Monday, December 27, 2010
"The darkest night is often the bridge to the brightest tomorrow."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Sunday, December 26, 2010
The best part of all of this is it wasn't a chore.....I feel like we have had a great Christmas...celebrating what is truly important.....not dwelling on the sad or the negative or what we wish we had, but being truly thankful and grateful for what we do have.....the amazing family and friends that support us through all of our trials and tribulations....all of our ups and downs.....they celebrate with us when something positive happens and console us when we have a down moment....this is what we celebrated this Christmas Season.....
For me this Christmas was a success....I made it through! I can't end this without saying that I hope and pray next Christmas will be different...I hope that we can feel the joy of having a baby join our family.....but one never knows....as long as we have each other I know we will be OK!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
What I found out yesterday was that "N" (if you are just tuning in to this blog "N" is the woman that we were matched with this summer....the woman that we came to trust and get to know...the woman that changed her mind....the woman that truly didn't know any other way of doing what she did)...we have always been OK with what happened this summer, truly believing that she knew no other way.....that things turn out as they should...even though our hearts where broken we really did see her side of things! In saying that though I always hoped and prayed for her, that things turned out as she hoped....that her partner would stick around...that her other children would love him and he them.....I hoped for her that all her dreams for the future for her family would come true.
Last night I found out that so far so good....it looks like things are going so well for her...it seems that that family unit she was so wanting more then anything else in the world has finally happened.....her sweet little baby is of course gorgeous...adorable....but from the minute I saw him, I knew that he was not to be our child....that child is absolutely where he should be......with both of his parents....with his brothers....the love that he has surrounding him right now is amazing.....it became very clear to me that what happened was what was supposed to happen in this situation.....
This whole experience made me feel a huge sense of closure......even though I held no anger towards "N", I always wondered...and now I know....she is happy and so is that sweet little boy!!! I now can truly close the book on that chapter in our lives....with a smile...I may never understand why we had to have this lesson in our lives, but we are stronger and richer in spirit because of it...for that I am grateful! I am also very grateful for the brief moment I had last night...that what was meant to be was exactly what happened!!!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
I said to T last night that I feel like I am on my hands and knees slowly inching my way to the 2010 finish line...not quite sure if have the energy to get there....I know slowly but surely I will...with the token smile on my face.......but inside I am feeling very broken....very tired....and very very ready for this year to be over. All of you know about our failed match this summer...what you don't know is all the other small rough patches that have occurred this year...things that I won't discuss on this blog because they affect other people but non the less these things have all contributed to a very very hard past 6 months....and I am exhausted!
I have no idea what next year will bring.....I won't say "2011 is our year, I can feel it" and I truly hope no one says that to us, because quite honestly...you said that last year and the year before that.....yes this has been a rough patch as my Dad said to me a few short months ago....yes rough it has been....thankfully I can still see the positives...all the wonderful exciting things that have happened for us this year and for all of those things and people in my life I am truly truly thankful.....this is what will get me through this Season.....knowing that no matter what.....I have many things to smile about!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
It has been awhile....I believe it has been months since I last blogged....I guess I could tell you that I needed time to heal....time to reflect on what happened this summer and move on.......but the truth is, what happened this summer still confuses me......not the fact that "N" is the mother to her beautiful baby boy...not the fact that she "changed her mind"....no surprisingly that doesn't confuse me at all....what confuses me is all the other events that surrounded that one particular chapter in our life.....the missed opportunities, the other couples that had different outcomes, the sadness that is still running so deep in both of our hearts......the unknown, this is what confuses me.
There truthfully is not a day that goes by that I don't get a pit so big in the depths of my stomach. It happens at different times every day....and there is never just one thing that spurs it on..........I can be driving to work and see a lady skipping with her 5 year old to catch the bus....or a client that comes in and proudly shows me the pictures of her new grand baby.....or the worst when I look at "T" and he is quickly grabbing the remote so we don't have to endure the new sweet "we are expecting" commercial one more time....whatever it is, it always catches me, and I just have to take the time to try and process that I don't have any control of this situation....I can't make things happen just because I want to....I will probably never understand why things played out the way the did....I just hope that someday all of the heartbreak for both of us will be worth it.........
And so we begin another chapter, time to turn the page......what these next few pages will bring I guess one never knows......
Sunday, September 19, 2010
We are fine, we really are. We are very much okay with how everything turned out with our failed match..that is not a problem. We have absolutely no anger or nasty feelings toward N or B...we both truly feel that this is the only way they knew how to handle the situation and truly hope that everything works out for them and those wonderful children...actually I wish I could communicate with N and tell her that.......
I would love to sit here and tell you how great life was, because really it is totally awesome....we are building a new house, our businesses are booming...we, (I think anyways) are better together everyday..and the first day was pretty great so everyday after that is just a huge bonus....life is good....but I do think for both of us something is still missing.....for me, I want to be a Mom...but more importantly I want "T" to be a Dad...because he would be the best....seriously, I think it is actually an injustice to the world if he isn't........I can see why they might pass me by, but "T" come on...you have to let a wonderful little being spend his or her life with him...learn from him, see how he handles things...feel and experience his love...his knowledge...his everything....
