Wednesday, December 30, 2009

ringing in 2010...

For the first time since I have known my husband we will be actually stepping out into the land of the living on New Years Eve..........yes I know this is totally unheard of, we have been the king and queen of the quiet.... once quaint New Years Eve's.........

It all started about 6 years ago, the first time we rang in the new year together, when we did a big fancy dinner....surf and turf....and a romantic movie......I will admit, it has sort of gone down hill from there...not the company, just how grand the event has been.......one reason is because of my own little tradition consisting of, me... a bottle of red wine... and a big huge bag of plain Lay's potato chips, something that I don't let myself have any other time of the year...that's right a lays potato chip doesn't enter this body other than on New Years Eve...why you ask......well because I would weigh 500 pounds if I kept those lying around......yes just to give you a visual....... there have been occasions that "T" has sat down to a big gourmet swanky steak dinner and I have had a basket of Lays, some chip dip and a glass of wine in front of me..........and never been happier!!!! lol

So last week a friend and I were emailing back and forth and of course New Years Eve came up....you know the conversation........"what are you guy's doing"... "nothing what are you guy's doing".......so after a few emails back and forth we had decided that a group of us would go to Fellini's a great restaurant downtown........so fun.......about 5 couples.....lots of wine, some great Italian fair and some good laughs........now I must admit that before I checked the yes box...I did have a fleeting thought about Mr Lay....Frito Lay that is.....and the fact that we will not be having our usual rendezvous.......oh well better for my thighs I suppose....however sad all the same.......breaking tradition......I guess change is always good....right?????

I wish all my blogging friends the most wonderful New Year.......may all our hopes and dreams come true in 2010!!
m :)

Sunday, December 27, 2009

unscathed........I'd be lying!

I would like to tell you that I managed to get through the holidays.....unscathed, happy...not sad.......and I could tell you that, let you all believe that I truly lived my last post and continuously reminded myself of all the things that I am grateful for! I would be lying though.......I tried....honestly every time I felt a twinge of sadness, or disappointment I would close my eyes and ask God to help me remember all things that I have been given...to help me think about all the people in the world that are hurting and prayed for their survival...

Most of the time this would work....I would think of all of this as I looked over to my husband and loving family and I was quickly reminded that I didn't have much to complain about, I am truly blessed!


I would be lying though if I said that there where not a few occasions over the holiday's that I had a lapse...a moment......a wave wash over me of absolute despair....of intense sadness....even a few moments of envy......thankfully in these moments I had my husband and family around me to pull me back up....put the positive thoughts back into my head......help clear away the negativity.


For some reason right now I just feel a lot of anger, I feel envious of all the other couples that have been matched.....I feel sad for the couples that have been waiting and waiting just like us and I wonder do they feel the same as I do....or do they get through with the power of positive thinking all the time.......I don't want to look at facebook and see all the new pregnancy announcements...the new baby arrival pictures....I don't want to see new success stories on the online websites.....I hate that I feel this way......but right now I really wonder how much longer can we do this to ourselves...how much longer can I wake up and fall asleep sad.....I don't want to give up, but I need something to keep me going.....I need something to tell me that there isn't anything wrong with us....because at this point I feel like there is something we are missing!

This process is much harder than I ever thought possible.....for anyone involved in the adoption process birthmother, birthfamily...adoptive parents...for everyone.....from the depths of my heart, I hope that someday I can say that this was all worth it....

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas Eve.....

I want this post to be as positive as possible........I don't want to look back at this someday and feel disappointed in myself for being negative and not grateful for all the things that I have....which are so many!

So I will focus on the positive things that have happened since last Christmas......I have a wonderful family....business....friends.....this year has matured me...has made me open my heart and my head to new thoughts.....new ideas.......I now know that things don't just always work out as planned....now believe me I did realize this, I have had many hard things to get through....but I have learned this year to have more patience than ever before...to look at things from a different angle...to be totally thankful for what I do have and prepare my heart for whatever is next!!!!

My faith has grown, I have opened my heart more than ever before to trust that what is supposed to happen will and I will be okay with that in time........that is why at this point I can't give up.....right now I am more ready for a child to join our family..more than ever!

This year has been the hardest year of my life, but this year I have learned that their are things that are so much worse for others........last night I was watching a program about a women that is waiting for a lung transplant, she has been waiting 7 months......now that is waiting.....I couldn't even think about what we are waiting for....this is this women's life, she has children a loving husband a family that love her, and she is waiting for something that is going to prolong her time with them.....I would give up my wait for her....last night I prayed for her..... someone I don't even know rather than myself.....she needs this...her family needs this.......

So this year I am thankful for so many reasons........who knows what next year will bring......more hope, more faith...more new friendships....more love........

Merry Christmas Everyone!
m :)

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I am such a bad blogger right now......work is NUTS...crazy insane......2.5 days left....I think I can I think I can........

The bright side is I have F-O-U-R days off during the holidays, never has this happened before....I am SO SO excited!!!

Well back to business...just thought I would check in!

HO HO HO
m :)

Sunday, December 13, 2009

new friendship...brings new thoughts

In the past couple of weeks I have formed a friendship(or I think it is a friendship...lol) with a women that is a birthmother.....this has been an amazing experience for me, I will treasure this relationship always....not only as a new friendship but as someone that has opened my mind and my heart to some new thoughts and hopes!

The two of us have communicated over email....chatted on the phone, read each others blogs or websites....became facebook friends and through all of these different things, now know many things about each other!

At a time of year where I will be honest I am not feeling my best, there are more sad moments than happy.....this women has made me see the other side...."T"and I desperately want our dreams of a family to be fulfilled....we just can't imagine this not happening for us....but to be honest when we are in our darkest hours we don't give the other side of the story much thought.....our happiness will bring such sadness to another human being....a human being that is giving us the most amazing gift......
Since getting to know this women better, I have listened to the stories she has shared with me about her experiences throughout the last few years......the highs and the lows of her birthmother story....

As I am sitting here today.......I actually have tears in my eyes, just thinking about her pain at this supposedly magical time of year.......I hope, hope.... hope that someone will be as strong, courageous, and selfless as she was a few years ago for us.......since getting to know her, my thoughts and opinions about adoption have changed a little....I always thought I was very open to many different scenarios....but I can see my willingness for openness has changed........I can see how important it truly is....not only for the child that we will hopefully be bringing into our home but for the women that has given us such a gift......the past few weeks have been so amazing to me.....
I still can hardly believe what a gift this has been.....a chance to hear about another adoption story...to really see it from the other side......the pain, the happiness...all the emotions that are still so raw for her....now if we are ever lucky enough to be in a situation of discussing an adoption plan......I will truly know a tiny bit of the emotion that is being felt on the other side.....I pray that if we are ever(hopefully) in this situation....I am reminded of these stories I have heard over the past few weeks...to take our happiness and feel it, but to also truly feel the other side....be aware of it....be aware of the emotions that surround it, take care to support and speak truthfully, from the heart......and to always remember what is best for this little life that is coming into the world...

I pray that we both get through this holiday season....that we come out of it stronger and ready to look at the New Year as a new beginning........with such possibilities.....you just never know when a new door will open that makes things so much better!!!!

m :)

Thursday, December 10, 2009

SCAMMERS!!

I will never ever understand this, in my whole entire life I will not get why people deliberately do things to hurt and confuse other people....why why why....

I like to refer to these people in my life as SCAMMERS...they have nothing else to do but write emails or leave phone messages about some "baby" that they have available for adoption.........so people like me, if they happen to catch me at the right moment get my hopes up...I start believing that it just might be possible to adopt a child from tim buk two....ughgh....just to paint the picture her for you....on my blackberry I have all my email addresses synced....the last email address I added was our contact email for all our online registries.....so this is on the very top of applications on my screen, so I see it as soon as I look at my device....so when I see a little red star to the far right of my blackberry shining brightly, my stomach is in knots...I can't get that app open fast enough.............so too finally open my mail and have it be some crazy E%$CA D(#L)$IN from India wanting my money for a baby, I am so ready to lose it .......give me a break.....come on....please people if you would just spend all this energy on something constructive you would be doing really well in this world.....

