black and white.....

So as we kind of expected we have not heard anything from the potential BM from the weekend.....

As more and more days pass, I just can't help thinking about this young women and the turmoil she is going through.....putting all my feelings aside, my heart is breaking for her. Seriously when I put myself in that situation and start really thinking about it......it boggles my mind.....I can NOT sit here and say to you that I would choose adoption, if I was in her shoes.....I know some of you reading this are going to disagree passionately with me......but if I think back to my 20's....I just can't say forsure that is what I would choose....I just don't know!

I have had a few conversations this week with various people in different stages of life and it really does amaze me how black and white some people are.......they find it so difficult to see many different angles to different situations.....especially unplanned pregnancies.....

I have seen anger from people that are in the same situation as T and I.....anger that young teens would choose to parent, I have seen disgust from women that have 2 to 3 children of their own, when discussing abortion...I have seen sadness when a client asks me if we have heard anything and as always I have the same reply..."nope nothing"..."why not they ask, whats going on" and I explain for what seems to be the hundredth time,.. well some of it is that teens are choosing to parent...etc etc.....this week I have seen and heard it all......the most bizarre comment this week was when a young girl said to me..."I can't believe that someone so old(meaning the 20yr old that contacted us) would even think about adoption".....translation everyone in my school is keeping their babies whey wouldn't she.....yep this is the world we are living in....that kind of stuff is just normal right now......my reply by the way was..."well let's see..for starters, she is in university, she is not married or even in a relationship, she doesn't have a job...do I need to keep going here...these are reasons why young women entertain adoption?????

Then there is me....always trying to see all sides.....trying to take every situation as it is......when I think about situations I try to imagine myself and what I and my family would have done or would do......and seriously most of the time I do not feel anger.....don't get me wrong there are many moments when I see a women stroll by my salon with a dirty stroller, 3 kids hanging off her hip and she is smoking a cigarette....now that gets me down.....why why why I think.....these poor kids......but when I see a situation like I did a few weeks ago in my DR office....an 18 year old girl, a gorgeous baby boy and the young girls mother....cuddling, talking and caring for this baby....I can honestly say that I am okay with that......
I do strongly feel that the birthfamily is the best place for a child, now matter how old the BM or BF is....IF they are getting an astounding amount of support from family and friends...and they want this and know the ramifications on the rest of their lives......their lives are going to be tough...it is not going to be easy, but if they have family support, love, and lots of help I do think it can work...and be the best for the child.

When I think of women who are facing an unplanned pregnancy, no matter what their circumstances.....I just can't even imagine what they go through, when they are trying to figure out the rest of their lives....that will now either have a child in it or not.......to choose adoption absolutely amazes me.....it is the biggest, most amazing gift that any women could give....I can see why only 4% choose this option...I really can....I can see that it would be so much easier to choose another option....so much easier......
I truly hope we are lucky enough to meet one of these amazing, selfless women someday and hopefully help her....make her feel good about the decision she is about to make....she of course would be making all of our dreams come true, but more importantly I hope we would be helping her do what's best for her and her child.......in my eyes any birthmother is a hero...is stronger than I will ever be...and they absolutely amaze me!!!!

the early bird gets the worm....

Very early Sunday morning, I woke up and as always had to use the bathroom.....as I made my way I noticed my blackberry sitting on the bench so I grabbed it as I shuffled past. As I tried to focus I saw that the little red star was flashing on the "tmadopts" account....(this is an email account that I had to set up for the CanadaAdopts site).....my first thought was oh here we go some more spam....

As I opened it up though, I have to be honest, just like every other time.... I had a glimmer of hope, that it just might be something....well this time it was.........

We had received an email from a young women from our province who had seen our profile on the CanadaAdopts site....she said she was considering adoption and that we looked like a very nice happy couple and if we would like to contact here that would be great....she hadn't at that point talked to any agency or SW....she is 4 months along....

