Monday, July 19, 2010

lost........

I have to be honest, we are feeling very lost. We know that we should be feeling something but nothing seems right. Our world is off it's axes....one day we wake up, jumping out of bed with a mission on the mind...others we can barely drag ourselves out, feeling like the night passed us by with not a wink of sleep...making day to day tasks very difficult. I have always been the type of person that takes one day to regroup....take the day eat junk, drink wine...stay in bed, cry...shut everyone out, all the while knowing that the next day things will look brighter, clearer and I will carry on.

Well last week I think I did a pretty good job at pretending that was what was happening.....now 7 days later I know that this is not the case. In this situation, it is hard to know what is an appropriate feeling.....we know that we are sad....and disappointed....we are not mad, but then sometimes I am and feel guilty....I am envious of others that have had an easy go...and I know that that is terrible and not right....and not me.......I know that my heart feels broken....mostly when I look at T and see his "sad eyes"...........we are not this couple, we are positive people....happy...caring.......we are not broken down people.....so this is why we are finding this very difficult.
Of course everyone says nice things...."oh better things will come", "one door closed another opens"...and I know logically all of this is true....but I think right now we will just have to let ourselves feel all that we have to.....hopefully soon, we will be able to dust ourselves off and contemplate doing this all over again....because right now this is not the case.

I really appreciate all the comments and emails that I have been getting from all of you....you are all so so sweet....however, I know how this post sounds...yes I am having a down day..a day that I feel life isn't fair....and I know that some that read this blog will look, read this and take it all the wrong way....so feel free to do so...but I am removing the comments to this post...because quite frankly I just don't need to hear what you think of me right now.....so this time you can read, think what you want, and carry on....

Friday, July 16, 2010

brake slamming!

So here we are again.........you know when you or someone else is driving and all of a sudden you have to slam on the brakes...whether something came out in front of you unexpectedly or the car in front of you stopped, or you thought you could make that light but then realized you better not....and then you have to use all your might to push that brake pedal down and you stop with a jolt.....all of a sudden your heart starts pumping a bit faster and knees might even be knocking a bit...and you just have to sit and regroup and figure out what the heck just happened!
That is how this feels........I feel like someone just slammed the brakes.... on our life.......like a person just stepped out in front of me that I didn't see coming.... and he is holding a sign saying "sorry Miss you actually have to turn around....I'm sorry I startled you but you are not allowed to use this road anymore you must do a u-turn and head back to where you just came from."

I know this is a very "simple" explanation but this is truly how I am feeling right now.....my head knew that I shouldn't count on anything until it happened...I didn't buy anything, I didn't let myself envision a life with a child in it to much, but it was really hard not to....so now we must refocus......regroup....smile and carry on.

My life is a very public one in the town where I work....as one of my good friends said last night "M" you are like the Angelina Jolie of Exeter....hahahah now that is a huge stretch she wasn't meaning her looks (I wish) it was the fact that everyone and I mean everyone seems to be very interested in my life.........ughghghg people I don't even know are calling other people I do know asking about what has happened....Oh boy.....now I have dealt with things like this in the past.....and the great thing about it is the support I get....seriously it is unreal.....people are so kind and caring....on the flip side, it makes this whole situation DRAG on....I am only on day 3 of talking about this at work...and remember in the salon we are on a 6 week rotation......my oh my I have a few more days of rehashing.....so this I am finding a bit exhausting....but what I keep reminding myself is it is only because people are trying to support me, and truthfully people can't help themselves, they love a good juicy story...... they are all a bit nosey....lol lol....life of a small town girl!

I can't help but feel like I have just stepped off the set of a soap opera....when I am explaining our story to people I think... oh my.... I can't believe how that just sounded.....my life is fairly boring, uneventful.....but this sure did spice things up for a bit.....geesh.....so now, what to do....I guess it is back to hairspray and makeup and picking out cupboards and hardwood floors for our new home.....and yes you are so right..... as I know what you are all thinking, I am very lucky and have not one thing to complain about.....my life is good!
m:)

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

with a sad heart......

"Good things come to those who wait"....."never give up hope"...."all things happen for a reason"......."better things ahead", these are just a sampling of some of my favorite cliches.....irritating to hear I know, but thankfully I have experienced enough in my life to know that they are all true....."this too shall pass"....

This is a blog I hoped I would never have to write. As I am typing my heart is sad and my head is very disappointed. As you can tell by now our matched has not worked out. "N" has decided to parent her baby. Yes we are very sad but as I have always said we can absolutely understand why. This baby will have just as much love in her home as it would in ours... for that we find comfort.

What has disappointed us is the fact that someone we had come to trust has not even informed us that she has given birth yet. For some reason unknown to us "N" it seems has fallen off the face of the earth, or so she would like us to believe.......thankfully our SW has some connections that were kind enough to inform us that "N" had her baby late Sat night and went home on Sunday....she told the hospital that she had considered adoption early on, but changed her mind a few months ago....which is all very interesting because it was a few months ago that she contacted us. We are not angry, we are not mad.... we are just confused as to why in this day and age with all the technology in this world...email, answering machines....social workers at your doorstep why you couldn't just tell us earlier and not let us think something so positively for so long.
We have to believe that she knew no other way to handle it, she felt this was all she could do. I pray that she as well as "T" and I can find peace with that.

There really isn't much more to say.....we will now regroup, try and find the lessons in all of this and move on. I do know for sure that in the end it will all make sense.
m

Monday, July 5, 2010

the timing will be perfect.....

So I apologize for my lack of blogging, but I really wanted to wait until I had some news.....and well I don't have the news that we are all wanting to hear.........however, we are still waiting....patiently....."N" is now very overdue, very pregnant and very HOT!!! I feel so bad for her, I just can't even imagine it.....it sometimes just takes my breath away when I think about it....all of this discomfort.....and in the end to give this most amazing, selfless gift to another couple.....it actually boggles my mind. I sit and I think about it and I wonder.....would I be able to do something this big, this amazing....is this the choice I would make???? I don't think any human can know what they would do until they are in a particular position....so I hope if ever I was in "N's" position I would do the same as she is doing for us.

So we will continue to wait....things should happen soon....but you never know....one thing I have learned in this past year is, this is so worth waiting for and if T and I are meant to be parents our special baby will come when the timing is just perfectly right!!

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day."

Habakkuk 2:3


m :)