Now when these certain people catch me on a "good day" when I am feeling confident and feisty.....they have no hope............"shame on them" I say and they are sooooooo stupid....obviously they want $$$$$ guess what folks in Canada you can't even buy a potential birthmother a coffee...not even a box of chocolates or a card NOTHING NADA ZERO....so these idiots are sooooooooo wasting their time....let alone mine and my husbands and all the other couples out there receiving these bogus contacts....

I am sure that sometimes they have had success...obviously not even the worst people in the world are going to continue doing things like this without some success......so I feel so sad for anyone that has got caught up in a Scam..........I understand how it would happen....we are vulnerable.........it is the holidays...we all want to complete are families.....they know this...they know this is the time we are the weakest..........but I feel sad and (very gullible...lol) sometimes that there are people out there in this world that would take advantage of caring hopeful couples in this world!!!....I guess just another lesson in life.....it just isn't always fair!

"shame on them"
m

Sunday, December 6, 2009

The Pfile Christmas Party RETURNED!!

So SAT night T and I had our annual Christmas Party!!! Now when I say annual that is not entirely true...we missed last year because.... well basically I was being a total scrooge and really just wanted to sleep through Christmas.....and to be honest leading up to last night I was TOTALLY dreading this party......I was going through the motions...prepping and planning and fussing over my "stations" and fun treats I would serve....but deep down I just wanted it all to go away......festive I was NOT feeling!!!



But something happened Sat to get me into the mood again.....as I chatted about the party at work all week, I noticed the girls that I work with getting kind of excited about it....wondering what I would be having and wanting me to bring in the leftover goodies....they were pumped....probably they are just so relieved I have put the Christmas Funk of 08 to rest.....so when I left work, I had a little spring in my step and was starting to get excited about the upcoming festivities!!!



Well I was not disappointed.....we had a blast....such a great time with a great bunch of people!!! This party has always been the original group of friends of T's....these 5 guys started elementary school together and are still best of friends...it is so great...of course there have been others to join the clan since then...what a wonderful time to catch up with everyone...



All the food was gobbled up and drinks were flowing and I must add that the popcorn bar was a HUGE success....lol...it was so great to catch up with everyone...great way to start the Christmas Season!!!!

m:)

Thursday, December 3, 2009

last christmas....

Christmas is certainly in the air isn't it......I can't believe how fast it is upon us and how uninspired I am truly feeling!!

I have been trying very hard to keep myself positive, keep myself busy and I am working very hard at getting into the Christmas spirit! Of course at work Christmas is all anyone is talking about, so it is really at the forefront of my day all the time!

Lately I have been hearing and reading tons of peoples thoughts about the holiday's.....much of the time is all very positive and happy....there seems to be a certain amount of excitement and anticipation that surrounds this time of year. There of course are a ton of people that don't feel as positive about the holidays and unfortunately I completely understand where they are coming from. I can remember listening to "scrooge" like people years ago and thinking come on get into the spirit...you bah humbug......oh man do I ever regret thinking that way right now!

As I listen to various plans and what people think future Christmas's will look like for them I am so envious.... I would love to go back to those naive moments when you truly thought everything was just going to work out to "plan".....a time when you had no idea what pain and heartache was to come....now in saying that I want to clarify I do get that if I wasn't at this point in my life the most wonderful things in my life would not have happened. I am not wanting to change anything, I am just saying that it would be so great to still be living in the sugar coated dream world where everything is just going to work out perfectly!!!!

This week we were contacted by another birthmother, she really seems like a very nice person and she is struggling...unfortunately after hearing about her situation and the circumstances that surrounded it we knew that it would just not be possible for us.......I know that I should be writing that we are just so thankful that we are being contacted and looked at due to the 2 websites we are on...and that is very true, we are very thankful for that.......but the selfish part of me is writing......please please can't something just work out already.......I want to get off this crazy emotional roller coaster that we are on........I want to feel like myself again....I want to be truly excited and happy about the holidays....I want to be able to have a little one in my salon and enjoy them for who they are not that they represent something that I would love to be lucky enough to have in my life........I don't want to be sad anymore......

Last Christmas I got through it with the thought that this would be it, our last Christmas just the two of us.....I guess that is the great thing about this crazy thing we call life...you can't see into the future so you always need to have hope...that is what will get you through. Whether you need to get through another baby shower, or awkward comment from a friend, or failed match or simply just to get through another December.....if you have faith, if you have hope it will always keep you strong enough to struggle through the tough stuff!!!

as my Dad would say....keep your chin up Chelle.....:)
m

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Adoption Connections....the place to be!!!


I just wanted to share with all of you, the most awesome online adoption site...Adoption Connections.....Shelley the owner is such a great person, very supportive! I am so happy that we have been able to register with her and are feeling really positive about it!


Here is the link to our profile page on this registry...Shelley did such a great job putting it together and her hints on the pictures that we should use were SO right on!!! We are thrilled with it!


Take a peek...


m:)


Also...I have had a few fellow bloggers asking me random questions lately....some about hair, adoption, what kind of mascara I use.....everything and anything.....so I thought I would open things up a bit......if you have a question for me ask away and I will do a post next week answering all your questions!!!


Thursday, November 26, 2009

man oh man...

The first time I cut my husband's hair...I thought I was going to hyperventilate.. .I broke out into the most disgusting sweat.....I had never ever in my at that time 14 years of cutting hair...seen a head of hair so hard to cut.....and of course I knew him fairly well by this time and I could tell that this guy wanted to have nice hair...he was a bit particular about his locks..........
I had also heard about his long time stylist, who he had been seeing for many years...and she did a good job as far as I could see....and boy at that moment in between snips I had the utmost respect for this women.......geez this was tough....

It is always a big joke in the salon when someone asks me..."do you cut you husbands hair"..and I of course have to go into the long winded "tale of Terry's tresses"....I embellish saying how awful it is, how stressful....and to make matters worse by the time T gets to have a haircut I am exhausted from usually a very busy Saturday.....so lets be honest I am not at my best.....there have been many times that we have got home and I have looked at him and cringed...yikes....get the kitchen shears out lets trim that up.....lol

I have actually truly considered going to T's old stylist and buying him a lifetime supply of gift certificates....whew let her deal with this......but that wouldn't really do much for my reputation now would it!!!

Well T you will be happy to know that I met your match today............WOW....this man not only had a very challenging head of hair but he was really into "fashion" as he called it.......he was asking me the strangest questions about various things....and he was SO picky about his cut........I just couldn't help from giggling inside......thinking wow buddy, I can't believe this but you have just taken over a longstanding rein here.........you are now officially my toughest male client.....T has held this position for some time now......I'm not sure how he will feel about this......he has been the source of such good material for years...always getting tons of laughs and of course sympathy from the ladies because his hairstylist wife makes him drive 30 mins to get his haircut....in my defence you wouldn't believe how important a hydraulic chair is when you are cutting T's hair!!

m :)

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

the life of a blogger!!!

I have been writing this blog now for about a year and a half.....what an interesting ride.....it has had its high points and of course its low points.....


I have had moments that I have thought I'm not doing this anymore.....after a negative comment or something that I have shared has hurt someone else.....but in the end I say to myself..."no one has to read this"...this is my personal space and I really can write whatever I want! In my line of work you have to be UP all the time....no one wants to come in and have me in a sad/bad mood.....I need to support them through whatever they are going through at the time.....quite honestly lots of times at the end of my day...my world looks pretty damn good after listening to my clients all day!!! :)


I have also had my "going private" moments too....actually did that for a week or so...again after insecurities got the best of me and I just couldn't take the negative stuff!


I do still find it funny that the people who comment and vocally support me are most of the time, not all I am totally generalizing here(actually today I received a really nice comment from someone that I have known for literally years, which was so nice)...but a lot of the people are people that I have never met in the "real world".......the people that I have met on this blog have literally gotten me through the darkest deepest moments.....I read fellow bloggers posts and it is almost like I wrote them myself.....I can see their pain and relate to their struggles and celebrate with them in their victories...their high moments!!!



It really feels like I have a whole new network of people that support me.....and I do think, I guess I don't know this for sure but I do think that the readers that don't comment and don't say anything to me personally are there keeping me up too, sending out positive prayers for us...

I am sure that sometimes the things I am feeling and writing people don't agree with.....that is something I have learned on this journey...not everyone is going to agree with what we decided.....my closest family and friends may not agree with the path we have chosen....I do feel that before our life took this turn I was naive enough to think that everyone would just agree with us...see it our way.....I have grown to see that no, that is not the way it is......thankfully most people in my life even though they may not agree 100% us...still support....for that I am truly grateful!!!



