..........but seriously those popular cliche's are not helping right now.........I want to have a temper tantrum, I don't want to be mature right now...........after all the shit that has gone on this week...I seriously want to crawl into a ball and hide for about 5 days..........oh but wait I can't do that because I have to work to cover all the new time slots we had opened up for this girl...yeah there will be no time for a pity party.....because I will be at work......so just as a little warning....if there is anything that I am committed to doing in the near future....well I may not be there...I apologize in advance........ughghg
tonight when i finally finished my gruelling day....I got an email....that was entitled IMPORTANT!!! from this stylist that just started with us this Monday.........my immediate thought was UH-OH....but I said to myself man Michelle, what is with all this negative thinking this week...stop it........so I opened up the email and started to read the message.........it started out with I need to talk to you in private ASAP...I have some unfortunate news...........ummmhmmmm as I sat there trying to induce some positive zen like thoughts...I knew this was not going to be good!!!
so I picked us the phone and dialed her number.........ahhh you think I am going to let this go until tomorrow you are crazy...that is one thing about me I will not put off until tomorrow..I need to know and deal with things as soon as they happen!!
Well you got it.....turns out my new stylist was offered a position at a office store in town and has decided to accept this position.....so she is finished....ha like as of right now.......#$&%.........it is just so disappointing....I really thought she had so much talent and potential....and we really needed her....considering my most senior stylist is away due to some complications with her pregnancy....damn.....I know we all have to do what is right for us and for our lives...it just really really sucks.........
So I know....everything happens for a reason, everything will turn out.........yes yes yes you all have been telling me that all year..........but seriously those popular cliche's are not helping right now.........I want to have a temper tantrum, I don't want to be mature right now...........after all the shit that has gone on this week...I seriously want to crawl into a ball and hide for about 5 days..........oh but wait I can't do that because I have to work to cover all the new time slots we had opened up for this girl...yeah there will be no time for a pity party.....because I will be at work......so just as a little warning....if there is anything that I am committed to doing in the near future....well I may not be there...I apologize in advance........ughghg
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
feeling much better.....
This is an email I received from the co founder of CanadaAdopts this morning....in regards to his Congratulatory email he sent Terry and myself on Monday night after the article in the Globe....of course my response to him was not as upbeat....this email has made me feel sooooo much better about everything.....I need to stop with the negative feelings...yes some of it was not written the way we see things...but it is getting the word out(is it ever)....and what more can we ask for.....our lawyer in Kitchener said network until you almost feel nauseous.....well we can take that off the to do list.....nauseousness------check!!!
Hi Michelle and Terry,
Thanks for getting back to me. And I know what you mean about having mixed feelings about the story. It never turns out the way you imagined it would. Little things get blown out of proportion and the stuff you want to emphasize takes a back seat. If only we could write the articles ourselves!
I wish they could have had a bit more information about our website, too! But I understand what the appeal of YouTube is. People know it, they don't know our website. And there's a perception that YouTube is a place to post silly videos and tv clips, so what are waiting couples doing on it?!
It was the same story back in 2001 when we launched our site: The internet is a great place to buy CDs and books, so what are waiting couples doing on it? But I think that by now the answer is self-explanatory.
So let's hope the added exposure does the trick. I know how hard it must be to give up your privacy and have everyone know about your adoption journey, but hopefully one day all of your networking efforts will pay off.
But I also think there's another more intangible benefit to it: it will help you to start thinking like an adoptive parent. There's a huge emotional and psychological learning curve involved in adoption, and this is one way to prepare you for some of the challenges that lie ahead. It's also a way to connect with larger community out there.
Sorry to hear the Tennessee lead didn't pan out, but it's good that you ran it by your social worker. Hopefully the next lead will be the one you're looking for!
Lawrence
Hi Michelle and Terry,
Thanks for getting back to me. And I know what you mean about having mixed feelings about the story. It never turns out the way you imagined it would. Little things get blown out of proportion and the stuff you want to emphasize takes a back seat. If only we could write the articles ourselves!
