the eve of 35!

Okay so here we are the night before my Birthday.......hmmm I have to be truthful, I am just not sure how I am feeling about this one!!


Now don't get me wrong, I'm not one to get uptight about getting older or turning the next page to start the next chapter in the life of M....but holy moly this one is taking me on a bit of a mind twisting, crazy emotional ride.........so to most of you the number 35 probably doesn't mean much but to me it is huge!!!


35 to me, means so many things.......I can very vividly remember being maybe 16 or 17, sitting chatting with girlfriends and we were talking about the future....and we discussed the number 35...we daydreamed about how our lives would be, some of us where travelling the world, some of us would never ever live in this small town, some of us would have children some of us wouldn't........well for me I thought, I would be pretty much like my own mother, working, married and would have two children, balancing everything just beautifully...by the time I was 35 I was sure my kids would be about 10 and 7 so I would be very very busy but I just couldn't wait...well here we are and that is certainly not what has happened, most things have worked out much better than my daydream...most importantly I am not married to my highschool crush of that moment...whew now that is relief....yikes....and my career has progressed much farther than I would have dreamed at that point in my life...I have a wonderful husband and my family and friends are just the best....so yes SO SO much to be thankful for......

However tonight for some reason this number is stinging just a bit..........there is this part of me that is thinking....ughghg great....I am going to be that old mother that I didn't want to be....you know that one you can remember from your childhood that just looked WAY older than your MOM...for some reason she just was not cool.....however after a bit of reflection tonight I kind of think that lady just looked old because she hadn't heard of hair color or makeup and had a bit of a challenge with her wardrobe choices....


The other part of 35 that is really getting me down is the fact that the last time we met with our fertility specialist he looked at me as he was pointing to his graph and said if you want to try this get back here before you turn 35....see this line...right now you are way up here once you turn 35 you take a huge dip and you are headed south...not good.........well at that moment I was 33 almost 34 but I felt like okay, whatever I have tons of time, if we decide to take on that whopping 2% success rate you are predicting...

Well we decided after meeting with my other DR's that we would not chance this, it would cause way to much risk for my other health issues....so I put it too bed....until this week....with this number staring me in the face, and as I sit and ponder I can't help but wonder...should we have just tried??? I don't know, of course T says "absolutely NOT, you just don't risk something like that...you are more important to me than anything else".....and clearly when you have DR's saying NO you should really listen to them.....especially when they have been looking after you since you were 17 years old......so I know I just need to put this to bed and stop playing the "what if game"???

So tonight as I sit and reflect on the past 35 years.....I do wonder about some things....like everyone does at birthday times.....yes of course there are somethings that haven't worked out according to my teenage "plan", but there are some things that have worked out SO much better...so from that I will move into my next year with no regrets....be grateful for all that I have been given and keep moving ahead, excited to see what the next chapter brings!!!!

m :)