I guess today I am just reflecting on my blogging journey.....how it has brought people back into my life and it has opened up a whole new support system......so it is a thankyou to all you have given us hope, got me through the tough stuff....and to the people that don't agree or read a post and feel negativity towards it remember.....you just never ever know what you would do until you are sitting in the exact same seat as someone else.....so please be kind....open your mind to new thoughts and ideas....and if I or any other blog is bringing you down...stop reading it and move on to something that will help you on your particular path......



m :)

Sunday, November 22, 2009

blogging the highs and the lows........

Sometimes things just happen for a reason...you "meet" that right person and things just seem to take off....I can't believe the highs and the lows that this blog has brought to my life! A few days ago I received a comment on my blog, it is always so exciting when I receive a comment from someone new...it always amazes me that anyone even wants to read my ramblings...and then to take the time to comment...unreal....

Anyways, this comment was from a women that actually owns an online adoption site, it was so bizarre because "T" and I had just been chatting about this site and thinking that we should register with them.........so you can imagine my surprise when I discovered that this new comment was indeed from the women that owns this agency...

Now to be honest I really don't necessarily get into all this "fate" stuff...but this was a bit weird......so we threw caution to the wind and decided to register....and we couldn't be happier.........this girl is so awesome....in just a few days I feel like I actually know her really well...so weird, but she is so kind and helpful.....I am so happy to have had this opportunity to register with her, and most importantly........I feel hopeful again I have a really positive feeling about this.........whatever it is to bring......I feel so good about this decision!!!!!

Thanks "S" for keeping me positive!!!
m :)

Friday, November 20, 2009

my Mom and Dad are away for a couple weeks....I guess I just needed a to "hear" her voice tonight...this is a comment she left me a few blogs ago....I'm not sure that it really sunk in when she posted it...but for some reason I came across it tonight....exactly what I needed!


"...give thanks in all circumstances...the highest level of thankfulness we can give is believing and having faith in knowing that God works through all circumstances for ultimate good...even though it is so hard for us to see and understand."

once again, even miles away she knows the perfect thing to say!!

m :)

we need to cheer up around here.......:)

So we need to cheer this blog up a bit......here are some pics from my recent Christmas Extravaganza.....be prepared it kind of looks like a dollar store has thrown up in my living room....lol









It's beginning to look alot like Christmas.......

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

the plan.....

I wonder sometimes what life will bring...what is our future? I have always been a planner....I plan...I plan very very well!! I like to be scheduled, it is the nature of my business..you make an appt and you arrive on time....everything is minute by minute...yes I know that sounds super annoying to some of you...but that is how I roll......I plan, I make lists and then make another list just to be sure.......from a very young age I started to plan out my future..some things have gone to "plan...but I have learned that lots of times plans change...often for the better!!


So when I start thinking about our future....I can't help myself from planning, or at least thinking about a plan.....our future plan!

This is when things get very very confusing for me! I feel like we had a plan and then that changed, we have embraced that change we have actually grown to love this new plan....the plan to grow our family through adoption...the plan of welcoming a child and potentially, hopefully their birthfamily to be a part of our lives....yes not even close to the plan that I thought of as a young twentysomething but this has become my dream now.....this is what our future looks like in my mind.



As I sit here 14 months into our wait, I get frustrated, confused wondering if I should be planning something else, have a backup plan so I can be prepared for what might be...yes I am still trying so hard to stay positive and believe that this is all going to work out. I just can't help myself though, from trying to wrap my head around the fact that it just might not.....I know that sounds so negative and this won't make sense to many of you...but I need to prepare myself for this......I need to know that somehow, someway I am going to be okay if this doesn't work to "plan"......
I seem to be the type of person that can deal with anything if I am prepared....so I have started to think about this.....asking myself all of the dreaded questions....will we be okay....will we find comfort if there are no children to fill our lives....I know that the most important thing for me is to be able to spend the rest of my days with my husband...if I can't have that then nothing would be worth it......so I continue to pray that somehow... I will gain the strength to deal with whatever plan takes place.......

just some Thursday ramblings...this just seems to be where I am at right now....confused, trying to stay positive......wondering what our future looks like......
m :)

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

moms....

Sometimes, Mom's just always know the right things to say and do!

Yesterday my Mom came in to get her hair done before her and my Dad leave on a much deserved 2 week stint in the sunny south.....I am sure she was looking forward to a nice relaxing couple of hours at the salon....and well I am afraid she left with much more than she bargained for!!!

Yes I had a mini breakdown mid foil application.........***sigh***.....I'm not sure what hit me, I'm sure it was the comfort of my Mother's understanding voice but she got it all.....I just let it all out....all my fears and hopes and sadness....everything....
As always she calmed me down and comforted me and made me see things sensibly! She just always knows how to put things into perspective....makes me see things clearly!!!

I know my parents feel our pain, they don't pretend to totally get it because they have not been through this but I think as parents when your kids hurt you hurt....so my poor Mom is loosing just as much sleep over this as I.....she is praying for our miracle probably even more then we are!!
This morning I woke up to an email from my Mom after she had been awake for hours through the night....this email was the most amazing, uplifting....special email.....it has made me think that this just might be possible again...lifted my spirits....taken me from the depths of the valley to the top of the hill again.....

Thanks MOM
m
xo

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

hills and valleys!

So I seem to be just hanging on by a thread recently.....I am trying so hard to stay upbeat for everyone and positive....happy about Christmas coming, happy about everyone elses news and excitement.....but honestly I am drowning here....seriously just barely getting by!

When we talk about hills and valleys... shit here we are again in a valley....damn it all!!! I hate being here.....I hate waking up every morning with hope and anticipation that just maybe the phone will ring or we will get that email.......only to hit 10pm and head to bed with tears trickling down my face.....trying to not let anyone know.....

I am making myself crazy with guilt....guilt over the fact that it is my Dads 60th coming up and he doesn't have grandchildren yet.....guilt over the fact that I know friends get that look when they are going to talk about their children and they are not sure if they should or not....of course I feel that they should but in the end it always hurts to hear all the little details that I am missing.....feeling guilty and hoping that my brother and his girlfriend don't feel that they should halt any of their own plans due to all of this with us....(I don't even know where that one is coming from....it is so stupid.....my brother is going to think I am crazy when he reads this)......

Sometimes all of this is just too much....I am caught in a whirlwind of thoughts all the time...not sleeping...all of this consuming me, until thank goodness I go to work and can concentrate on big problems like ladies walking around with mullets.....lol

We met with our local CAS yesterday and that has just taken this to a whole new level....I am just not sure what we can handle.....one minute I feel so selfish for thinking or more importantly writing that....and then the next I get angry that we even have to think about this.....why can't this just be easier.....

People have been asking me why I haven't blogged in a bit...well to be honest, I have revisited this post so many times today, mostly because I can hardly imagine opening myself up this much....to anyone...I don't want people's pity....I already know every cliche....this is just a valley.....thank GOODNESS I know that a hill is always just around the corner......

m :)

Saturday, November 7, 2009

THE MULLET.......

The MULLET????



What is the first thing you think of when you see that word.....what picture comes to your mind! I will never understand the fascination with the mullet.....and why some women STILL have it....now don't get me wrong there is a very "envogue" version that was so popular last season.....and even a trend this season that could be described as "mulletish!!! But quite frankly we do not have many sporting the trendy version here in this smalltown.....if there is any mullets it is the old fashioned....hideous kind!!! You know it, the infamous mullet also known as HOCKEY HAIR!!



Yesterday I had a new client booked in with me....which is always exciting something fresh and new....I even still get a few butterflies in my stomach if anticipation.....hmmm wondering what this person will be like....nice, laidback, snobby....I get them all...so this women walked in and from the back of the salon I could see her...........now the first thing that caught my eye was her haircolor some sort of lackluster shade of auburn....definitely an at home job, definitely not a good color for her....but hey that is why she is here right....I will get her out of that color in no time.....as I started towards the front of the salon I was getting a better look at what I was getting to work on..........oh my.....I could see that she had the bottom half of her hair tied back....however the top of her hair was SHORT almost spikey.....WTH????