I was so calm after reading it....I actually couldn't believe myself......I immediately went into survival mode.....did not get excited, I very calmly and rationally thought now this doesn't' mean anything....it is just great that after all the YouTube, CanadaAdopts, Globe and Mail drama, what I always thought had come true.....this could really work having our profile online!!!
So I gently, quietly woke up T....haha YAH RIGHT I shook him until he woke up and showed him that email.....we chatted about it and decided to forward it on to our SW to see if she could advise us as to what our next step should be....

So we replied to the email mid morning Sunday and no we haven't heard anything....I have to say I am not surprised, but really all that matters at this point is.... we feel good about the fact that young women will turn to the Internet when faced with these challenges in life.....it has made me feel so much better about our decisions.....clearly I would love to hear from this potential BM and get to know her better and her get to know us and see if adoption is really the right choice for her and her family.....and who knows.....maybe we will hear from her...I can't even imagine the turmoil she is experiencing right now.....my heart goes out to her....
May everything turn out as it should for this young women and her loved ones.....

For me though, I am already grateful to her... just for that one simple email!
m :)

the eve of 35!

Okay so here we are the night before my Birthday.......hmmm I have to be truthful, I am just not sure how I am feeling about this one!!


Now don't get me wrong, I'm not one to get uptight about getting older or turning the next page to start the next chapter in the life of M....but holy moly this one is taking me on a bit of a mind twisting, crazy emotional ride.........so to most of you the number 35 probably doesn't mean much but to me it is huge!!!


35 to me, means so many things.......I can very vividly remember being maybe 16 or 17, sitting chatting with girlfriends and we were talking about the future....and we discussed the number 35...we daydreamed about how our lives would be, some of us where travelling the world, some of us would never ever live in this small town, some of us would have children some of us wouldn't........well for me I thought, I would be pretty much like my own mother, working, married and would have two children, balancing everything just beautifully...by the time I was 35 I was sure my kids would be about 10 and 7 so I would be very very busy but I just couldn't wait...well here we are and that is certainly not what has happened, most things have worked out much better than my daydream...most importantly I am not married to my highschool crush of that moment...whew now that is relief....yikes....and my career has progressed much farther than I would have dreamed at that point in my life...I have a wonderful husband and my family and friends are just the best....so yes SO SO much to be thankful for......

However tonight for some reason this number is stinging just a bit..........there is this part of me that is thinking....ughghg great....I am going to be that old mother that I didn't want to be....you know that one you can remember from your childhood that just looked WAY older than your MOM...for some reason she just was not cool.....however after a bit of reflection tonight I kind of think that lady just looked old because she hadn't heard of hair color or makeup and had a bit of a challenge with her wardrobe choices....


The other part of 35 that is really getting me down is the fact that the last time we met with our fertility specialist he looked at me as he was pointing to his graph and said if you want to try this get back here before you turn 35....see this line...right now you are way up here once you turn 35 you take a huge dip and you are headed south...not good.........well at that moment I was 33 almost 34 but I felt like okay, whatever I have tons of time, if we decide to take on that whopping 2% success rate you are predicting...

Well we decided after meeting with my other DR's that we would not chance this, it would cause way to much risk for my other health issues....so I put it too bed....until this week....with this number staring me in the face, and as I sit and ponder I can't help but wonder...should we have just tried??? I don't know, of course T says "absolutely NOT, you just don't risk something like that...you are more important to me than anything else".....and clearly when you have DR's saying NO you should really listen to them.....especially when they have been looking after you since you were 17 years old......so I know I just need to put this to bed and stop playing the "what if game"???

So tonight as I sit and reflect on the past 35 years.....I do wonder about some things....like everyone does at birthday times.....yes of course there are somethings that haven't worked out according to my teenage "plan", but there are some things that have worked out SO much better...so from that I will move into my next year with no regrets....be grateful for all that I have been given and keep moving ahead, excited to see what the next chapter brings!!!!

m :)

for a friend....