I don't know how this is all going to turn out, I do know that in the next few weeks we will have to make some decisions.....we have always said that at the 2 year mark we will have to sit down and figure this out....limbo land is not one that is fun to be in........so will we keep on, or will we move on..........I just don't know?
Friday, August 6, 2010
From having to hear about how easy it was for their friends daughter to adopt children, oh and we can't forget how they know someone that waited a year and now has a beautiful baby boy.... to how they know someone that lives in a neighbouring town that just adopted last month.....HELLO people I know these people....and I know it was not easy for them not at all,... but how is telling me that they are at home happy with their children making me feel any better right now...........I'm really sorry but its not, not one bit!
I feel sick to my stomach that I feel like this still......I want to be excited about our house that we are building, I want to be passionate about my work again.....I want to jump out of bed at 6am and tumble down the stairs for my early morning workout like I have for the past 12 years of my life........but I just don't have it right now........something is missing.........is this normal.... I don't know?.......I don't know anyone that has had this happen..........I feel confused I am not sure what I am supposed to feel...sometimes I feel like I should "get over it"...this was never "ours" to miss...and then the next minute I think NO, you had someone let you believe for almost 3 months that your life was going to change, that all your dreams were going to come true..and that was swiftly taken from you in one minute........you have every right to be sad or mad or whatever...........I don't know...I just don't know.........
Hopefully things will start looking a bit brighter soon...
Monday, July 19, 2010
Well last week I think I did a pretty good job at pretending that was what was happening.....now 7 days later I know that this is not the case. In this situation, it is hard to know what is an appropriate feeling.....we know that we are sad....and disappointed....we are not mad, but then sometimes I am and feel guilty....I am envious of others that have had an easy go...and I know that that is terrible and not right....and not me.......I know that my heart feels broken....mostly when I look at T and see his "sad eyes"...........we are not this couple, we are positive people....happy...caring.......we are not broken down people.....so this is why we are finding this very difficult.
Of course everyone says nice things...."oh better things will come", "one door closed another opens"...and I know logically all of this is true....but I think right now we will just have to let ourselves feel all that we have to.....hopefully soon, we will be able to dust ourselves off and contemplate doing this all over again....because right now this is not the case.
I really appreciate all the comments and emails that I have been getting from all of you....you are all so so sweet....however, I know how this post sounds...yes I am having a down day..a day that I feel life isn't fair....and I know that some that read this blog will look, read this and take it all the wrong way....so feel free to do so...but I am removing the comments to this post...because quite frankly I just don't need to hear what you think of me right now.....so this time you can read, think what you want, and carry on....
Friday, July 16, 2010
That is how this feels........I feel like someone just slammed the brakes.... on our life.......like a person just stepped out in front of me that I didn't see coming.... and he is holding a sign saying "sorry Miss you actually have to turn around....I'm sorry I startled you but you are not allowed to use this road anymore you must do a u-turn and head back to where you just came from."
I know this is a very "simple" explanation but this is truly how I am feeling right now.....my head knew that I shouldn't count on anything until it happened...I didn't buy anything, I didn't let myself envision a life with a child in it to much, but it was really hard not to....so now we must refocus......regroup....smile and carry on.
My life is a very public one in the town where I work....as one of my good friends said last night "M" you are like the Angelina Jolie of Exeter....hahahah now that is a huge stretch she wasn't meaning her looks (I wish) it was the fact that everyone and I mean everyone seems to be very interested in my life.........ughghghg people I don't even know are calling other people I do know asking about what has happened....Oh boy.....now I have dealt with things like this in the past.....and the great thing about it is the support I get....seriously it is unreal.....people are so kind and caring....on the flip side, it makes this whole situation DRAG on....I am only on day 3 of talking about this at work...and remember in the salon we are on a 6 week rotation......my oh my I have a few more days of rehashing.....so this I am finding a bit exhausting....but what I keep reminding myself is it is only because people are trying to support me, and truthfully people can't help themselves, they love a good juicy story...... they are all a bit nosey....lol lol....life of a small town girl!
I can't help but feel like I have just stepped off the set of a soap opera....when I am explaining our story to people I think... oh my.... I can't believe how that just sounded.....my life is fairly boring, uneventful.....but this sure did spice things up for a bit.....geesh.....so now, what to do....I guess it is back to hairspray and makeup and picking out cupboards and hardwood floors for our new home.....and yes you are so right..... as I know what you are all thinking, I am very lucky and have not one thing to complain about.....my life is good!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
This is a blog I hoped I would never have to write. As I am typing my heart is sad and my head is very disappointed. As you can tell by now our matched has not worked out. "N" has decided to parent her baby. Yes we are very sad but as I have always said we can absolutely understand why. This baby will have just as much love in her home as it would in ours... for that we find comfort.