WOW I thought how are we going to let this women down gently.....telling her that she looked like a walking hair tragedy.....well honestly is always my best policy so here we go.........I thought to myself well maybe she just had a REALLY REALLY bad last haircut and that is why she is here......she had to wait 6 weeks for this appt so she really wanted to wait and see me.....okay that must be it!!



So we get seated for our consultation....and I start off by telling her how much I like her shirt and how nice it is to meet her and then we get into the nitty gritty...so_____ what are we going to do today......and to my surprise she replied saying as she was pulling out her "pony".....just a trim please....I have finally got this to a length that I can pull it back..........OH wow....okay I have my work cut out for me here....because this head is not leaving this building with my name on it cut in any shape that it is now...yikes!!!

This women needs to get educated.....and she is so attractive, tall slim very young looking.....so I figure I will start with that.......I said sure I can do that but you are so attractive I almost feel like all of this length is pulling you down......and do you like this top area so short.....???? So after chatting with her for a bit she sort of opened up and realized that all the short pieces where really causing her trouble when she styled it.....ahhhhh thank goodness......so we gave her a totally new look...........she looked so awesome....and is coming back to get that terrible color fixed....ahhh...



Her last comment to me was.........."thank-you for being so honest, most people just do it and never give my any advice......so did I have a mullet"....well I could not lie...."yes yes, you did one of the best I have seen in years........and to be honest no one leaves here with a mullet"....we all laughed and she booked for a color and cut is six weeks!!

m

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

HO hum.........

hmmm....I just don't seem to have much to say right now.....

here are a few quick updates....

-"T" is away.....business in Vegas...
- I am working a TON....blah
- new stylist starts next week parttime
- meet with CAS on Monday to begin the registration process.... see where that might take us
- I'm getting a new vehicle.....just picked out a Toyota Venza...
- GiRLs weekend on Sat with some great girls....we have been friends since elementary school
- still have not heard anything from our BM email
- it's T's bday on Thurs.....hmm any ideas for a fun present.....geesh he should be the one giving presents seeing he is having fun is Vegas.....lol
- had a fun dinner with some girlfriends on Sunday.....we have discovered an awesome Thai takeout place in the city.....and they deliver.....nice!

I am totally getting into planning our Christmas Party....love it...however it costs too much money....it doesn't pay to be creative and have new ideas all the time.....lucky I'm working a ton or I would be out spending all the time!!
has anyone ever been to a party that had a popcorn bar???????? let me know what you thought of it.....this is my new brainstorm, the candy bar is soooo two years ago....lol...lol...can't wait!!!

Well that is it for now.......rather boring, nothing new......just keeping keepin' on.....:)
m

Thursday, October 29, 2009

black and white.....

So as we kind of expected we have not heard anything from the potential BM from the weekend.....

As more and more days pass, I just can't help thinking about this young women and the turmoil she is going through.....putting all my feelings aside, my heart is breaking for her. Seriously when I put myself in that situation and start really thinking about it......it boggles my mind.....I can NOT sit here and say to you that I would choose adoption, if I was in her shoes.....I know some of you reading this are going to disagree passionately with me......but if I think back to my 20's....I just can't say forsure that is what I would choose....I just don't know!

I have had a few conversations this week with various people in different stages of life and it really does amaze me how black and white some people are.......they find it so difficult to see many different angles to different situations.....especially unplanned pregnancies.....

I have seen anger from people that are in the same situation as T and I.....anger that young teens would choose to parent, I have seen disgust from women that have 2 to 3 children of their own, when discussing abortion...I have seen sadness when a client asks me if we have heard anything and as always I have the same reply..."nope nothing"..."why not they ask, whats going on" and I explain for what seems to be the hundredth time,.. well some of it is that teens are choosing to parent...etc etc.....this week I have seen and heard it all......the most bizarre comment this week was when a young girl said to me..."I can't believe that someone so old(meaning the 20yr old that contacted us) would even think about adoption".....translation everyone in my school is keeping their babies whey wouldn't she.....yep this is the world we are living in....that kind of stuff is just normal right now......my reply by the way was..."well let's see..for starters, she is in university, she is not married or even in a relationship, she doesn't have a job...do I need to keep going here...these are reasons why young women entertain adoption?????

Then there is me....always trying to see all sides.....trying to take every situation as it is......when I think about situations I try to imagine myself and what I and my family would have done or would do......and seriously most of the time I do not feel anger.....don't get me wrong there are many moments when I see a women stroll by my salon with a dirty stroller, 3 kids hanging off her hip and she is smoking a cigarette....now that gets me down.....why why why I think.....these poor kids......but when I see a situation like I did a few weeks ago in my DR office....an 18 year old girl, a gorgeous baby boy and the young girls mother....cuddling, talking and caring for this baby....I can honestly say that I am okay with that......
I do strongly feel that the birthfamily is the best place for a child, now matter how old the BM or BF is....IF they are getting an astounding amount of support from family and friends...and they want this and know the ramifications on the rest of their lives......their lives are going to be tough...it is not going to be easy, but if they have family support, love, and lots of help I do think it can work...and be the best for the child.

When I think of women who are facing an unplanned pregnancy, no matter what their circumstances.....I just can't even imagine what they go through, when they are trying to figure out the rest of their lives....that will now either have a child in it or not.......to choose adoption absolutely amazes me.....it is the biggest, most amazing gift that any women could give....I can see why only 4% choose this option...I really can....I can see that it would be so much easier to choose another option....so much easier......
I truly hope we are lucky enough to meet one of these amazing, selfless women someday and hopefully help her....make her feel good about the decision she is about to make....she of course would be making all of our dreams come true, but more importantly I hope we would be helping her do what's best for her and her child.......in my eyes any birthmother is a hero...is stronger than I will ever be...and they absolutely amaze me!!!!

Monday, October 26, 2009

the early bird gets the worm....

Very early Sunday morning, I woke up and as always had to use the bathroom.....as I made my way I noticed my blackberry sitting on the bench so I grabbed it as I shuffled past. As I tried to focus I saw that the little red star was flashing on the "tmadopts" account....(this is an email account that I had to set up for the CanadaAdopts site).....my first thought was oh here we go some more spam....

As I opened it up though, I have to be honest, just like every other time.... I had a glimmer of hope, that it just might be something....well this time it was.........

We had received an email from a young women from our province who had seen our profile on the CanadaAdopts site....she said she was considering adoption and that we looked like a very nice happy couple and if we would like to contact here that would be great....she hadn't at that point talked to any agency or SW....she is 4 months along....

I was so calm after reading it....I actually couldn't believe myself......I immediately went into survival mode.....did not get excited, I very calmly and rationally thought now this doesn't' mean anything....it is just great that after all the YouTube, CanadaAdopts, Globe and Mail drama, what I always thought had come true.....this could really work having our profile online!!!
So I gently, quietly woke up T....haha YAH RIGHT I shook him until he woke up and showed him that email.....we chatted about it and decided to forward it on to our SW to see if she could advise us as to what our next step should be....

So we replied to the email mid morning Sunday and no we haven't heard anything....I have to say I am not surprised, but really all that matters at this point is.... we feel good about the fact that young women will turn to the Internet when faced with these challenges in life.....it has made me feel so much better about our decisions.....clearly I would love to hear from this potential BM and get to know her better and her get to know us and see if adoption is really the right choice for her and her family.....and who knows.....maybe we will hear from her...I can't even imagine the turmoil she is experiencing right now.....my heart goes out to her....
May everything turn out as it should for this young women and her loved ones.....

For me though, I am already grateful to her... just for that one simple email!
m :)

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

the eve of 35!

Okay so here we are the night before my Birthday.......hmmm I have to be truthful, I am just not sure how I am feeling about this one!!


Now don't get me wrong, I'm not one to get uptight about getting older or turning the next page to start the next chapter in the life of M....but holy moly this one is taking me on a bit of a mind twisting, crazy emotional ride.........so to most of you the number 35 probably doesn't mean much but to me it is huge!!!