I wish they could have had a bit more information about our website, too! But I understand what the appeal of YouTube is. People know it, they don't know our website. And there's a perception that YouTube is a place to post silly videos and tv clips, so what are waiting couples doing on it?!
It was the same story back in 2001 when we launched our site: The internet is a great place to buy CDs and books, so what are waiting couples doing on it? But I think that by now the answer is self-explanatory.
So let's hope the added exposure does the trick. I know how hard it must be to give up your privacy and have everyone know about your adoption journey, but hopefully one day all of your networking efforts will pay off.
But I also think there's another more intangible benefit to it: it will help you to start thinking like an adoptive parent. There's a huge emotional and psychological learning curve involved in adoption, and this is one way to prepare you for some of the challenges that lie ahead. It's also a way to connect with larger community out there.
Sorry to hear the Tennessee lead didn't pan out, but it's good that you ran it by your social worker. Hopefully the next lead will be the one you're looking for!
Lawrence
Monday, October 5, 2009
ahhh.....finally we are alone!!!
Okay so it you are here reading these words on this screen, that means I invited you!!! Thanks for wanting to share this "adventure" with me.....and an adventure it has been!!
I really am not sure why all of a sudden I just felt that I couldn't write to just anyone anymore....but it was just getting to be TOO much....I was constantly worried about what people were saying and thinking about the choices I had made....and that is just crazy....so here we are....privatized...:)
I do have tons to write but not tons of time.......the first thing on the agenda is the fact that we were in a national newspaper today....and I feel actually sick, and nauseous about it!!!
When we were approached about doing the phone interview we thought it would be a great idea....maybe a bit of exposure and we would be able to explain our reason for doing a slideshow....well I am not sure if we were speaking a different language or what but I think something got lost in translation, with our new friend Wency...the author of this little piece.....no where does it say...this is not a "youtube" thing(my exact words I believe)....this is a profile/slideshow that is posted on a website called CanadaAdopts....where successful matches are done, where expectant mothers/fathers/grandmothers/friends go when they are thinking about adoption....this is where hopeful adoptive couples go to network with each other and give each other support!!!!
Aghhhh I am so frustrated....I know that I shouldn't be so concerned about what others think but this article makes it seem like we put a movie together with our best pics hoping someone would see it and like us, think we are pretty enough to parent their child.....like some sort of reality show or something....man it really pisses me off!!!
Some of the comments are not good that are following the article on-line.....people are just not understanding what adoption is about or what we were trying to achieve by doing this....I get that some people are going to disagree with us....they are not going to feel that it is appropriate to do a slideshow or anything on the Internet....I know that and that is okay....but some of these people are vicious.......
The absolute worst thing though is.....I went and picked up a hard copy.....like an actual paper this afternoon....yes the kind that you buy in every grocery store and corner variety store in the city....and you can imagine my gut wrenching sicking feeling I had in my stomach when I saw my face and the face or our good friends daughter on the cover........ugggggg honestly NEVER ever would we have "okay'd" putting a pic of anyone but ourselves in this paper.....man what were we thinking.....I just can't believe how naive we were.....
We have talked to our friends and they are super supportive and understanding but truly what else could they say the damage is done....if we had been asked that would never have happened...never.....I feel just awful about it! This should not have involved anyone else...now their are no names mentioned besides ours but still......
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and see a new paper at the newsstand and my mug shot not be on the cover......
ahhhh thanks for listening.........
I don't know what all of this is going to lead too....as I said to Terry this afternoon...this is either going to really really help us or its really going to be bad???????????????????????? who knows....I guess this is one of those times you made a choice and now you live with it!!!!
m
I really am not sure why all of a sudden I just felt that I couldn't write to just anyone anymore....but it was just getting to be TOO much....I was constantly worried about what people were saying and thinking about the choices I had made....and that is just crazy....so here we are....privatized...:)
I do have tons to write but not tons of time.......the first thing on the agenda is the fact that we were in a national newspaper today....and I feel actually sick, and nauseous about it!!!