What has disappointed us is the fact that someone we had come to trust has not even informed us that she has given birth yet. For some reason unknown to us "N" it seems has fallen off the face of the earth, or so she would like us to believe.......thankfully our SW has some connections that were kind enough to inform us that "N" had her baby late Sat night and went home on Sunday....she told the hospital that she had considered adoption early on, but changed her mind a few months ago....which is all very interesting because it was a few months ago that she contacted us. We are not angry, we are not mad.... we are just confused as to why in this day and age with all the technology in this world...email, answering machines....social workers at your doorstep why you couldn't just tell us earlier and not let us think something so positively for so long.
We have to believe that she knew no other way to handle it, she felt this was all she could do. I pray that she as well as "T" and I can find peace with that.
There really isn't much more to say.....we will now regroup, try and find the lessons in all of this and move on. I do know for sure that in the end it will all make sense.
Monday, July 5, 2010
So we will continue to wait....things should happen soon....but you never know....one thing I have learned in this past year is, this is so worth waiting for and if T and I are meant to be parents our special baby will come when the timing is just perfectly right!!
"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day."
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
and I am sure it is due to all of the amazing support we have in our lives........the prayers, the positive thinking...all of it....thank-you!
Friday, June 18, 2010
It is funny really, I think I have thought about every possible outcome.......I have got my response down pat for my clients and friends if things don't work out.......I feel prepared for whatever happens....I have had a day of anxious tears......I have had a day of gleeful anticipation and I have many days somewhere in the middle....I feel prepared to deal with whatever happens.
What I am not prepared for is what this will do to "T".........he is such a positive thinker...THANK GOODNESS....he is what gets me through those times I should be stuffed into a straight jacket and rolled away to a room with padded walls....he keeps me going......
Tonight T said to me..."guess what happened to me today....2 different guys said Happy Fathers Day to me on the phone....that has never happened before"........my heart did a huge flip flop....first thinking is this a sign.....will this really happen......and then I thought "oh please let this be... for him.......he is the best, kindest, most honest, he is one of those really, truly good people ...forget all the mistakes I have made and give this gift to him.".....he deserves to be a Dad...he will be the best Dad there ever was.......
Now I know what is meant to be will be........and I am truly hoping and praying and thinking positive about it all.......and I know that we will get through whatever is to happen......
All we want is the best possible life for this sweet child.......whatever, wherever that shall be!
thanks again for all your prayers and finger crossing!
Monday, June 14, 2010
sorry for all the feel good motivational posts, but it is the only thing getting me through right now....this wait is harder than I ever thought it would be...some interesting twists and turns have developed....our "story" is not an easy one to tell.......we are trying to stay positive.....due date is June 20th...hopefully by then we will have some answers......thanks to you all for your kind words, prayers and listening ears!!
Focus on the god who makes the impossible possible" .
Sunday, June 13, 2010
by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And then God so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As God replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though often My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
We are totally in limbo land right now..........we have been matched, things seem very positive....but one never knows....every time I get butterflies in my stomach at the prospect of finally having our dreams come true....I am overwhelmed with emotion when I think of the woman that I have come to know and the decision that she is faced with at this time....my eyes fill with tears and my excitement quickly diminishes and my thoughts are only with her and what she faces at this time!
We continue to be cautiously optimistic........and are trying to keep our faith in check....what we know for sure is.......we want this special baby to have the most perfect life...whether that is with this special woman that we have come to know or with T and I.....we pray for the best, for this child...if you have time can you pray for the same!
Monday, May 17, 2010
1) I am superstitious...never thought I was, like seriously I have let black cats go out in front of me my whole life...haha I am so scared of cats... whatever the colour I let them do whatever they want because, I hightail it out of there like nobodies business....mirrors....are you kidding me I am so clumsy I have broken tons of mirrors and never thought about the 7 year crisis....
I would love to tell everyone our "news" like every stinking detail...but something holds me back...I don't want to jinx anything~~
2) I am a total control freak....and this I can not control....hence another list...my last 2 post have contained "lists" :)
3) a bag of chips really does make me feel better!
4) with a big glass of red wine.....even better!
5) even though I am 35 years of age....I am still a zitty mess when I am stressed out!!
6) when I am super stressed I just add more jobs to my "list"....like building a house....offering more and more services at my salon....you know, just little stuff.....hehe
7) shopping makes me feel good too....window shopping, internet shopping, really any kind of shopping
8) I have the BEST family..... moms, dads, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews and cousins in the whole wide world!(oh grandparents too)...:)
9) I have the BEST friends....ones I have known my whole life, ones I have known for a short time, ones I have met through work, through the adoption networks, bloggy friends wherever....you keep me laughing, you keep me positive.....awesome!
10) and most importantly.....my husband.....I've said it before and I will say it again......you ROCK!!
okay sorry but that is it.....everything is going well.....keep all fingers and toes crossed....
Monday, May 10, 2010
"To all the mom’s out there, you deserve love and respect today but respectfully, this is my blog and I want to use today’s entry to acknowledge my fellow fertility-challenged friends. So to them, I want to directly say the following:
1-You are brave and for that, you have my utmost respect.
2-Eat chocolate, ice cream, or have a margarita whenever you need one.
3-Don’t ever, not for one second, lose your sense of humor.
4-Don’t ever, not for one second, lose hope.
5-Don’t ever, not for one second, watch the show “19 and Counting” on TLC. It’ll just piss you off.