35 to me, means so many things.......I can very vividly remember being maybe 16 or 17, sitting chatting with girlfriends and we were talking about the future....and we discussed the number 35...we daydreamed about how our lives would be, some of us where travelling the world, some of us would never ever live in this small town, some of us would have children some of us wouldn't........well for me I thought, I would be pretty much like my own mother, working, married and would have two children, balancing everything just beautifully...by the time I was 35 I was sure my kids would be about 10 and 7 so I would be very very busy but I just couldn't wait...well here we are and that is certainly not what has happened, most things have worked out much better than my daydream...most importantly I am not married to my highschool crush of that moment...whew now that is relief....yikes....and my career has progressed much farther than I would have dreamed at that point in my life...I have a wonderful husband and my family and friends are just the best....so yes SO SO much to be thankful for......

However tonight for some reason this number is stinging just a bit..........there is this part of me that is thinking....ughghg great....I am going to be that old mother that I didn't want to be....you know that one you can remember from your childhood that just looked WAY older than your MOM...for some reason she just was not cool.....however after a bit of reflection tonight I kind of think that lady just looked old because she hadn't heard of hair color or makeup and had a bit of a challenge with her wardrobe choices....


The other part of 35 that is really getting me down is the fact that the last time we met with our fertility specialist he looked at me as he was pointing to his graph and said if you want to try this get back here before you turn 35....see this line...right now you are way up here once you turn 35 you take a huge dip and you are headed south...not good.........well at that moment I was 33 almost 34 but I felt like okay, whatever I have tons of time, if we decide to take on that whopping 2% success rate you are predicting...

Well we decided after meeting with my other DR's that we would not chance this, it would cause way to much risk for my other health issues....so I put it too bed....until this week....with this number staring me in the face, and as I sit and ponder I can't help but wonder...should we have just tried??? I don't know, of course T says "absolutely NOT, you just don't risk something like that...you are more important to me than anything else".....and clearly when you have DR's saying NO you should really listen to them.....especially when they have been looking after you since you were 17 years old......so I know I just need to put this to bed and stop playing the "what if game"???

So tonight as I sit and reflect on the past 35 years.....I do wonder about some things....like everyone does at birthday times.....yes of course there are somethings that haven't worked out according to my teenage "plan", but there are some things that have worked out SO much better...so from that I will move into my next year with no regrets....be grateful for all that I have been given and keep moving ahead, excited to see what the next chapter brings!!!!

m :)

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

for a friend....

Last night I received a really nice, moving email message from an old friend. It honestly came at the exact moment that I needed it....I was having one of those nights....I wish I could say that most times I am up and positive and.... lalala, everything happens for a reason type of a mood...but I do seem to have these times....the culprit...the damn internet....ughghg I get on this stupid thing and I read and I search and google.....and most times it just brings me down....so last night was such a nice surprise to get an uplifting, really sincere note from an old friend!

This email did two things for me....(at first it made me cry harder)lol but after that it showed me that so many people are supporting us....this friend and I don't talk very often, I have no idea why, we have businesses right down the street from each other and have been friends for literally almost our entire lives...starting kindergarten together...but for some reason in the last 10 or so years we have drifted apart....but every once in awhile we are at the same function and we chat for hours....so to have her send this out of the blue just to tell me she cares...well it was so so nice....the other thing it did for me at that moment was instantly gave me peace and courage to keep going...and I needed it at that point in time!

Of course this message came with the intent that you would pass it on....now my friend said to me that she doesn't ever send these things around but really thought of me when she read it...so I started to think, and the first person that popped into my head was a friend of mine that is going through the same process as us.....the dreadful waiting for domestic adoption process....so I sent it on to her with a note saying I hoped that all our dreams came true within this next year...

It truly is funny how small the adoption world becomes when you are immersed in it. This particular friend is from home and we have known each other for years.....wow when we met some 10-12 years ago I can say for sure neither of us thought we would be going through this at the same time....
To be honest I can remember the instant that I became aware of her and her husbands adoption desires....in Canada when you want to adopt you are required to take a course called P.R.I.D.E....so last year Terry and I decided to get the weekend long seminar over with....as we drove into the parking lot, I can remember my stomach doing a flip flop wondering if I was going to know anyone in this class...ughhgg I thought please NO I just want to do this on our own...I don't want anyone to know(HAHAHA so funny that I didn't want anyone to know then...fast forward one year and we are on the cover of the Globe and Mail...go figure... who knew)lol...anyways we walked in and there she was....someone I knew and knew very well....great I thought....just great....I have no idea if she felt the same way.....but after the first day...I had calmed myself down and decided why wouldn't I embrace this and be grateful to have someone familiar to talk to and commiserate with about our situations.....so the rest of the weekend we sat together and chatted about everything!

We have emailed back and forth ever since then...updating each other.....T and I were just finishing our homestudy process as this couple was beginning so we told them what to expect etc ect...
So now here we are two couples waiting.....waiting for the same thing, in the same location.....I have to be honest...I sometimes am nervous to email her...I get nervous that she is going to tell me they are being presented and then I am going to go into a tail spin over that...or she is going to say "oh guess what we are matched"....blah yes I know this sounds horrible...but I am human and I being honest here...I sometimes feel this sense of envy, I start to compare..I know logically that we are both on separate journey's and when things are supposed to happen for either of us they will...there isn't really anything we can do to change that......sometimes though, I just can't even stand that we know each other so well and we are waiting, praying and dreaming for the exact same situation to come up....
Tonight I received a response from the email I sent to her last night...and I think it is safe to say she is feeling the exact same way....she too is a human being...wanting something to happen so badly, that she too has those feelings, I do......this process is so hard, it drains you...it takes your heart and rips it apart time and time again...you become a person that you never ever wanted to become....sometimes sad, sometimes angry, sometimes envious, and then the next minute you have hope....honestly you just never know what the day will bring......

So what I want to say to my friend is.....we have 2 choices here, we can stop talking and hope we never hear how the other is doing(likely not an option seeing we live in the gossip center of the universe) or we can support each other....it is highly probable that one of us is going to have a baby before the other....harsh but true....unless by some stoke of luck there is an onslaught of HC babies this is not going to happen.....so we need to be there for each other....we are the only two people that actually know how each other are feeling, we can actually relate to each other....we really do know...so many people try to feel it, but unless you have been here, in our shoes you definitely don't get it.....so we need to be each others support system....helping each other keep the faith!!!

Because as the message said.....this is going to be our year!!!
m

Sunday, October 18, 2009

grateful....

Tonight T and I watched a movie and it got me to thinking!

I can't even believe the stuff that some children have to deal with....it is unbelievable....things that I as an adult can hardly imagine dealing with, these poor innocent children have to deal and live with everyday of their lives.
Not only do these children have to deal with the struggles families are facing due to our present economic situation but also they are dealing with parents who are sick with cancers or diseases...they are dealing with parents who are mentally unsound and unstable...substance abuse issues with drugs and alcohol, not to mention the abuse children suffer from, when these issues drive parents to do the unthinkable....
In this particular movie that we watched two adorable little girls walked in on their mother in the bathtub....she had just committed suicide....these two helpless little girls walked into their home, the haven where they felt safe and this is what greeted them.......how do you recover from this???

The movie went on to show these girls become women......and unfortunately life was not treating them that well...they had so many scars from that event that had happened so many years ago....they just couldn't get past it and it continued to affect them as years passed........

I just can't believe how lucky most of us are.....the things that I have had to deal with in my life are so so trivial in comparison to so many peoples lives....I can't even imagine complaining about anything right now......
It is funny, T and I have been chatting a bit about international adoption and an adoption with our local CAS.....we have decided that we will wait it out a bit longer for our dream, a dream of having a baby come into our home....and becoming a family.....if that is not what is intended for us...tonight has made me realize that their are so many children right here in my own country that need us....to be able to take a child out of a very bad situation would be an amazing gift to be given...

m

Friday, October 16, 2009

trumped!!!

So I have a funny funny story to share with everyone....it was something that happened at my husbands Thanksgiving Family dinner last weekend......hehe....I can already see my MIL gasping thinking "oh my" what is she going to say this time.......not to worry nothing tragic just funny very very funny!!!

So you have all heard my chat about my husbands Grandmother Kay...she is a hmmmm how do I put this... well she is a very lively 90 year old.....she has more spunk than I do...seriously I would have loved to see this women in action 40 years ago....WOW....