Last night I received a really nice, moving email message from an old friend. It honestly came at the exact moment that I needed it....I was having one of those nights....I wish I could say that most times I am up and positive and.... lalala, everything happens for a reason type of a mood...but I do seem to have these times....the culprit...the damn internet....ughghg I get on this stupid thing and I read and I search and google.....and most times it just brings me down....so last night was such a nice surprise to get an uplifting, really sincere note from an old friend!

This email did two things for me....(at first it made me cry harder)lol but after that it showed me that so many people are supporting us....this friend and I don't talk very often, I have no idea why, we have businesses right down the street from each other and have been friends for literally almost our entire lives...starting kindergarten together...but for some reason in the last 10 or so years we have drifted apart....but every once in awhile we are at the same function and we chat for hours....so to have her send this out of the blue just to tell me she cares...well it was so so nice....the other thing it did for me at that moment was instantly gave me peace and courage to keep going...and I needed it at that point in time!

Of course this message came with the intent that you would pass it on....now my friend said to me that she doesn't ever send these things around but really thought of me when she read it...so I started to think, and the first person that popped into my head was a friend of mine that is going through the same process as us.....the dreadful waiting for domestic adoption process....so I sent it on to her with a note saying I hoped that all our dreams came true within this next year...

It truly is funny how small the adoption world becomes when you are immersed in it. This particular friend is from home and we have known each other for years.....wow when we met some 10-12 years ago I can say for sure neither of us thought we would be going through this at the same time....
To be honest I can remember the instant that I became aware of her and her husbands adoption desires....in Canada when you want to adopt you are required to take a course called P.R.I.D.E....so last year Terry and I decided to get the weekend long seminar over with....as we drove into the parking lot, I can remember my stomach doing a flip flop wondering if I was going to know anyone in this class...ughhgg I thought please NO I just want to do this on our own...I don't want anyone to know(HAHAHA so funny that I didn't want anyone to know then...fast forward one year and we are on the cover of the Globe and Mail...go figure... who knew)lol...anyways we walked in and there she was....someone I knew and knew very well....great I thought....just great....I have no idea if she felt the same way.....but after the first day...I had calmed myself down and decided why wouldn't I embrace this and be grateful to have someone familiar to talk to and commiserate with about our situations.....so the rest of the weekend we sat together and chatted about everything!

We have emailed back and forth ever since then...updating each other.....T and I were just finishing our homestudy process as this couple was beginning so we told them what to expect etc ect...
So now here we are two couples waiting.....waiting for the same thing, in the same location.....I have to be honest...I sometimes am nervous to email her...I get nervous that she is going to tell me they are being presented and then I am going to go into a tail spin over that...or she is going to say "oh guess what we are matched"....blah yes I know this sounds horrible...but I am human and I being honest here...I sometimes feel this sense of envy, I start to compare..I know logically that we are both on separate journey's and when things are supposed to happen for either of us they will...there isn't really anything we can do to change that......sometimes though, I just can't even stand that we know each other so well and we are waiting, praying and dreaming for the exact same situation to come up....
Tonight I received a response from the email I sent to her last night...and I think it is safe to say she is feeling the exact same way....she too is a human being...wanting something to happen so badly, that she too has those feelings, I do......this process is so hard, it drains you...it takes your heart and rips it apart time and time again...you become a person that you never ever wanted to become....sometimes sad, sometimes angry, sometimes envious, and then the next minute you have hope....honestly you just never know what the day will bring......

So what I want to say to my friend is.....we have 2 choices here, we can stop talking and hope we never hear how the other is doing(likely not an option seeing we live in the gossip center of the universe) or we can support each other....it is highly probable that one of us is going to have a baby before the other....harsh but true....unless by some stoke of luck there is an onslaught of HC babies this is not going to happen.....so we need to be there for each other....we are the only two people that actually know how each other are feeling, we can actually relate to each other....we really do know...so many people try to feel it, but unless you have been here, in our shoes you definitely don't get it.....so we need to be each others support system....helping each other keep the faith!!!

Because as the message said.....this is going to be our year!!!
m

grateful....

