the eve of 35!

Okay so here we are the night before my Birthday.......hmmm I have to be truthful, I am just not sure how I am feeling about this one!!


Now don't get me wrong, I'm not one to get uptight about getting older or turning the next page to start the next chapter in the life of M....but holy moly this one is taking me on a bit of a mind twisting, crazy emotional ride.........so to most of you the number 35 probably doesn't mean much but to me it is huge!!!


35 to me, means so many things.......I can very vividly remember being maybe 16 or 17, sitting chatting with girlfriends and we were talking about the future....and we discussed the number 35...we daydreamed about how our lives would be, some of us where travelling the world, some of us would never ever live in this small town, some of us would have children some of us wouldn't........well for me I thought, I would be pretty much like my own mother, working, married and would have two children, balancing everything just beautifully...by the time I was 35 I was sure my kids would be about 10 and 7 so I would be very very busy but I just couldn't wait...well here we are and that is certainly not what has happened, most things have worked out much better than my daydream...most importantly I am not married to my highschool crush of that moment...whew now that is relief....yikes....and my career has progressed much farther than I would have dreamed at that point in my life...I have a wonderful husband and my family and friends are just the best....so yes SO SO much to be thankful for......

However tonight for some reason this number is stinging just a bit..........there is this part of me that is thinking....ughghg great....I am going to be that old mother that I didn't want to be....you know that one you can remember from your childhood that just looked WAY older than your MOM...for some reason she just was not cool.....however after a bit of reflection tonight I kind of think that lady just looked old because she hadn't heard of hair color or makeup and had a bit of a challenge with her wardrobe choices....


The other part of 35 that is really getting me down is the fact that the last time we met with our fertility specialist he looked at me as he was pointing to his graph and said if you want to try this get back here before you turn 35....see this line...right now you are way up here once you turn 35 you take a huge dip and you are headed south...not good.........well at that moment I was 33 almost 34 but I felt like okay, whatever I have tons of time, if we decide to take on that whopping 2% success rate you are predicting...

Well we decided after meeting with my other DR's that we would not chance this, it would cause way to much risk for my other health issues....so I put it too bed....until this week....with this number staring me in the face, and as I sit and ponder I can't help but wonder...should we have just tried??? I don't know, of course T says "absolutely NOT, you just don't risk something like that...you are more important to me than anything else".....and clearly when you have DR's saying NO you should really listen to them.....especially when they have been looking after you since you were 17 years old......so I know I just need to put this to bed and stop playing the "what if game"???

So tonight as I sit and reflect on the past 35 years.....I do wonder about some things....like everyone does at birthday times.....yes of course there are somethings that haven't worked out according to my teenage "plan", but there are some things that have worked out SO much better...so from that I will move into my next year with no regrets....be grateful for all that I have been given and keep moving ahead, excited to see what the next chapter brings!!!!

m :)

for a friend....

Last night I received a really nice, moving email message from an old friend. It honestly came at the exact moment that I needed it....I was having one of those nights....I wish I could say that most times I am up and positive and.... lalala, everything happens for a reason type of a mood...but I do seem to have these times....the culprit...the damn internet....ughghg I get on this stupid thing and I read and I search and google.....and most times it just brings me down....so last night was such a nice surprise to get an uplifting, really sincere note from an old friend!

This email did two things for me....(at first it made me cry harder)lol but after that it showed me that so many people are supporting us....this friend and I don't talk very often, I have no idea why, we have businesses right down the street from each other and have been friends for literally almost our entire lives...starting kindergarten together...but for some reason in the last 10 or so years we have drifted apart....but every once in awhile we are at the same function and we chat for hours....so to have her send this out of the blue just to tell me she cares...well it was so so nice....the other thing it did for me at that moment was instantly gave me peace and courage to keep going...and I needed it at that point in time!

Of course this message came with the intent that you would pass it on....now my friend said to me that she doesn't ever send these things around but really thought of me when she read it...so I started to think, and the first person that popped into my head was a friend of mine that is going through the same process as us.....the dreadful waiting for domestic adoption process....so I sent it on to her with a note saying I hoped that all our dreams came true within this next year...