6-Never apologize or feel bad for day dreaming about punching someone in their face.
7-You’re not alone. There are countless out there like us.
8-If you want to be a mother, it may not happen in the way you imagined, but you will find a way to make it happen somehow.
9-I urge you to tell any of your friends or family who just gave birth all about the nap you took for no reason.
10-Don’t let this define who you are as a person or a woman.
11-Ignore the annoying people… even though there is JUST SO MANY OF THEM.
12- Never forget, we are not failures. We’ve done nothing wrong and we’ve done nothing to deserve this.
To all my non-mothers out there, from the bottom of my heart, I’m wishing you a happy May 9th. You are my people and I salute you.
Now let’s all go out, eat some sushi, drink some wine and a big cup of coffee, and then put on a bikini, get in a hot tub and enjoy the quiet and freedom! Happy Non-Mother’s Day!"
One day late.......but honestly yesterday this post would not have been this entertaining!
thank-you for this....(http://the2weekwait.blogspot.com/)
Sunday, May 2, 2010
"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day."
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Fast forward just 7 short days and guess what..........I am eating crow again........it is funny really...this happens to me ALL the time.........I say things with so much passion and then I end up doing them.....it has happened many times.....I won't get in to any details but trust me it is laughable.........
So our friends were visiting on Sat night and M just happens to be the brainchild of this certain subdivision that we are now very interested in moving too....he bought the land, developed it and as luck would have it is now the realtor selling all the lots.......of course on Sat night we all started discussing our thoughts about moving and one thing led to another and low and behold we found ourselves in this small town Sunday afternoon.....getting the tour...the lay of the land...the potential homes that we could live in and the lots that we could buy.............
And that is were a funny story could end.........but this one gets even funnier..........there were always a few things that made this town desirable....I pushed them aside because I thought city life outweighed these things...but you be the judge, here they are.....my drive would be cut in half....10 mins would be added to Terry's drive though so that just cancels itself out....our friends live there and we spend a ton of time with them.....we would be closer to my friends and family.....and the biggest most recent development is that my brother and his girlfriend are going to be moving there too, so that would be kind of fun to live in the same town as them.....so there are definitely some pros to living there....but never did I think I would be living in
But as M was showing us the type of home we could build there for the $$$$ comparing that same home in the city.......well major major difference......and then we started thinking a bit more seriously....looking at the lots that were still available..........so we started to drive down a long dusty....construction packed street and I said now M which lot have my brother and Amanda picked out.........oh this one here....ok and which lots are still available.....well the one right next and the 2 lots 2 down from him.............hmmmm okay.......at first I thought my gosh there is no way my brother and I are going to want to live beside each other...that would be too weird...so okay we will grab the one at the end of the street.......but oh hmmmm there are some things we really like about the lot right beside his.........geesh........so I quickly text my bro......"how would you like to live beside your sister".......and his reply "cool that would be great"....always the cute little brother...I asked him to really chat with his girlfriend about it and really talk about it and get back to me later........
As we started thinking about it more we realized, living 2 houses away or right beside is really not that different, if anything if we are right beside we will always know our neighbour....(the other side of us is a dead end).....so that would be it, farmland behind us, brother and I'm sure soon to be sister in-law***hehe....beside us....good friends a block away.....what could be better!!!
So this is what we are thinking..........nothing is set in stone yet but hopefully by weeks end we will have made a decision....and funny enough my brother and girlfiend are actually excited to be neighbours..crazy...... I can't even believe it.........too funny who knew that my brother and I would be living side by side in #U*A%!!!!!!!!
Monday, April 5, 2010
I am telling you the more times I hang out with my parents the more concerned I am getting about my own sort of nonexistant...quiet...bordering on non existent social life!!!! lol
Here's the story, my parents have this ability to make friends wherever they happen to be.........and they are the ultimate host's.......always inviting people to their home....it is the continuous drop off spot for many people....young, old, male, female, dog, cat, relative or neighbour, friend or foe ........their door seems to be always swinging...there are always people at my parents home!
Now they will disagree.....I can just see my Mom right now saying.....well it's not usually like that...we have many quiet nights.....or this is the first time in our lives that we have had so many people stopping around...so many social engagements.....I don't know about this....because this social scene seems to be VERY very regular!!! lol
Take for instance the last 4 visits that I have paid my parents..........all different days of the week...all different situations and they all ended up with Michelle staying up way way too late and waking up way way too early......too much fun for their 30 something year old daughter........they are conditioned... my parents....yes just starting into their 6th decade, they are as spry as ever....the always incredible hosts, to an array of differing people.......drinks and food, great conversations...laughs and jokes...always ending in hugs and kisses and promises to be back soon.......and then don't be fooled, don't even think that there would be any lagging the next day....no siree....up and at it at 4:30am my Dad is and might I mention not the quietest man in the world..... so in the end his light sleeping daughter is usually awake as well.......