Tonight T and I watched a movie and it got me to thinking!

I can't even believe the stuff that some children have to deal with....it is unbelievable....things that I as an adult can hardly imagine dealing with, these poor innocent children have to deal and live with everyday of their lives.
Not only do these children have to deal with the struggles families are facing due to our present economic situation but also they are dealing with parents who are sick with cancers or diseases...they are dealing with parents who are mentally unsound and unstable...substance abuse issues with drugs and alcohol, not to mention the abuse children suffer from, when these issues drive parents to do the unthinkable....
In this particular movie that we watched two adorable little girls walked in on their mother in the bathtub....she had just committed suicide....these two helpless little girls walked into their home, the haven where they felt safe and this is what greeted them.......how do you recover from this???

The movie went on to show these girls become women......and unfortunately life was not treating them that well...they had so many scars from that event that had happened so many years ago....they just couldn't get past it and it continued to affect them as years passed........

I just can't believe how lucky most of us are.....the things that I have had to deal with in my life are so so trivial in comparison to so many peoples lives....I can't even imagine complaining about anything right now......
It is funny, T and I have been chatting a bit about international adoption and an adoption with our local CAS.....we have decided that we will wait it out a bit longer for our dream, a dream of having a baby come into our home....and becoming a family.....if that is not what is intended for us...tonight has made me realize that their are so many children right here in my own country that need us....to be able to take a child out of a very bad situation would be an amazing gift to be given...

m

trumped!!!

So I have a funny funny story to share with everyone....it was something that happened at my husbands Thanksgiving Family dinner last weekend......hehe....I can already see my MIL gasping thinking "oh my" what is she going to say this time.......not to worry nothing tragic just funny very very funny!!!

So you have all heard my chat about my husbands Grandmother Kay...she is a hmmmm how do I put this... well she is a very lively 90 year old.....she has more spunk than I do...seriously I would have loved to see this women in action 40 years ago....WOW....

So to set the stage for you Terry, myself, Kay and Ron(Terry's grandparents) where all sitting in the living room.....golf was on, we all had a drink and really not much chatting was going on.....I was honestly totally thinking about the hellish week I had had and wasn't really focusing on much.....well I was in lala land...Terry later told me her overheard Ron say to Kay "so did you ask her"....."ask who what" Kay replied...."ask Michelle about the pants".....that is about when I must have heard my name and started paying attention.....I then heard Kay reply "NO Laura is going to try them".....this got my attention and at that very moment when Kay said my name I glanced at her perfectly manicured hand and saw the most HIDEOUS pants all folded up beside her...........OH NO I thought her we go......this isn't going to be good!!!

So Kay said "Michelle would you like to try this pants on to see if they fit you"........my stomach did a flip flop and I thought oh shit.......as she unfolded them with care....in all there patterned lime green, charcoal, animal print glory I cringed..........ughghgh what the heck....I am not EVER in my life going to wear those capri like pants.....yes Kay you would wear those they are totally your style.....loud, vibrant actually I'm sure many would like them, but not me....I really like to blend....so my mind started working overtime....okay Michelle you have 2 choices here....you can lie and say oh sure I will try them and then say they don't fit....(sidebar here....that is what my sister in-law said...who is tall, thin and beautiful and maybe a size 8 but she told Kay that they would be too tight WHATEVER....and I think my MIL even said they would be to tight....uhmmmmm my MIL looks amazing right now, lost a ton of weight so I think they would have fit her just fine) anyways I had to make a split decision which way I was going to go with this reply....and sadly I choose honesty is the best policy....ughghg why why would I have had to be an upstanding citizen at that moment.....maybe not the best choice!!!

