Friday, August 6, 2010

Well I thought for sure by this time I would be fine..."over it", moved on......bigger and better things right?......Wrong......I hate to admit this but I think in some ways I feel worse than I did 3 weeks ago.....as I have said before my job just doesn't allow things to "go away"...you know most people can have something happen...good or bad....let everyone close to them know..chat about it at work for a couple days and then everyone moves on............nope not me.....I am still only in the 4th week of this rotation.....so still everyday almost everyone brings up the sad tale....now most people are being kind and asking because they truly care....but honestly this is just getting too hard....too many people say insensitive things and I am losing it! I know they are not doing this on purpose but ughghhgh I am really really tired.........and I don't have many more fake smiles left in me......

From having to hear about how easy it was for their friends daughter to adopt children, oh and we can't forget how they know someone that waited a year and now has a beautiful baby boy.... to how they know someone that lives in a neighbouring town that just adopted last month.....HELLO people I know these people....and I know it was not easy for them not at all,... but how is telling me that they are at home happy with their children making me feel any better right now...........I'm really sorry but its not, not one bit!

I feel sick to my stomach that I feel like this still......I want to be excited about our house that we are building, I want to be passionate about my work again.....I want to jump out of bed at 6am and tumble down the stairs for my early morning workout like I have for the past 12 years of my life........but I just don't have it right now........something is missing.........is this normal.... I don't know?.......I don't know anyone that has had this happen..........I feel confused I am not sure what I am supposed to feel...sometimes I feel like I should "get over it"...this was never "ours" to miss...and then the next minute I think NO, you had someone let you believe for almost 3 months that your life was going to change, that all your dreams were going to come true..and that was swiftly taken from you in one minute........you have every right to be sad or mad or whatever...........I don't know...I just don't know.........

Hopefully things will start looking a bit brighter soon...

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