So all and all these visits always end with fun had by all....but man I need to come back to our boring abode just to catch up on some zzzz's....and get ready for whatever the next visit may hold........or I guess I could look at it like this....if I continue to have lots of visits, just think.... I should be just up to snuff by the time I reach my 6th decade and I can carry on the party time traditions.........hmmmm not sure what "T" will think of that!!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
One of my co-workers always talks about the mirrored jacket that we have to put on every time we go out to "face" a stressful client.....the mirrors of course are for reflection....yes whenever they start being downers, or cranky complainers about really silly stuff....we have to let it bounce of us.....let the mirrors catch it and then it will reflect right back on them....and won't get into our head space.....because geez they can bring you down!
So yesterday during her long winded speech to me about her hair and how it was so fine and limp and the color just wasn't right and oh her wrinkles and she wants to look like Sandra Bullock and how her husband is grumpy and her son is being a rebel in school and oh I almost forgot how awful her 2 months in the Caribbean where this year and how she wrecked her prada purse.........pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaasssssssssseeeeeeeeee women......in my opinion this women is clearly very unhappy.....on the outside it is easy to feel angry because to most of us her life looks pretty darn good.....but obviously there is something very sad inside of her because all the things she was talking about yesterday really are not that tragic....seriously she was driving me crazy everything was my or someone elses fault.....lady come on you are 55 and thanks to your worshiping of the sun for 50 of your years you do indeed I agree, have a bad case of wrinkles...I am never ever, let me repeat ever going to be able to make you look like Sandra Bullock....be my guest if you can find someone that can.....I will actually pay for that visit!!!
So as I took off my mirrored jacket after she left, I let out a deep sigh....almost a release of her attitude and carried on with my day........ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....I don't think I actually made much of a difference for her....but seriously I am not sure that anyone could.........hmmm I guess a challenge for her next visit.....funny thing is after all her complaining about how I possibly might not be doing things right....she has booked another appt........ahhh we will give it one more try.....lol
Sunday, March 28, 2010
After 17 years in this business, it still surprises me when a client says something like this to me, I tend to forget that sometimes my job has nothing to do with hair and the way people look...it has way more to do with how people feel! I forget that sometimes, I am the only person some of my clients have....the only person they can bounce ideas off of, the only person that will cry with them when they have suffered a terrible lose....the only person that will listen to them without judgement...the only person that will cheer them on, laugh at their life with them...the only person that they have!
This comment has got me thinking, it has made me think about my journey, my life thus far..........it really is funny that when you take a step back and think about your life the stuff you remember at first is the stuff you would rather forget......yes I have made some pretty major mistakes...I guess we all have....however the lessons I have learned from these mistakes I would never give back...they have been invaluable......they have made me stronger and smarter.........they have helped shape my life.
This comment from my client though has started to make me think about what kind of difference can I make....I know I could definitely be doing more, we all could I suppose. When you take a step back and for once not have all your own little problems at the forefront of your mind and look at the big picture....what else could I be doing!
I love my job for this type of thing....everyday I am left astonished by the lives of others...some are such wonderful stories that sometimes seem unreal, like a fairytale...others though, are so painful and tragic....they certainly put everything into perspective when thinking about your own life! But when someone comes in and thanks me for what I have done for them, I just have to wonder...am I doing the best I can for everyone!
Am I certain that I don't let my concerns and emotions cloud my day when talking to my clients....because that one day may be the day they really need me.....that one day that I am feeling down may be the one day they need me to be up and positive! I am so glad my client told me this for many reasons....one just because any compliment makes you feel great and certainly boost's your spirits....but more importantly it reminded me that I need to remember my job has less to do with hair and makeup and more to do with the important stuff on the inside!!
I guess we all should take a step back every once in awhile and ask ourselves what are we doing for others....are we making a positive impact, at the end of our journey are we going to be happy with what we have accomplised....and not just by the things we have but by the difference we have made!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
This whole brain thing can really be a problem sometimes for me........the thoughts that run through my head in a day is almost unbelievable....the scenario's, situations and hypothetical places I can have us heading is crazy!
This past week though for some reason has been much more intense than some.......I have been up and down....and round and around!! The different emotions that have raced through me, I can hardly even explain! I have gone from content, to confused.....hopeless to satisfied.....despondent to peaceful.....heavy hearted to joyous......jealous to grateful......you name the emotion I have had it this week....
I'm not sure what is happening really, I feel a change! I can't really put my finger on it but I do feel that I am doing some real deep down soul searching and finding my way........I have said this before, what is meant to be will be and I know we will be okay with that outcome in the end.......who knows what all of this brain activity is, but something is feels different right now!
At the end of the day after everything has calmed down and I head to bed........the last thought that always flows through this over-zealous head is that faith will get us through....faith that the right thing will happen.....there will be forks in the road and we will choose and as long as we have each other we will be just fine........
Monday, March 15, 2010
T and I were having a wonderful relaxing Sunday afternoon, watching movies, discussing our upcoming trip with me and my laptop on my knees.......this is when the day took a turn for the worse.......it really is uncanny how 5 little words can change your whole being, can take you from happy and content to absolutely miserable! It was at that moment I knew I had to get off this crazy train, of knowing every one's business! It was just too much!