It truly is funny how small the adoption world becomes when you are immersed in it. This particular friend is from home and we have known each other for years.....wow when we met some 10-12 years ago I can say for sure neither of us thought we would be going through this at the same time....
To be honest I can remember the instant that I became aware of her and her husbands adoption desires....in Canada when you want to adopt you are required to take a course called P.R.I.D.E....so last year Terry and I decided to get the weekend long seminar over with....as we drove into the parking lot, I can remember my stomach doing a flip flop wondering if I was going to know anyone in this class...ughhgg I thought please NO I just want to do this on our own...I don't want anyone to know(HAHAHA so funny that I didn't want anyone to know then...fast forward one year and we are on the cover of the Globe and Mail...go figure... who knew)lol...anyways we walked in and there she was....someone I knew and knew very well....great I thought....just great....I have no idea if she felt the same way.....but after the first day...I had calmed myself down and decided why wouldn't I embrace this and be grateful to have someone familiar to talk to and commiserate with about our situations.....so the rest of the weekend we sat together and chatted about everything!

We have emailed back and forth ever since then...updating each other.....T and I were just finishing our homestudy process as this couple was beginning so we told them what to expect etc ect...
So now here we are two couples waiting.....waiting for the same thing, in the same location.....I have to be honest...I sometimes am nervous to email her...I get nervous that she is going to tell me they are being presented and then I am going to go into a tail spin over that...or she is going to say "oh guess what we are matched"....blah yes I know this sounds horrible...but I am human and I being honest here...I sometimes feel this sense of envy, I start to compare..I know logically that we are both on separate journey's and when things are supposed to happen for either of us they will...there isn't really anything we can do to change that......sometimes though, I just can't even stand that we know each other so well and we are waiting, praying and dreaming for the exact same situation to come up....
Tonight I received a response from the email I sent to her last night...and I think it is safe to say she is feeling the exact same way....she too is a human being...wanting something to happen so badly, that she too has those feelings, I do......this process is so hard, it drains you...it takes your heart and rips it apart time and time again...you become a person that you never ever wanted to become....sometimes sad, sometimes angry, sometimes envious, and then the next minute you have hope....honestly you just never know what the day will bring......

So what I want to say to my friend is.....we have 2 choices here, we can stop talking and hope we never hear how the other is doing(likely not an option seeing we live in the gossip center of the universe) or we can support each other....it is highly probable that one of us is going to have a baby before the other....harsh but true....unless by some stoke of luck there is an onslaught of HC babies this is not going to happen.....so we need to be there for each other....we are the only two people that actually know how each other are feeling, we can actually relate to each other....we really do know...so many people try to feel it, but unless you have been here, in our shoes you definitely don't get it.....so we need to be each others support system....helping each other keep the faith!!!

Because as the message said.....this is going to be our year!!!
m

grateful....

Tonight T and I watched a movie and it got me to thinking!

I can't even believe the stuff that some children have to deal with....it is unbelievable....things that I as an adult can hardly imagine dealing with, these poor innocent children have to deal and live with everyday of their lives.
Not only do these children have to deal with the struggles families are facing due to our present economic situation but also they are dealing with parents who are sick with cancers or diseases...they are dealing with parents who are mentally unsound and unstable...substance abuse issues with drugs and alcohol, not to mention the abuse children suffer from, when these issues drive parents to do the unthinkable....
In this particular movie that we watched two adorable little girls walked in on their mother in the bathtub....she had just committed suicide....these two helpless little girls walked into their home, the haven where they felt safe and this is what greeted them.......how do you recover from this???

The movie went on to show these girls become women......and unfortunately life was not treating them that well...they had so many scars from that event that had happened so many years ago....they just couldn't get past it and it continued to affect them as years passed........

I just can't believe how lucky most of us are.....the things that I have had to deal with in my life are so so trivial in comparison to so many peoples lives....I can't even imagine complaining about anything right now......
It is funny, T and I have been chatting a bit about international adoption and an adoption with our local CAS.....we have decided that we will wait it out a bit longer for our dream, a dream of having a baby come into our home....and becoming a family.....if that is not what is intended for us...tonight has made me realize that their are so many children right here in my own country that need us....to be able to take a child out of a very bad situation would be an amazing gift to be given...

m

trumped!!!