So I took a deep breath and said Thanks Kay for the offer but honestly I just don't think I would wear them....they just really aren't me.....and she replied rather abruptly "WELL I LIKE THEM, they are a gorgeuos pair of pants, they still have the tags on them they would have cost a lot of money"....I sort of smiled and said well I know you like them, and that is great but I wouldn't want to take them and not wear them when someone else could be enjoying them.....ughhg I was sinking fast here....I could see Terry's grandfather looking at me with a not to impressed look over the top of his glasses...sheeessshhh I needed some help here I treading in very deep water and no one was helping me out.....there was a bit of silence and then she said it.....in Kay fashion....a very calculated remark....."well I guess I could always ask Kelly(Terry's sister, who was not there)....but I don't know how fat she is right now....I don't know if they would fit her....but I know for sure they would fit you" AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

Nice move Kay....I got the point that was to get back at me for being so rude about her pants........hmmm even at 90 years old she can trump me...... just so you all know the pants were a size 14 and I can honestly say they would have been too big....I am a perfect size 10 these days...... thankyou very much.....lol

So later on in the evening, I said to Terry well who knows where my point value was sitting with your Grandparents....I think it moves around a bit.....but at this moment I am guaranteeing it is sitting in the negative.....!!!

haha....Thanksgiving at the inlaws.....lol
m
xo

Oh the places you will go!!!!

This is my all time favorite book...no matter where you are in your life when you are feeling down this book will bring you back up!!! On Monday I was going through some of my books and found this book, my Mom gave it to me about 10 years ago after my very short first marriage ended....it was like I was meant to read this on Monday....it gave me that extra push I needed to move on, move up and get my head back in the game!!!
I have picked this book up so many times in the past 10 years and it always makes me feel better.....hopefully it will make you smile too!!

Thanks again MOM!!
xo

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And then things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on y our way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or the waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for the wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be as famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't
Because, sometimes they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul.
On you will go
though your enemies prowl.
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike,
And I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never foget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
You're off the Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

blogger love.......

Today I wanted to ask everyone that supports me to go on over and visit my cousin who is in Kenya right now!!!

She is amazing.....she is embarking on a life changing adventure....not only is she expierencing a culture that is nothing that she has ever seen before....she is helping at an orphange in Kenya...falling in love with all these precious little ones!
But as you can imagine it is quite a culture shock....we are so very lucky here, we have NO idea....just the fact that we can have a hot shower in the morning, is more than she can right now!!

JD is also overcoming a fear of being away from home and loved ones for a long period of time!!! I know how hard this is....I once spent 3 months of my life living in a different country and unfortunatly I didn't make the best of it....I was homesick and afraid....so I walked around dazed and confused for 3 months instead of embracing my time away and making the best of it, my biggest regret thus far in my life is that 3 month expierence.....JD is so much stronger than I....I know she is going to face this with all she has and get through it!!

We are all so so proud of her and can't wait for her return to enrich all of our lives with her tales...that will make all of us more aware of the world around us....make us see first hand how lucky we truly are...how thankful we should all be everyday of our lives.

love ya jamie....<3<3<3>3>3>3....lol
m :)

Movin.....ON!!!

Alright that's it.....I am done....I am so done being sad and upset.....it is sooooo exhausting....this is crazy I am so over it!!

I don't know what has hit me this morning but when I look over the last few blogs I am actually making myself sick reading them......my gosh WTH......

SO....I am no longer going to apologize or feel bad for the decisions I have made....so to all of the idiots that made negative comments towards our article in the Globe and Mail......screw you.....I am here to inform you that I am proud of it.....you know what, I can proudly say 10 years from now, no matter what happens in our life.... we did everything in our power to find our child(thankyou Mom, Dad, Aunt Carol, Lisa T and Robin for making me see this).....I will not have any regrets...of course there are always going to be people that don't agree with you, that is the great thing about us all being so different...how boring life would be if we all saw things through the same coloured glasses.......

This morning a thought struck me in the shower, like really how many people get to be on the cover of the Globe and Mail????....I'm pretty sure not many.....I should have been soooo excited all week about it, not sad and angry with myself for doing it.......so to all of you asses.....you may have got me for a week but you haven't got me anymore.....because I am back....and I am just going to assume that all of you are just always negative downers.....shit if your comments made me act and feel how I was feeling, for a whole 6 days.... let me tell you your life must just suck because it takes way more energy to be negative than it does to be positive.....because I am exhausted!!