The reality is, right now I am surrounded with people moving on with their lives.......having children, moving into homes where they will raise their families, all of my peers are in their mid to late 30's and that is what life is like for this age group........now I realize T and I are not the only people out there in the land of limbo, but at that instant it felt like it. For some reason this outlet was making me compare myself with everyone else....and I am not normally like that. I am very content and happy with my life.... yeah we have some stuff that we are dealing with, who doesn't! However I am not usually one to do that "grass is always greener stuff", so this just had to stop!
I knew in that instant that it was not healthy for me to know every single detail of peoples lives.....lets face it 2 years ago pre FB I would never have known over 3/4 of this information. It is just not necessary and I was becoming a person I didn't not want to become....I was seriously seeing a vision of myself flash before me as that crazed women in a straight jacket and it was not a pretty site!!!
So I did it I "deactivated" my account.......whew, you won't believe what that feels like....all of a sudden your contact to what has become your link to the outside world has vanished! I literally walked around in a daze for the rest of that day.....it was so bizarre. I had become so used to "checking in" numerous times a day to see what everyone was up to! It is actually disturbing how this had become such a part of my life! So the "FaceBookless" days turned into a week and then 2 weeks and now a month and I have to tell you, life is good!!!
Seriously it is so nice....it is refreshing for me that I don't have to worry about "Sally and her runny nose"... "Cyndi and her sons math homework" and the fact that "Jim is on his way home from London"....(now these are obviously exaggerations but you know what I mean)....not that I was bothered by any of this stuff but it took up some valuable head space here....I feel like I can concentrate now on our life.....no more comparing....just doing our thing just like everyone else!
Now who knows as I write this maybe next week or next month or year, I will head back to FB. I am not saying that I won't ever be on that site again....there are definitely some things I miss.....the contact with my cousins and nieces...the contact with some very good friends.....the B-day reminders(that was a life line for me)....but for right now it is so nice to just be living my life, planning what we are going to do next without the added pressure of everyone else's "news"!!!
Monday, March 8, 2010
Now for the not so positive anonymous comments...well geez thanks for those too I guess...I just wish you would let me know who you are and then I might be able to ask you some more questions about your opinions.....anywho....enough about that....I will get on to some dog details!!
So for anyone that has known me for even 5 mins(in real life, not bloggy land) will confirm that I am not entirely the biggest fan of animals....actually that isn't true.....it isn't that I don't like them it is just that I have a bit of a fear of them....cats are really really bad, like I wake up in the middle of the night sweating when I think of being in the same room with one...to a mild anxiousness around dogs.....this always passes once I get used to a dog....I totally warm up to them and might even pet them after a few hours...............yes yes miss anonymous I can just see your face....not an ideal situation for someone contemplating a dog!
However for any of you that have known my husband for a mere 2 mins...........you will know that he is the biggest animal lover on the face of this planet......and I am NOT kidding here....I often tease him that he has a special language that only he and animals share..........it doesn't matter where we go if there is a dog cat....bird...hamster they will immediately be at T's footsteps and he is so great with them.....giving them all the attention they need and deserve!
Yes growing up T always had a dog in the house.........all his siblings have dogs and cats....and T is their favorite human on the planet I am sure of it! So you can imagine T's family and friends surprise when he brought this new girl home and had to warn them to hide all four legged animals before we arrived...........yes I can just imagine their jaws hitting the floor.....YOU are dating someone that doesn't like animals.......(and again it is not dislike it is fear) they obviously thought it was absurd and clearly wouldn't last.......T the animal lover, they had always imagined him with a dog by his side.........I believe one of T's friends even said those exact words to him...."are you sure she is scared of dogs"...........well I guess he was sure because not too many months later we were engaged and there was no puppy in sight!!
We definitely have chatted about pets before.....I have said that really I could see myself totally falling in love with a dog someday, a cat never.......unfortunately where we live at this point though doesn't allow pets, so this was something that we would talk about and then just say " well no need to worry about it right now because we can't at this point anyways"!!!
I have been thinking about it on and off ever since we bought the cottage....thinking how much T would love to have a dog and how when we are up there it would be such a great place for him or her........but then I would always come back to our place in the city....no pets! So after our trip when we decided that it was time to keep on keepin on, I was driving home one night and thought....well there is absolutely no reason why we can't make a lateral move in the city to a better suited location to have a pet and after that get a dog to be part of our family!!
Honestly it was so awesome when I suggested this to T.........if you could have seen the look on his face.........seriously this guy loves dogs..........and I truly believe that I will too........as far as all the details people have commented about, what about when we are at work etc....well luckily T can take the little puppy with him if need be, it has been done before when his brother got a lab a few years ago(I'm sure my MIL is dying right now).....and yes I get that dogs/puppies are a ton of work but I think it will be such a great addition..........and honestly I can't wait!
Yes this would be something very new and different for me, but for T this is really very normal....he is very experienced and informed about having a dog be part of you family......I must admit I do think that all along he was pretty sure he would convince me that this would be a great thing.....good job T!!!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
We had a wonderful vacation....filled with lots of relaxing...too much food, some great chats and good old beach time!! We couldn't have asked for better weather and everything including our flights (minus not getting our luggage on our way home back for a few days) was perfect!! As I said we did a ton of "regrouping" while we were away!!