So I have a funny funny story to share with everyone....it was something that happened at my husbands Thanksgiving Family dinner last weekend......hehe....I can already see my MIL gasping thinking "oh my" what is she going to say this time.......not to worry nothing tragic just funny very very funny!!!

So you have all heard my chat about my husbands Grandmother Kay...she is a hmmmm how do I put this... well she is a very lively 90 year old.....she has more spunk than I do...seriously I would have loved to see this women in action 40 years ago....WOW....

So to set the stage for you Terry, myself, Kay and Ron(Terry's grandparents) where all sitting in the living room.....golf was on, we all had a drink and really not much chatting was going on.....I was honestly totally thinking about the hellish week I had had and wasn't really focusing on much.....well I was in lala land...Terry later told me her overheard Ron say to Kay "so did you ask her"....."ask who what" Kay replied...."ask Michelle about the pants".....that is about when I must have heard my name and started paying attention.....I then heard Kay reply "NO Laura is going to try them".....this got my attention and at that very moment when Kay said my name I glanced at her perfectly manicured hand and saw the most HIDEOUS pants all folded up beside her...........OH NO I thought her we go......this isn't going to be good!!!

So Kay said "Michelle would you like to try this pants on to see if they fit you"........my stomach did a flip flop and I thought oh shit.......as she unfolded them with care....in all there patterned lime green, charcoal, animal print glory I cringed..........ughghgh what the heck....I am not EVER in my life going to wear those capri like pants.....yes Kay you would wear those they are totally your style.....loud, vibrant actually I'm sure many would like them, but not me....I really like to blend....so my mind started working overtime....okay Michelle you have 2 choices here....you can lie and say oh sure I will try them and then say they don't fit....(sidebar here....that is what my sister in-law said...who is tall, thin and beautiful and maybe a size 8 but she told Kay that they would be too tight WHATEVER....and I think my MIL even said they would be to tight....uhmmmmm my MIL looks amazing right now, lost a ton of weight so I think they would have fit her just fine) anyways I had to make a split decision which way I was going to go with this reply....and sadly I choose honesty is the best policy....ughghg why why would I have had to be an upstanding citizen at that moment.....maybe not the best choice!!!

So I took a deep breath and said Thanks Kay for the offer but honestly I just don't think I would wear them....they just really aren't me.....and she replied rather abruptly "WELL I LIKE THEM, they are a gorgeuos pair of pants, they still have the tags on them they would have cost a lot of money"....I sort of smiled and said well I know you like them, and that is great but I wouldn't want to take them and not wear them when someone else could be enjoying them.....ughhg I was sinking fast here....I could see Terry's grandfather looking at me with a not to impressed look over the top of his glasses...sheeessshhh I needed some help here I treading in very deep water and no one was helping me out.....there was a bit of silence and then she said it.....in Kay fashion....a very calculated remark....."well I guess I could always ask Kelly(Terry's sister, who was not there)....but I don't know how fat she is right now....I don't know if they would fit her....but I know for sure they would fit you" AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

Nice move Kay....I got the point that was to get back at me for being so rude about her pants........hmmm even at 90 years old she can trump me...... just so you all know the pants were a size 14 and I can honestly say they would have been too big....I am a perfect size 10 these days...... thankyou very much.....lol

So later on in the evening, I said to Terry well who knows where my point value was sitting with your Grandparents....I think it moves around a bit.....but at this moment I am guaranteeing it is sitting in the negative.....!!!

haha....Thanksgiving at the inlaws.....lol
m
xo

Oh the places you will go!!!!

This is my all time favorite book...no matter where you are in your life when you are feeling down this book will bring you back up!!! On Monday I was going through some of my books and found this book, my Mom gave it to me about 10 years ago after my very short first marriage ended....it was like I was meant to read this on Monday....it gave me that extra push I needed to move on, move up and get my head back in the game!!!
I have picked this book up so many times in the past 10 years and it always makes me feel better.....hopefully it will make you smile too!!

Thanks again MOM!!
xo

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And then things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on y our way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or the waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for the wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be as famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't
Because, sometimes they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul.
On you will go
though your enemies prowl.
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike,
And I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never foget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
You're off the Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

blogger love.......

Today I wanted to ask everyone that supports me to go on over and visit my cousin who is in Kenya right now!!!