So to set the stage for you Terry, myself, Kay and Ron(Terry's grandparents) where all sitting in the living room.....golf was on, we all had a drink and really not much chatting was going on.....I was honestly totally thinking about the hellish week I had had and wasn't really focusing on much.....well I was in lala land...Terry later told me her overheard Ron say to Kay "so did you ask her"....."ask who what" Kay replied...."ask Michelle about the pants".....that is about when I must have heard my name and started paying attention.....I then heard Kay reply "NO Laura is going to try them".....this got my attention and at that very moment when Kay said my name I glanced at her perfectly manicured hand and saw the most HIDEOUS pants all folded up beside her...........OH NO I thought her we go......this isn't going to be good!!!

So Kay said "Michelle would you like to try this pants on to see if they fit you"........my stomach did a flip flop and I thought oh shit.......as she unfolded them with care....in all there patterned lime green, charcoal, animal print glory I cringed..........ughghgh what the heck....I am not EVER in my life going to wear those capri like pants.....yes Kay you would wear those they are totally your style.....loud, vibrant actually I'm sure many would like them, but not me....I really like to blend....so my mind started working overtime....okay Michelle you have 2 choices here....you can lie and say oh sure I will try them and then say they don't fit....(sidebar here....that is what my sister in-law said...who is tall, thin and beautiful and maybe a size 8 but she told Kay that they would be too tight WHATEVER....and I think my MIL even said they would be to tight....uhmmmmm my MIL looks amazing right now, lost a ton of weight so I think they would have fit her just fine) anyways I had to make a split decision which way I was going to go with this reply....and sadly I choose honesty is the best policy....ughghg why why would I have had to be an upstanding citizen at that moment.....maybe not the best choice!!!

So I took a deep breath and said Thanks Kay for the offer but honestly I just don't think I would wear them....they just really aren't me.....and she replied rather abruptly "WELL I LIKE THEM, they are a gorgeuos pair of pants, they still have the tags on them they would have cost a lot of money"....I sort of smiled and said well I know you like them, and that is great but I wouldn't want to take them and not wear them when someone else could be enjoying them.....ughhg I was sinking fast here....I could see Terry's grandfather looking at me with a not to impressed look over the top of his glasses...sheeessshhh I needed some help here I treading in very deep water and no one was helping me out.....there was a bit of silence and then she said it.....in Kay fashion....a very calculated remark....."well I guess I could always ask Kelly(Terry's sister, who was not there)....but I don't know how fat she is right now....I don't know if they would fit her....but I know for sure they would fit you" AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

Nice move Kay....I got the point that was to get back at me for being so rude about her pants........hmmm even at 90 years old she can trump me...... just so you all know the pants were a size 14 and I can honestly say they would have been too big....I am a perfect size 10 these days...... thankyou very much.....lol

So later on in the evening, I said to Terry well who knows where my point value was sitting with your Grandparents....I think it moves around a bit.....but at this moment I am guaranteeing it is sitting in the negative.....!!!

haha....Thanksgiving at the inlaws.....lol
m
xo

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Oh the places you will go!!!!

This is my all time favorite book...no matter where you are in your life when you are feeling down this book will bring you back up!!! On Monday I was going through some of my books and found this book, my Mom gave it to me about 10 years ago after my very short first marriage ended....it was like I was meant to read this on Monday....it gave me that extra push I needed to move on, move up and get my head back in the game!!!
I have picked this book up so many times in the past 10 years and it always makes me feel better.....hopefully it will make you smile too!!

Thanks again MOM!!
xo
Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And then things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on y our way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or the waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for the wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be as famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't
Because, sometimes they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul.
On you will go
though your enemies prowl.
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike,
And I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never foget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
You're off the Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your
way!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

blogger love.......

Today I wanted to ask everyone that supports me to go on over and visit my cousin who is in Kenya right now!!!

She is amazing.....she is embarking on a life changing adventure....not only is she expierencing a culture that is nothing that she has ever seen before....she is helping at an orphange in Kenya...falling in love with all these precious little ones!
But as you can imagine it is quite a culture shock....we are so very lucky here, we have NO idea....just the fact that we can have a hot shower in the morning, is more than she can right now!!

JD is also overcoming a fear of being away from home and loved ones for a long period of time!!! I know how hard this is....I once spent 3 months of my life living in a different country and unfortunatly I didn't make the best of it....I was homesick and afraid....so I walked around dazed and confused for 3 months instead of embracing my time away and making the best of it, my biggest regret thus far in my life is that 3 month expierence.....JD is so much stronger than I....I know she is going to face this with all she has and get through it!!

We are all so so proud of her and can't wait for her return to enrich all of our lives with her tales...that will make all of us more aware of the world around us....make us see first hand how lucky we truly are...how thankful we should all be everyday of our lives.

love ya jamie....<3<3<3>3>3>3....lol
m :)

Monday, October 12, 2009

Movin.....ON!!!


Alright that's it.....I am done....I am so done being sad and upset.....it is sooooo exhausting....this is crazy I am so over it!!

I don't know what has hit me this morning but when I look over the last few blogs I am actually making myself sick reading them......my gosh WTH......

SO....I am no longer going to apologize or feel bad for the decisions I have made....so to all of the idiots that made negative comments towards our article in the Globe and Mail......screw you.....I am here to inform you that I am proud of it.....you know what, I can proudly say 10 years from now, no matter what happens in our life.... we did everything in our power to find our child(thankyou Mom, Dad, Aunt Carol, Lisa T and Robin for making me see this).....I will not have any regrets...of course there are always going to be people that don't agree with you, that is the great thing about us all being so different...how boring life would be if we all saw things through the same coloured glasses.......
This morning a thought struck me in the shower, like really how many people get to be on the cover of the Globe and Mail????....I'm pretty sure not many.....I should have been soooo excited all week about it, not sad and angry with myself for doing it.......so to all of you asses.....you may have got me for a week but you haven't got me anymore.....because I am back....and I am just going to assume that all of you are just always negative downers.....shit if your comments made me act and feel how I was feeling, for a whole 6 days.... let me tell you your life must just suck because it takes way more energy to be negative than it does to be positive.....because I am exhausted!!
This whole situation is not going to get me down for one more minute.....I am a strong positive person.....I am no longer going to worry about what people think....yes that's right this blog is going public once again....ssheeesh I can't believe that I let a few lame people's comments get me down....I have way too many people write me or chat with me about my blog, telling me how much I have helped them, that they can relate and love reading it.....so to the few people that sit around at their family Sunday night dinners, discussing my decisions and what I write about...get a life....you are not going to get me down for one more minute!!

AND.....This situation is not going to ruin my favorite time of year again ....NO WAY.....for 33 years my absolute favorite time of year has been from Thanksgiving until New Years Day....such a fun time we always so much going on...parties, birthday's......and I will not sit around and be sad like I was last year......so yeah did I think we would have a child to spend the Holidays with....well of course I did, but what the heck.....it hasn't happened yet, it doesn't mean it won't and it doesn't mean I should sit around and sulk about it......so no I won't be doing the Martha Stewart Kids Christmas crafts yet but I can have a fabulous Wine Tasting Adults only Christmas Party.....I can entertain to my hearts content.....my favorite thing to do!!

AND.....This stupid situation is not going to let me forget that I have a very successful business to run.....I love what I do...yes there are always bumps in the road....and I am in one right now....so what....deal with it.....work harder.....think outside the box....like I always do....don't sit around and mope about it because you have had a hard week.....fix it!!!

So NO, I don't know what is going to happen in our life.......no one does........yes I would love to know and be able to plan but that isn't the deal....no one gets to know......so I am going to enjoy this ride called life and move on taking it in stride.... having fun, working hard and enjoying every minute.....sorry for the lapse in my character, that depressing person that was around for a week......I guess I just let a few idiots get in my head space for a bit......well NO MORE.....I am back, back to myself.....and I bet all those people with the rude comments are still sitting around being negative....ruining someone else's week.....and I can almost guarantee that they all have really REALLY BAD HAIR!!!!! :)
MiCheLLe is MOVING ON!!!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Thanksgiving.....

Thanksgiving 2009.....

Well what can I say, right now I feel like I have a little red creature with a fork in hand on my right shoulder, and a beautiful white creature with a halo above it's head on my left......that little red creature is saying.....screw you thanksgiving and of course the more sane left shoulder is saying.....my gosh you have so much to be thankful for....

