Thursday, April 30, 2009

to be prepared....


It has been a very exciting week around here.......my closest and dearest friend gave birth to a beautiful baby boy on Tues morning! He is just the cutest thing.....I went to see them on Wed morning at the hospital and he is a doll!! Let the spoiling begin!!

The strangest thing happened to me on Sunday night....I had the craziest most real dream, my girlfriend had had her baby...it was a boy and they named it...... well I'm not even going to say the name because it isn't one that I really am fond of and later found out neither was my girlfriend, but I don't want to offend anyone!!! Anyways my dream was sooooo real, it was one of those moments when you wake up in the morning and really have to collect yourself because you can't figure out if this has really happened or not!
Now let me explain myself here, I am not into analyzing my dreams.........ever...I rarely talk about my dreams or even remember them...but this one is just too crazy not to mention....

So in the dream we were all at the hospital having a visit.....now the part of the dream that I haven't told anyone about is, in my dream I was very very sad....crying actually....I was saying to everyone that I had tears of happiness and relief but it wasn't I was just really sad about everything.....thinking about how things were going to change...my relationship with my girlfriend....the fact that it seems like everyone is going to have a baby except me....blah blah blah feeling really sickeningly sorry for myself....so I woke up really disturbed and annoyed with myself and I guess most of all nervous........hoping and praying that this was not how I was going to feel when the real event happened!

I did tell my girlfriend and my Mom about the dream...not the sad part just the fact that I had dreamt that she had had her baby the night before.....

It's funny after my girlfriend's baby was born, I was talking to my Mom and she said well look at that M....God really prepared you for what was to come today didn't he...........when she first said it I didn't think much about it.........but I absolutely think that is what he did for me.........because not once did I feel those emotions, that I had in my dream.
From the minute I took the phone call from my girlfriends husband I was sooooo overcome with excitement and happiness...and of course relief that everyone was okay and doing well!! I even had my guard up a bit as I walked down the halls of the hospital, approaching the room where I would meet the baby and see my girlfriend as a Mom for the first time..........and again I was soooo relieved that the only emotion I felt was joy...genuine happiness for my friends but also for me.....I am going to see this little guy grow up and be part of his life and I can't wait to share all of these experiences with my friend!

I know that my Mom was right.....God was preparing me, and maybe even letting me get out those few emotions before the big day.....so I could really enjoy what was happening....and boy am I thankful he did.....because I wouldn't have wanted to miss this, not one part of it!!

m :)

Monday, April 27, 2009

who's opinion matters........

I have been thinking a lot lately about something my cousin and I talked about a few days ago...we were discussing how people may have preconceived opinions about you....do people always take you at face value at that moment or do they base their opinion on what they know about you, what they have heard about you, or as simple as what they remember about you. Things from your past, how you acted then, or how you handled situations years ago. Does that make it difficult for them because they can't forget what has happened in the past. Unfortunately do they not see you for what you are now or what you are trying to be in this very moment????

Do you think this is the way it is??? I for one can't even give you an honest answer about myself....I truly hope I don't do that to people. I hope that I clear my mind if I have known someone for years and maybe they have made some bad choices..(or at least in my opinion they have made bad choices)...I hope I have an open mind about them....and give them my full attention...evaluate what they are doing or asking of me at that very moment, without clouded judgement!

We all have made mistakes.....gosh I sure have.........yikes.........but one thing I do know for sure is every mistake I have made over the last 34 years I have learned from........some of these lessons have been oh so tough......most I would not want to repeat.....but they happened and I became a stronger person for them! I also think from all of those mistakes I have made, I have become a more caring, compassionate person...I know I have changed so much over my lifetime..the way I think, the way I see the world. What was once important to me is no longer and things that I never thought about have become my passion.....so I would just assume that this happens to everyone.......if I don't want people judging me from the way I once was, why would I do that to them??