She is amazing.....she is embarking on a life changing adventure....not only is she expierencing a culture that is nothing that she has ever seen before....she is helping at an orphange in Kenya...falling in love with all these precious little ones!
But as you can imagine it is quite a culture shock....we are so very lucky here, we have NO idea....just the fact that we can have a hot shower in the morning, is more than she can right now!!

JD is also overcoming a fear of being away from home and loved ones for a long period of time!!! I know how hard this is....I once spent 3 months of my life living in a different country and unfortunatly I didn't make the best of it....I was homesick and afraid....so I walked around dazed and confused for 3 months instead of embracing my time away and making the best of it, my biggest regret thus far in my life is that 3 month expierence.....JD is so much stronger than I....I know she is going to face this with all she has and get through it!!

We are all so so proud of her and can't wait for her return to enrich all of our lives with her tales...that will make all of us more aware of the world around us....make us see first hand how lucky we truly are...how thankful we should all be everyday of our lives.

love ya jamie....<3<3<3>3>3>3....lol
m :)

Movin.....ON!!!

Alright that's it.....I am done....I am so done being sad and upset.....it is sooooo exhausting....this is crazy I am so over it!!

I don't know what has hit me this morning but when I look over the last few blogs I am actually making myself sick reading them......my gosh WTH......

SO....I am no longer going to apologize or feel bad for the decisions I have made....so to all of the idiots that made negative comments towards our article in the Globe and Mail......screw you.....I am here to inform you that I am proud of it.....you know what, I can proudly say 10 years from now, no matter what happens in our life.... we did everything in our power to find our child(thankyou Mom, Dad, Aunt Carol, Lisa T and Robin for making me see this).....I will not have any regrets...of course there are always going to be people that don't agree with you, that is the great thing about us all being so different...how boring life would be if we all saw things through the same coloured glasses.......

This morning a thought struck me in the shower, like really how many people get to be on the cover of the Globe and Mail????....I'm pretty sure not many.....I should have been soooo excited all week about it, not sad and angry with myself for doing it.......so to all of you asses.....you may have got me for a week but you haven't got me anymore.....because I am back....and I am just going to assume that all of you are just always negative downers.....shit if your comments made me act and feel how I was feeling, for a whole 6 days.... let me tell you your life must just suck because it takes way more energy to be negative than it does to be positive.....because I am exhausted!!

This whole situation is not going to get me down for one more minute.....I am a strong positive person.....I am no longer going to worry about what people think....yes that's right this blog is going public once again....ssheeesh I can't believe that I let a few lame people's comments get me down....I have way too many people write me or chat with me about my blog, telling me how much I have helped them, that they can relate and love reading it.....so to the few people that sit around at their family Sunday night dinners, discussing my decisions and what I write about...get a life....you are not going to get me down for one more minute!!

AND.....This situation is not going to ruin my favorite time of year again ....NO WAY.....for 33 years my absolute favorite time of year has been from Thanksgiving until New Years Day....such a fun time we always so much going on...parties, birthday's......and I will not sit around and be sad like I was last year......so yeah did I think we would have a child to spend the Holidays with....well of course I did, but what the heck.....it hasn't happened yet, it doesn't mean it won't and it doesn't mean I should sit around and sulk about it......so no I won't be doing the Martha Stewart Kids Christmas crafts yet but I can have a fabulous Wine Tasting Adults only Christmas Party.....I can entertain to my hearts content.....my favorite thing to do!!

AND.....This stupid situation is not going to let me forget that I have a very successful business to run.....I love what I do...yes there are always bumps in the road....and I am in one right now....so what....deal with it.....work harder.....think outside the box....like I always do....don't sit around and mope about it because you have had a hard week.....fix it!!!

So NO, I don't know what is going to happen in our life.......no one does........yes I would love to know and be able to plan but that isn't the deal....no one gets to know......so I am going to enjoy this ride called life and move on taking it in stride.... having fun, working hard and enjoying every minute.....sorry for the lapse in my character, that depressing person that was around for a week......I guess I just let a few idiots get in my head space for a bit......well NO MORE.....I am back, back to myself.....and I bet all those people with the rude comments are still sitting around being negative....ruining someone else's week.....and I can almost guarantee that they all have really REALLY BAD HAIR!!!!! :)

MiCheLLe is MOVING ON!!!