Yep that's exactly how I feel this year.....now please I don't want anyone sitting thinking my gosh what a selfish girl....we are all so lucky....yes yes I know that....believe me I know....my cousin right now is in Kenya and every blog I read of her's confirms the fact that all of us living in the Western part of the world are sooo lucky, we have NO idea what their life is like......I have clients that are living nightmares right now...they have either lost a loved one due to a tragic unexpected accident or they are dealing with a terminal illnesses within their families....so don't get me wrong, I know that my life's issues are very very trivial comparatively speaking......

But well this is my pity party and I am going to write about how I truly am feeling..........I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs....I feel like having a full out, stomping my feet, crying like a two year old temper tantrum!

I am not looking for anyone's sympathy right now....that is the last thing I want, but at this moment in time, I am having minutes in my day that I am just not very thankful.....I'm pissed......I'm annoyed and I am tired!

I don't feel like being nice 24-7...when every single day I reiterate our story...of waiting....and how "everything is just hunky dorey".....saying and trying to believe that everything is going to work out, using this chipper, trying to be positive high pitched voice that I don't even recognize....yes this Thanksgiving I am finding it tough......

And then after all these negative thoughts.....that little white figure on my left shoulder gives me a nudge and I remember.........I am so lucky.....I have things that lots of people will never have.......not monetary things...things like a wonderful husband.....not every gets to spend everyday with their best friend....an amazing family...immediate and extended....my parents, brother, in laws, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins....everyone is always there for us....loving and supporting us whenever, wherever.....friends and coworkers...clients....the support we receive on a daily bases is unreal......yes I have tons to be thankful for....

But most of all I have this thing called Faith and a trust in God....that just keeps pulling me back....bringing my up from the darkest spots, making me believe that all of this is going to work out.....all of these little moments of sadness, frustration, fear and anger are all going to be worth it...they will all be a distant memory someday!
One day I will actually think that it has all been worth it....that we made all the right decisions because it ended well.....yes the thing I am most thankful for this year is the fact that God has given me enough strength to still have faith that this is all going to work out!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

WTF!!!!

excuse my language....especially to my Mom and MIL....but seriously that is all I have right now....straight profanity....WTH, WTF....ahhhhghghggh, I could just scream at the top of my lungs...actually funny enough I am so passed crying this week...all I can do right now is sit and slam the keys on this desktop in furry.....



tonight when i finally finished my gruelling day....I got an email....that was entitled IMPORTANT!!! from this stylist that just started with us this Monday.........my immediate thought was UH-OH....but I said to myself man Michelle, what is with all this negative thinking this week...stop it........so I opened up the email and started to read the message.........it started out with I need to talk to you in private ASAP...I have some unfortunate news...........ummmhmmmm as I sat there trying to induce some positive zen like thoughts...I knew this was not going to be good!!!

so I picked us the phone and dialed her number.........ahhh you think I am going to let this go until tomorrow you are crazy...that is one thing about me I will not put off until tomorrow..I need to know and deal with things as soon as they happen!!



Well you got it.....turns out my new stylist was offered a position at a office store in town and has decided to accept this position.....so she is finished....ha like as of right now.......#$&%.........it is just so disappointing....I really thought she had so much talent and potential....and we really needed her....considering my most senior stylist is away due to some complications with her pregnancy....damn.....I know we all have to do what is right for us and for our lives...it just really really sucks.........



So I know....everything happens for a reason, everything will turn out.........yes yes yes you all have been telling me that all year..........but seriously those popular cliche's are not helping right now.........I want to have a temper tantrum, I don't want to be mature right now...........after all the shit that has gone on this week...I seriously want to crawl into a ball and hide for about 5 days..........oh but wait I can't do that because I have to work to cover all the new time slots we had opened up for this girl...yeah there will be no time for a pity party.....because I will be at work......so just as a little warning....if there is anything that I am committed to doing in the near future....well I may not be there...I apologize in advance........ughghg

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

"Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
-Dr. Seuss

feeling much better.....

This is an email I received from the co founder of CanadaAdopts this morning....in regards to his Congratulatory email he sent Terry and myself on Monday night after the article in the Globe....of course my response to him was not as upbeat....this email has made me feel sooooo much better about everything.....I need to stop with the negative feelings...yes some of it was not written the way we see things...but it is getting the word out(is it ever)....and what more can we ask for.....our lawyer in Kitchener said network until you almost feel nauseous.....well we can take that off the to do list.....nauseousness------check!!!

Hi Michelle and Terry,

Thanks for getting back to me. And I know what you mean about having mixed feelings about the story. It never turns out the way you imagined it would. Little things get blown out of proportion and the stuff you want to emphasize takes a back seat. If only we could write the articles ourselves!
I wish they could have had a bit more information about our website, too! But I understand what the appeal of YouTube is. People know it, they don't know our website. And there's a perception that YouTube is a place to post silly videos and tv clips, so what are waiting couples doing on it?!
It was the same story back in 2001 when we launched our site: The internet is a great place to buy CDs and books, so what are waiting couples doing on it? But I think that by now the answer is self-explanatory.
So let's hope the added exposure does the trick. I know how hard it must be to give up your privacy and have everyone know about your adoption journey, but hopefully one day all of your networking efforts will pay off.

But I also think there's another more intangible benefit to it: it will help you to start thinking like an adoptive parent. There's a huge emotional and psychological learning curve involved in adoption, and this is one way to prepare you for some of the challenges that lie ahead. It's also a way to connect with larger community out there.

Sorry to hear the Tennessee lead didn't pan out, but it's good that you ran it by your social worker. Hopefully the next lead will be the one you're looking for!

Lawrence

Monday, October 5, 2009

ahhh.....finally we are alone!!!

Okay so it you are here reading these words on this screen, that means I invited you!!! Thanks for wanting to share this "adventure" with me.....and an adventure it has been!!

I really am not sure why all of a sudden I just felt that I couldn't write to just anyone anymore....but it was just getting to be TOO much....I was constantly worried about what people were saying and thinking about the choices I had made....and that is just crazy....so here we are....privatized...:)

I do have tons to write but not tons of time.......the first thing on the agenda is the fact that we were in a national newspaper today....and I feel actually sick, and nauseous about it!!!

When we were approached about doing the phone interview we thought it would be a great idea....maybe a bit of exposure and we would be able to explain our reason for doing a slideshow....well I am not sure if we were speaking a different language or what but I think something got lost in translation, with our new friend Wency...the author of this little piece.....no where does it say...this is not a "youtube" thing(my exact words I believe)....this is a profile/slideshow that is posted on a website called CanadaAdopts....where successful matches are done, where expectant mothers/fathers/grandmothers/friends go when they are thinking about adoption....this is where hopeful adoptive couples go to network with each other and give each other support!!!!

Aghhhh I am so frustrated....I know that I shouldn't be so concerned about what others think but this article makes it seem like we put a movie together with our best pics hoping someone would see it and like us, think we are pretty enough to parent their child.....like some sort of reality show or something....man it really pisses me off!!!

Some of the comments are not good that are following the article on-line.....people are just not understanding what adoption is about or what we were trying to achieve by doing this....I get that some people are going to disagree with us....they are not going to feel that it is appropriate to do a slideshow or anything on the Internet....I know that and that is okay....but some of these people are vicious.......

The absolute worst thing though is.....I went and picked up a hard copy.....like an actual paper this afternoon....yes the kind that you buy in every grocery store and corner variety store in the city....and you can imagine my gut wrenching sicking feeling I had in my stomach when I saw my face and the face or our good friends daughter on the cover........ugggggg honestly NEVER ever would we have "okay'd" putting a pic of anyone but ourselves in this paper.....man what were we thinking.....I just can't believe how naive we were.....
We have talked to our friends and they are super supportive and understanding but truly what else could they say the damage is done....if we had been asked that would never have happened...never.....I feel just awful about it! This should not have involved anyone else...now their are no names mentioned besides ours but still......

I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and see a new paper at the newsstand and my mug shot not be on the cover......
ahhhh thanks for listening.........
I don't know what all of this is going to lead too....as I said to Terry this afternoon...this is either going to really really help us or its really going to be bad???????????????????????? who knows....I guess this is one of those times you made a choice and now you live with it!!!!

m

Saturday, October 3, 2009

it's time!

So this whole bloggy blog blog thing has been swell but.....it's time....I have been thinking about this for some time now, and finally have reached a point where I have been stumped as to what to write because of some privacy-comfort levels.....