This whole situation is not going to get me down for one more minute.....I am a strong positive person.....I am no longer going to worry about what people think....yes that's right this blog is going public once again....ssheeesh I can't believe that I let a few lame people's comments get me down....I have way too many people write me or chat with me about my blog, telling me how much I have helped them, that they can relate and love reading it.....so to the few people that sit around at their family Sunday night dinners, discussing my decisions and what I write about...get a life....you are not going to get me down for one more minute!!

AND.....This situation is not going to ruin my favorite time of year again ....NO WAY.....for 33 years my absolute favorite time of year has been from Thanksgiving until New Years Day....such a fun time we always so much going on...parties, birthday's......and I will not sit around and be sad like I was last year......so yeah did I think we would have a child to spend the Holidays with....well of course I did, but what the heck.....it hasn't happened yet, it doesn't mean it won't and it doesn't mean I should sit around and sulk about it......so no I won't be doing the Martha Stewart Kids Christmas crafts yet but I can have a fabulous Wine Tasting Adults only Christmas Party.....I can entertain to my hearts content.....my favorite thing to do!!

AND.....This stupid situation is not going to let me forget that I have a very successful business to run.....I love what I do...yes there are always bumps in the road....and I am in one right now....so what....deal with it.....work harder.....think outside the box....like I always do....don't sit around and mope about it because you have had a hard week.....fix it!!!

So NO, I don't know what is going to happen in our life.......no one does........yes I would love to know and be able to plan but that isn't the deal....no one gets to know......so I am going to enjoy this ride called life and move on taking it in stride.... having fun, working hard and enjoying every minute.....sorry for the lapse in my character, that depressing person that was around for a week......I guess I just let a few idiots get in my head space for a bit......well NO MORE.....I am back, back to myself.....and I bet all those people with the rude comments are still sitting around being negative....ruining someone else's week.....and I can almost guarantee that they all have really REALLY BAD HAIR!!!!! :)

MiCheLLe is MOVING ON!!!

Thanksgiving.....

Thanksgiving 2009.....

Well what can I say, right now I feel like I have a little red creature with a fork in hand on my right shoulder, and a beautiful white creature with a halo above it's head on my left......that little red creature is saying.....screw you thanksgiving and of course the more sane left shoulder is saying.....my gosh you have so much to be thankful for....

Yep that's exactly how I feel this year.....now please I don't want anyone sitting thinking my gosh what a selfish girl....we are all so lucky....yes yes I know that....believe me I know....my cousin right now is in Kenya and every blog I read of her's confirms the fact that all of us living in the Western part of the world are sooo lucky, we have NO idea what their life is like......I have clients that are living nightmares right now...they have either lost a loved one due to a tragic unexpected accident or they are dealing with a terminal illnesses within their families....so don't get me wrong, I know that my life's issues are very very trivial comparatively speaking......

But well this is my pity party and I am going to write about how I truly am feeling..........I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs....I feel like having a full out, stomping my feet, crying like a two year old temper tantrum!

I am not looking for anyone's sympathy right now....that is the last thing I want, but at this moment in time, I am having minutes in my day that I am just not very thankful.....I'm pissed......I'm annoyed and I am tired!

I don't feel like being nice 24-7...when every single day I reiterate our story...of waiting....and how "everything is just hunky dorey".....saying and trying to believe that everything is going to work out, using this chipper, trying to be positive high pitched voice that I don't even recognize....yes this Thanksgiving I am finding it tough......

And then after all these negative thoughts.....that little white figure on my left shoulder gives me a nudge and I remember.........I am so lucky.....I have things that lots of people will never have.......not monetary things...things like a wonderful husband.....not every gets to spend everyday with their best friend....an amazing family...immediate and extended....my parents, brother, in laws, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins....everyone is always there for us....loving and supporting us whenever, wherever.....friends and coworkers...clients....the support we receive on a daily bases is unreal......yes I have tons to be thankful for....