It is funny how even though you see each other everyday....you sometimes need time away from everything to be able to sort life out........to really have the time to talk without any interruptions....and that is what we did! I suppose T might say "wow that was alot of talking" lol
So here is what we came up with.....it is time to put adoption on the back burner...........I'm exhausted....which makes T exhausted........I'm so tired of this consuming my every thought and move........I really can't do it anymore.....I have come to the conclusion that I need to move on.....this doesn't mean that we are giving up....not at all, our profiles are still with our different agencies and if something is meant to be it will be so awesome, but I am going to take a step back.........I need to get my life back...not be so vocal about everything...I just can't let it consume me anymore......
This life of limbo has to stop.....so that is what we are going to do.....move ahead with our life....I have plans for my business, we would like to move within this year.....and I think we are going to get a new addition to our little family........a DOG..........now I can see about 8 faces just about dying of shock......haha...........so I am going to end this post right now just so I can hear all these predictable.....absolutely hilarious comments......tomorrow I will be back with some more details!!!!! lol lol
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Yes "T" and I are on holidays, we are having a wonderful time on the beautiful island of St Maarten...........we are SO SO SO lucky, my parents have a timeshare there and because they are having a trip of a lifetime in South Africa "T" and I have been lucky enough to use their place! It truly is heaven.........we are having a wonderful time!!
I have been thinking though how funny it is that conversations that you may put on the back burner always come up on holidays..............we have discussed it all.....put it all on the line and made some pretty heavy decisions...........I feel better.......ready to head back and move on....the best part is, something that I knew before I came here...whatever happens I have the best husband EVER!!!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
I learn so much from everyone's different opinions in the blogging world, I don't want to give that up. Even from the most negative hurtful comments there are lessons to be learned.
I have a very open mind..........I want to learn all I can about adoption...I feel that there are millions of stories to be told.........some positive, some negative.......and yes I want to hear them. This is why I have searched out couples that have fostered, adopted domestically, adopted internationally.....birthmothers....adult adoptees.....I have searched for these people and asked them about their stories........I want to hear it all......if we are ever lucky enough to become an adoptive family I want to be prepared....to raise a child the best way we can.........
There are a few things I want to specifically address from last weeks post and comments......first off.......last Friday Jan 19th I was having a very hard day.....a very hard couple of weeks....things I talked about in that post were my raw emotions from that time.....I was feeling angry....I was feeling sad and discouraged.......yes that is exactly how I was feeling that day.....I'm entitled, just like everyone else is entitled to their feelings..........to come on to my blog and judge my whole personality from that one post is just ridiculous.....to call me a selfish bitch, entitled cow, stupid idiot.....well I think that is just plain immature.........never in my life have I searched out blogs of differing opinions and thrown out crazy insults when trying to get someone to see my side of the story.....never!!! If anytime in the future you would like my attention....which by the way I welcome....please do in a bit more mature manner........believe me I will take the things you are saying to me a bit more seriously!
I received a few comments...some very harsh and negative asking me why we were waiting for a domestic adoption.....that there are so many children out there that need a home and why were we being so selfish waiting for that perfect baby........believe me this is something we struggle with everyday....I see the need in our country, in my own town........I see it loud and clear.......but when I dig deep in my heart I am not sure that I would be the best mother for these children....at this point in my life I just don't know......I suppose it stems from the fact that I, just like most women want to raise a child from infancy.......I want to share in all those moments that come with bringing a baby home and raising them together. I suppose to some this sounds very selfish........I can't tell anyone what is going to happen in our future........there may come a time that bringing an older child or a child with special needs into our home, building a family with them will seem absolutely right to us.........I don't know.........but right now it does not........I won't apologize for this.....I know many people will have opinions about this....call me whatever you want but I will not get into a situation where I don't think I would be doing the best thing for a child...baby, toddler, teen...any age....not ever.
I suppose I could go on and on about last weeks comments.......there were so many, I did learn a great deal from some and some just seemed like a few very angry people trying to bully others into thinking the way they do.........I think I am going to end this with a quote that a fellow blogger gave me........."opinions are like assholes, EVERYONE has one".....and I guess that is the great thing about this thing we call life, we are all different....we are all going to have different experiences in life that make us who we are....lets just live and let live!
I have now enabled the comment moderation.....so really if you are planning on bashing me don't bother I won't publish anything that is disrespectful or hurtful.....if however you would like to give me your opinions so I can grow and learn from them please do.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
I love this women!!!!
Thanks to my Aunt who recommended a wonderful roasted garlic and sweet potato soup recipe from one of Tosca's books.....she got me on the Tosca train...I raced out to our local book store and stocked up! I have spent hours scouring these books....besides the great recipes, the books have really awesome information about health, fitness and clean eating! I have already made 4 or 5 recipes and they are all so good and healthy....I have made many "clean" recipes in my day and believe me not any have tasted this good!!!
If any of you are still on a New Year's get fit kick...........go out and get one of Tosca's books...you will not be disappointed!!