Its funny really.....pictures, my name, my phone number is now plastered all over youtube due to our new CanadaAdopts slideshow and all of a sudden, I feel some great desire to make my blog private...go figure....a womens mind is a very very complex thing....lol

I am going to go private next week so if you are interested in following me leave your email in the comment section and I will pass on the password to you.....I love all the people that I have met through this blog and I so appreciate your support....it's amazing...all of the good stuff I want to continue, I am just finding it harder and harder to really be honest.

You never know I might "can" this idea in a few weeks.....haha the forever changing hormonal woman!!!

m

Friday, October 2, 2009

crazy...crazy times!

ahhhhggghhhhhghghghg.....that's all I have for you right now......life is crazy.....I am up and down and very overwhelmed...so much has been happening, but not anything to write about........hopefully I will be in a better state of mind this weekend to give you all a full update...........for everyone that is supporting me through all of this sh** THANKS, I couldn't do it without you!!! :)

m
xoxo

Sunday, September 27, 2009

morning sickness...

Irritating........

sorry to sound so annoyed and disgusted but seriously this weekend has sucked...well in some ways....now that I sit and think about it so many things have been going on this weekend, I don't even know how to keep it all straight....but first things first!!!!

I don't think that I have ever mentioned this on my blog...but I guess I will now because I am so annoyed......just to start this all off...this is not something that is crazy serious...no need for anyone to get all bent out of shape over.... but I have a benign tumor on my pituitary gland...that I have had since I was 18 years old...yes it has caused me many years of headaches...blood tests... and strange long black hairs growing in some very obscure places...lol seriously this thing is crazy.....
Anyways I was diagnosed many many years ago and the tumor is treated with a medication that I take daily to keep the size down so it will not cause any other damage to my optic nerve..if I didn't take the proper amount of meds daily it would grow very rapidly and could cause some very serious damage...i.e. blindness......however it has been years since I have had an issue with it!

Well that all changed 3 days ago........ughghghguuug.....I couldn't believe me ears.....my receptionist Dorothy came to me on Thurs with the portable phone in hand and said "M Dr Van Umm is on the phone"....now in my head I was thinking oh come on, I don't have time for this today it is just his office...they must have to change my appt.....but something in her eyes said I needed to take this call.........well to my surprise the reply I got to my Hello was a thick dutch male accent saying "Hello Meeechelle...I am so sorry to bother you at work I know you are busy".......boy did that get my attention.........it was actually him....Stan...Dr Van Umm..... he never calls me..............anyways long story short my levels are up...which means there is a threat of growth...which means....well serious business...........

So for the last 3 days and for the next 2 weeks until I can get blood tests again I have to double up on my medication.........one dose at breakfast, one dose at bedtime........uggggghhhh....what I haven't told you is that this stuff makes me throw up.........I have a 3 hr window....meaning if I take my meds at 10pm I hope and pray I don't wake up for a pee break until 1:15am at the earliest........if I do wake up before then, I am definitely paying a visit to the white porcelain toilet........this shit makes me soooo ill....nauseaus.......YUCK.......
So you can imagine what my days have been like when I have been having to take this medication with my breakfast.....yes you can do the math....that 3 hour window....is actually spent driving to work and oh yeah WORKING...........it has been heck.....I have never felt so ill....its not right....I am trying so hard to not let anyone know that this is going on, but man I think they might grab a clue when they assess their haircut.........yikes....lol....I don't think it is that bad but really........this kind of feels like morning sickness with NO reward at the end.......hmmphhhhmm....so I am choosing to think of this as just that....morning sickness....with a reward that we are just not aware of yet.....:)

let's hope because that is the only thing getting my through this..........I don't like to complain but if I was you I would NOT try to contact me anytime between 8am to 12pm for the next couple of weeks...because my patience level is not at it's best..........lol
m :)

Thursday, September 24, 2009

network expansion.......

So in the past few months T and I have been expanding out network....we met with a new adoption practitioner in early August and he suggested that we really needed put ourselves out there a bit more!

I have to say it is not the most comfortable thing for us to do.....I actually have found it interesting how many people didn't realize our adoption hopes.....it honestly feels like I talk about it all the time...I usually think people are just sick of hearing about it....but as I have found out their are a lot of people that were not aware!



So a few of the things we have done are....a facebook page(social media), meet with a new lawyer in a different city(loved him...he is so nice, has adopted 2 children himself and just happens to be the head of the Adoption Council of Canada), registered with an adoption agency....and finally we have registered with a website CanadaAdopts and they have posted our profile and made a slideshow for us.....so I really think at this point we have done about all we can.....here is the link to our profile page at CanadaAdopts....tell me what you think???

m :)

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

choices.....

Today I had a very interesting conversation with my Mom. I was in the middle of doing her hair and we started discussing a very sad and tragic event that has happened in our community this past weekend. A young life was taken....due to an unfortunate accident....such a sad sad thing.

We started discussing something that I know rings in everyone's ears when these things happen....."how could God let this happen"...now I know my Mom gets asked this all the time...believe me I challenge her lot myself, about the fact that cancer is taking so many that we love....tragic accidents...horrific natural disasters.....how can God let this happen...I have asked numerous times.....and I always feel so comforted and calm once I hear her reply....

She always states that this is what SHE believes....no contrary to popular belief she does NOT have a direct line up to heaven....she can't just give him a ring and ask him....although that would really help alot of us out...could you maybe look into that MOM???
Seriously though she believes that God doesn't do these things to us, he doesn't make these terrible, sad things happen.....God has given us this wonderful life to live....he has given us this bountiful planet to discover and do with what we want....he lets us make choices.....every single second he has given us the option to do so many wonderful things.....however, sometimes we make choices that are not good for us.....obviously not all of our bad choices end up with terrible consequences but some of them do....as a whole....we have not treated our planet with as much care as we should have, some of us have decided to eat or drink things that are not good for our bodies..which in turn make us sick....we might make a choice in one instant that can change the rest of our lives.....God does not do this....he try's to guide us in the right direction but he does not make that final choice...that is what he has given us...

So when tragic things happen, God feels our pain right along with us...and thankfully he is always there to help us through it, he is the one that gives us the strength to carry on....I can't even imagine going through my life without that faith, without that belief that no matter what happens in my life good and bad, he will be there to help me through it....

thanks MOM!!!

Friday, September 18, 2009

carrying on.......

Today my cell phone rang at about 2 in the afternoon.....now my cell phone NEVER rings...I at first was annoyed because I have a "turn off all cellular devices rule" in the salon...so the ringing irritated me at first and then I realized it was my phone ringing...of course I was thinking well who would that be...no calls me...actually I think only 2 people even know the number T and my girlfriend J....she and I had just spent 2 hours together, while I did her hair this morning and T would never call on my cell...... then I started to get this weird feeling in my stomach....it really is funny how someones mind can take you on a total tangent....

I immediately asked R to bring the phone so I could see who it was......and sadly it was my Dr office....confirming my Monday afternoon appt.....

I HATE this.....I can't believe that I actually had a scenario conjured up in my head....I actually had myself believing that it was the adoption lawyer that we met with a few weeks ago..at that moment he was the only other person I could think of that had that number, of course I had just given it to him....now obviously other people have my cell number...or hello why would I not just think "telemarketers".......ughhhh so stupid...clearly I had myself thinking that something would happen quickly with this guy....at least something....some sort of action....

Today has been one of those days.....yes I have been filling every single minute that I have with anything that will get my mind off this situation...but today from the minute I woke up, there have been little reminders....things that have flashed into my mind that take me right back to the place deep in my soul that I try to keep hidden from everyone... most of all me!
Tonight I am truly wondering how much longer I can do this.....I can't stomach hearing "think positive" one more time....or oh "everything is falling into place just perfectly"(funny you said that last year at this time when everything was falling into place just perfectly)....I know this sounds bitter and sad.....I know that I sound like that person I DID NOT want to sound like last year.....

I still have faith...I truly do...I have faith that this is all happening for a reason....and I know that we will get through this..... I also know that most people don't know how we are feeling or what we are going through....they often do or say the wrong thing....but I also know they mean the best and just care about us.
So today will pass and as always I will wake up with a renewed sense of strength and will carry on....with faith......

m :)