When we were approached about doing the phone interview we thought it would be a great idea....maybe a bit of exposure and we would be able to explain our reason for doing a slideshow....well I am not sure if we were speaking a different language or what but I think something got lost in translation, with our new friend Wency...the author of this little piece.....no where does it say...this is not a "youtube" thing(my exact words I believe)....this is a profile/slideshow that is posted on a website called CanadaAdopts....where successful matches are done, where expectant mothers/fathers/grandmothers/friends go when they are thinking about adoption....this is where hopeful adoptive couples go to network with each other and give each other support!!!!
Aghhhh I am so frustrated....I know that I shouldn't be so concerned about what others think but this article makes it seem like we put a movie together with our best pics hoping someone would see it and like us, think we are pretty enough to parent their child.....like some sort of reality show or something....man it really pisses me off!!!
Some of the comments are not good that are following the article on-line.....people are just not understanding what adoption is about or what we were trying to achieve by doing this....I get that some people are going to disagree with us....they are not going to feel that it is appropriate to do a slideshow or anything on the Internet....I know that and that is okay....but some of these people are vicious.......
The absolute worst thing though is.....I went and picked up a hard copy.....like an actual paper this afternoon....yes the kind that you buy in every grocery store and corner variety store in the city....and you can imagine my gut wrenching sicking feeling I had in my stomach when I saw my face and the face or our good friends daughter on the cover........ugggggg honestly NEVER ever would we have "okay'd" putting a pic of anyone but ourselves in this paper.....man what were we thinking.....I just can't believe how naive we were.....
We have talked to our friends and they are super supportive and understanding but truly what else could they say the damage is done....if we had been asked that would never have happened...never.....I feel just awful about it! This should not have involved anyone else...now their are no names mentioned besides ours but still......
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and see a new paper at the newsstand and my mug shot not be on the cover......
ahhhh thanks for listening.........
I don't know what all of this is going to lead too....as I said to Terry this afternoon...this is either going to really really help us or its really going to be bad???????????????????????? who knows....I guess this is one of those times you made a choice and now you live with it!!!!
m
Saturday, October 3, 2009
it's time!
So this whole bloggy blog blog thing has been swell but.....it's time....I have been thinking about this for some time now, and finally have reached a point where I have been stumped as to what to write because of some privacy-comfort levels.....
Its funny really.....pictures, my name, my phone number is now plastered all over youtube due to our new CanadaAdopts slideshow and all of a sudden, I feel some great desire to make my blog private...go figure....a womens mind is a very very complex thing....lol
I am going to go private next week so if you are interested in following me leave your email in the comment section and I will pass on the password to you.....I love all the people that I have met through this blog and I so appreciate your support....it's amazing...all of the good stuff I want to continue, I am just finding it harder and harder to really be honest.
You never know I might "can" this idea in a few weeks.....haha the forever changing hormonal woman!!!
m
Its funny really.....pictures, my name, my phone number is now plastered all over youtube due to our new CanadaAdopts slideshow and all of a sudden, I feel some great desire to make my blog private...go figure....a womens mind is a very very complex thing....lol
I am going to go private next week so if you are interested in following me leave your email in the comment section and I will pass on the password to you.....I love all the people that I have met through this blog and I so appreciate your support....it's amazing...all of the good stuff I want to continue, I am just finding it harder and harder to really be honest.
You never know I might "can" this idea in a few weeks.....haha the forever changing hormonal woman!!!
m
Friday, October 2, 2009
crazy...crazy times!
ahhhhggghhhhhghghghg.....that's all I have for you right now......life is crazy.....I am up and down and very overwhelmed...so much has been happening, but not anything to write about........hopefully I will be in a better state of mind this weekend to give you all a full update...........for everyone that is supporting me through all of this sh** THANKS, I couldn't do it without you!!! :)
m
xoxo
m
xoxo
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