But most of all I have this thing called Faith and a trust in God....that just keeps pulling me back....bringing my up from the darkest spots, making me believe that all of this is going to work out.....all of these little moments of sadness, frustration, fear and anger are all going to be worth it...they will all be a distant memory someday!
One day I will actually think that it has all been worth it....that we made all the right decisions because it ended well.....yes the thing I am most thankful for this year is the fact that God has given me enough strength to still have faith that this is all going to work out!

WTF!!!!

excuse my language....especially to my Mom and MIL....but seriously that is all I have right now....straight profanity....WTH, WTF....ahhhhghghggh, I could just scream at the top of my lungs...actually funny enough I am so passed crying this week...all I can do right now is sit and slam the keys on this desktop in furry.....



tonight when i finally finished my gruelling day....I got an email....that was entitled IMPORTANT!!! from this stylist that just started with us this Monday.........my immediate thought was UH-OH....but I said to myself man Michelle, what is with all this negative thinking this week...stop it........so I opened up the email and started to read the message.........it started out with I need to talk to you in private ASAP...I have some unfortunate news...........ummmhmmmm as I sat there trying to induce some positive zen like thoughts...I knew this was not going to be good!!!

so I picked us the phone and dialed her number.........ahhh you think I am going to let this go until tomorrow you are crazy...that is one thing about me I will not put off until tomorrow..I need to know and deal with things as soon as they happen!!



Well you got it.....turns out my new stylist was offered a position at a office store in town and has decided to accept this position.....so she is finished....ha like as of right now.......#$&%.........it is just so disappointing....I really thought she had so much talent and potential....and we really needed her....considering my most senior stylist is away due to some complications with her pregnancy....damn.....I know we all have to do what is right for us and for our lives...it just really really sucks.........



So I know....everything happens for a reason, everything will turn out.........yes yes yes you all have been telling me that all year..........but seriously those popular cliche's are not helping right now.........I want to have a temper tantrum, I don't want to be mature right now...........after all the shit that has gone on this week...I seriously want to crawl into a ball and hide for about 5 days..........oh but wait I can't do that because I have to work to cover all the new time slots we had opened up for this girl...yeah there will be no time for a pity party.....because I will be at work......so just as a little warning....if there is anything that I am committed to doing in the near future....well I may not be there...I apologize in advance........ughghg

"Be who you are and say what you feel,

because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

-Dr. Seuss

feeling much better.....

This is an email I received from the co founder of CanadaAdopts this morning....in regards to his Congratulatory email he sent Terry and myself on Monday night after the article in the Globe....of course my response to him was not as upbeat....this email has made me feel sooooo much better about everything.....I need to stop with the negative feelings...yes some of it was not written the way we see things...but it is getting the word out(is it ever)....and what more can we ask for.....our lawyer in Kitchener said network until you almost feel nauseous.....well we can take that off the to do list.....nauseousness------check!!!

Hi Michelle and Terry,

Thanks for getting back to me. And I know what you mean about having mixed feelings about the story. It never turns out the way you imagined it would. Little things get blown out of proportion and the stuff you want to emphasize takes a back seat. If only we could write the articles ourselves!
I wish they could have had a bit more information about our website, too! But I understand what the appeal of YouTube is. People know it, they don't know our website. And there's a perception that YouTube is a place to post silly videos and tv clips, so what are waiting couples doing on it?!
It was the same story back in 2001 when we launched our site: The internet is a great place to buy CDs and books, so what are waiting couples doing on it? But I think that by now the answer is self-explanatory.
So let's hope the added exposure does the trick. I know how hard it must be to give up your privacy and have everyone know about your adoption journey, but hopefully one day all of your networking efforts will pay off.

But I also think there's another more intangible benefit to it: it will help you to start thinking like an adoptive parent. There's a huge emotional and psychological learning curve involved in adoption, and this is one way to prepare you for some of the challenges that lie ahead. It's also a way to connect with larger community out there.