Friday, January 22, 2010
I promised myself on Jan 1st that this blog was no longer going to be about Michelle and Terry's sad days........I wasn't going to look back on this and have to read about all the sadness all the time...I want to look back at this blog and be proud of me........whatever ends up happening I want to see that I handled this part of my life with grace and courage......I am going to try to be positive and be thankful and have faith.......
So because of that, I am not going to tell you what was said to me today that hurt me to the core......I am not going to think about it for one more minute...I am going to pray for this person and hope that someday she will know that hurting someone else is not going to help her not one bit....... thankfully from the help of my parents, family and husband's support over the years, even when someone tries to knock me down, I can put things into perspective and can see that this person right along with me is hurting and is sad....so now even after this I will now try to help her.......
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Thursday night was the first night that I had sat down and watched some o the CNN coverage on Haiti......I was distraught......I just couldn't believe what I was seeing. My heart was breaking. These people and children....it was just devastating what was happening. I was thinking to myself here I am listening to a woman's cry for help as she lay squashed between the ground and a huge boulder of concrete as my husband and I were discussing our weekend activities.....sick it was just sick......I had to do something!!!
As I sat and thought about it, I of course thought well tomorrow I will get online and make a donation.........but for some reason as I laid in bed that night...a small donation just didn't seem like enough........so I tossed and turned with visions of all the small children I had seen on the screen that night when it finally came to me.........I was going to do something at work...........I decided I was going to donate my sales from Sat to relief efforts in Haiti!!!
I asked T what he thought of the idea first thing and of course he was on board thinking of different things I could do to get more people involved........so it was decided.....I called our local radio station and they did a short interview...I sent out emails and facebook announcements....Sat morning I made posters, got balloons and timbits...........and we were off!!!
What can I say........the clients at the salon are AMAZING AWESOME...so GENEROUS.......ahhh it was so great.......everyone chipped in, people were coming in off the street buying products, getting their hair trimmed....all because the sales were going to be donated.....it was just so great to watch and be a part of.....the best part was, we were able to raise a little over $1500 to give to Haitian Relief!!!
If we can help even a few people.....by giving them the simplest things....like water, shelter ever as simple as bandages.......that would be so great.........
Monday, January 11, 2010
this year, I am going to try to work on the things that I have learned.....
This year I am going to....
Slow down. Think less, Have fun. Breathe. Hug. Sing. Dance. Laugh. Smile. Listen. Call. Write. Play. Provide. Just Be. Kiss. Visit. Walk. Let Go. Pray. Learn. Read. Snuggle. Accept. Have FAITH. Give. Believe. Offer. and just LIVE. (thanks yaya for this inspiration)
What is your 2010 going to look like?
Thursday, January 7, 2010
As I opened the email and read the black type, I was cautiously excited....surely not really taking in the text.....I read it and reread and started to digest it......some items about this women seemed a bit scary but truthfully I was very oblivious to what these words even meant. I quickly called T and he looked the the email over........knowing he would be a much better judge much more cautious, I waited for his response.......was this something that we could entertain.
We collectively decided right then that we would respond by saying we were interested but needed a lot more information......we sat and discussed all night, me with my laptop in my hands searching out every bit of information......still at 11pm there was no response so I headed to bed....with many different thoughts rolling around in my head.
Very early morning I awoke and searched out my blackberry and saw that ever so famous red blinking light.....again my stomach did a flip flop with anticipation...........and it was another email...a much more detailed email about all the different scenarios that this little life would be facing upon entering the world........my heart was saying wow could we handle this, would it be too much.....but naively I still did not anticipate the extent of all the issues that were staring right at me.........
As the sun came up I waited for T to stir so I could chat with him about this most recent email, again realizing that he would be a much better judge........we decided our best bet was to call on some professionals...motherrisk...my aunt who is a nurse practitioner and of course our adoption practitioner.......after a very long grueling day of phone calls, emails and reading tons of information........T and I decided to pull ourselves from this "pool" of couples that would be profiled in the next few days......
At the beginning of this 2 day journey I felt some anger thinking how could you do this to your baby, this poor little being....that's life now is in such jeopardy.....but now I just feel such sadness for those two people, this birth mother that is so very troubled and this little person that will enter this world in the next few weeks...no one knowing what the outcome might be.....
I pray that our agency can find a couple that has the strength and courage to take these two people into their care.....I hope they get the chance to love this baby and help it through its inevitable struggles throughout the coming years........I pray this women can get some help, some love and strength to pull herself out of the trenches if that is what she desires......
I will think of these two often I am sure.......they have tugged at my heart strings....
Monday, January 4, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
#1.....the cutest set of Canada Day twins...
#2 the best Valentines Day photo op EvER.......
#4...adoption profile photo ops...thanks Lynne.......
#5.....best looking Mom........Christmas 2009......
#7 Sushi Night with Dad....very very humorous to watch.....
#8 best place to have a nap.....
#9 worst facial expression has to go to "T" this year....wow
#10 absolutely the cutest baby you have ever seen........
#12 best way to get through the adoption blues......RenOVate........Cottage Reno Bayfield ONT!