Sorry to hear the Tennessee lead didn't pan out, but it's good that you ran it by your social worker. Hopefully the next lead will be the one you're looking for!

Lawrence

ahhh.....finally we are alone!!!

Okay so it you are here reading these words on this screen, that means I invited you!!! Thanks for wanting to share this "adventure" with me.....and an adventure it has been!!

I really am not sure why all of a sudden I just felt that I couldn't write to just anyone anymore....but it was just getting to be TOO much....I was constantly worried about what people were saying and thinking about the choices I had made....and that is just crazy....so here we are....privatized...:)

I do have tons to write but not tons of time.......the first thing on the agenda is the fact that we were in a national newspaper today....and I feel actually sick, and nauseous about it!!!

When we were approached about doing the phone interview we thought it would be a great idea....maybe a bit of exposure and we would be able to explain our reason for doing a slideshow....well I am not sure if we were speaking a different language or what but I think something got lost in translation, with our new friend Wency...the author of this little piece.....no where does it say...this is not a "youtube" thing(my exact words I believe)....this is a profile/slideshow that is posted on a website called CanadaAdopts....where successful matches are done, where expectant mothers/fathers/grandmothers/friends go when they are thinking about adoption....this is where hopeful adoptive couples go to network with each other and give each other support!!!!

Aghhhh I am so frustrated....I know that I shouldn't be so concerned about what others think but this article makes it seem like we put a movie together with our best pics hoping someone would see it and like us, think we are pretty enough to parent their child.....like some sort of reality show or something....man it really pisses me off!!!

Some of the comments are not good that are following the article on-line.....people are just not understanding what adoption is about or what we were trying to achieve by doing this....I get that some people are going to disagree with us....they are not going to feel that it is appropriate to do a slideshow or anything on the Internet....I know that and that is okay....but some of these people are vicious.......

The absolute worst thing though is.....I went and picked up a hard copy.....like an actual paper this afternoon....yes the kind that you buy in every grocery store and corner variety store in the city....and you can imagine my gut wrenching sicking feeling I had in my stomach when I saw my face and the face or our good friends daughter on the cover........ugggggg honestly NEVER ever would we have "okay'd" putting a pic of anyone but ourselves in this paper.....man what were we thinking.....I just can't believe how naive we were.....
We have talked to our friends and they are super supportive and understanding but truly what else could they say the damage is done....if we had been asked that would never have happened...never.....I feel just awful about it! This should not have involved anyone else...now their are no names mentioned besides ours but still......

I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and see a new paper at the newsstand and my mug shot not be on the cover......
ahhhh thanks for listening.........
I don't know what all of this is going to lead too....as I said to Terry this afternoon...this is either going to really really help us or its really going to be bad???????????????????????? who knows....I guess this is one of those times you made a choice and now you live with it!!!!

m

it's time!

So this whole bloggy blog blog thing has been swell but.....it's time....I have been thinking about this for some time now, and finally have reached a point where I have been stumped as to what to write because of some privacy-comfort levels.....

Its funny really.....pictures, my name, my phone number is now plastered all over youtube due to our new CanadaAdopts slideshow and all of a sudden, I feel some great desire to make my blog private...go figure....a womens mind is a very very complex thing....lol

I am going to go private next week so if you are interested in following me leave your email in the comment section and I will pass on the password to you.....I love all the people that I have met through this blog and I so appreciate your support....it's amazing...all of the good stuff I want to continue, I am just finding it harder and harder to really be honest.

You never know I might "can" this idea in a few weeks.....haha the forever changing hormonal woman!!!

m

crazy...crazy times!

ahhhhggghhhhhghghghg.....that's all I have for you right now......life is crazy.....I am up and down and very overwhelmed...so much has been happening, but not anything to write about........hopefully I will be in a better state of mind this weekend to give you all a full update...........for everyone that is supporting me through all of this sh** THANKS, I couldn't do it without you!!! :)

m
xoxo