I have not talked much about the fact that I was married once before, a relationship that did not last a long time.......after much heartache the relationship ended. The relationship ended but the pressure I put on myself went on for years. I worried so much about what people were thinking. I spent hours agonizing over the poor decision I had made and was sure that that small detail in my big big life was going to be the thing that people remembered about me. Because I was so ashamed of being a "divorced" women at 24 years of age, I just assumed that is what everyone else must have been thinking too......and maybe that is what people think.....I have now realized how much I learned from those years....I became a much stronger, wiser, calmer person after that. I also remind myself that if that had not happened I would never have met T....so really it all happened in perfect timing!

So I guess we will never really know what people are thinking....(which is probably a good thing)....people are never always going to agree with your decisions....there will always be people in your life that support you wholehearted all the time and you will always have people in your life that question and doubt you. It is up to you to decide who you spend your time and energy listening too. If in your heart of hearts you are doing what you believe and what you feel is right, then really that is all that matters!!!!

You create your own destiny! In the end you will only have to answer to yourself.....and believe me your gut is tough....it never leaves you...so you want to be sure that you are doing yourself proud, not spending precious time worrying about how others perceive you!

m:)

Friday, April 24, 2009



~ Spring shows what God can do with a drab and dirty world. ~

ahhhh finally spring............:)

have a great weekend everyone...enjoy this wonderful season!!

m:)

Thursday, April 23, 2009

"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed"

I am feeling disappointed in some people in my life right now......I should have learned my lesson long ago, but I always hold out hope that they will come around.....I guess not.

I am going to try and not set myself up for this again...let this be my final lesson...I will continue to support them as much as I can, because I care about them. I am going to try to remember not to expect too much from them from now on. For various reason they must feel that they can not support me at this time, and that is okay. If I don't expect anything I won't be disappointed!!!!

THANK GOODNESS for all the wonderful people in my life that support me so much everyday!!!

m:)

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

COTTAGE UPDATE!!!

So I don't know if any of you have noticed but I haven't given any cottage updates in the past few weeks....well I didn't want to jinx anything...but I think we are safe now.....


YIPEE.....the cottage is a go!!! Ahhhhh I am just so excited, really I can hardly contain myself....and what I really can't contain is the shopping that I am doing for the cottage.....yikes....the other night I said to Terry "does it seem like every single night I come in with more bags of stuff" and he replied oh it doesn't just "seem" like that M it is like that!!! opps we are supposed to be keeping this cost effective....even though I am literally buying most things at the dollar stores and everything is on sale....well it is still adding up!!!! LOVE IT!!!! :)


So for the past few weeks we have been cleaning the place out....wow was there a TON of stuff in there...crazy...but the cool thing was I do feel like I got to know my Grandmother a bit better while I was doing it! The best thing I came across which I will treasure is a index card box overflowing with all her recipes....how awesome is that!!! I can't wait to sit down and go through them all!
We were able to make a very nice donation to our local thrift store., with all the things that we won't be using. They were so pleased with everything we brought in....we were also able to keep many things from my Grandma.....things that are special to the cottage and to all of us!

This past Sunday, it was still pretty nice out so we did a ton of outside work....I just loved being outside cleaning up the yard.....walking around dreaming of what we might do with the space!

I do think we will have eaten up the BUUUDGET on the inside work this year.....so the outside "dreams" will have to wait.....which is good it will give me something to think about.....I am definitely going to have to get some advice about the gardening....I am a total novice when it comes to dealing with dirt....lol


So everything is happening, as I type the interior of the cottage is being painted...and the exterior will start by the end of the week.....then we need to get some carpeting in, a few lights up and then....... DECORATE!!! Oh yeah you guessed it, my favorite part...........and I am ready.......I have shopped, researched, spray painted....we are set... SHABBY CHIC here we come!!! lol
I think Terry is going to freak if he hears that phrase one more time....I am sure he is thinking how about we try SHABBY CHEAP!!! lol

Hopefully we will be doing a major cleaning this weekend and in a couple weeks we will be up there on the weekends.....I even suggested to T tonight...why don't we stay over on Sat night just for fun...we have a bed and a couple chairs...might be a fun adventure...we'll see...he didn't say no!!! haha

So there you have it, the update, the reason my blogs have been lacking lately :).....I will post some pics later on.....I am going up to get some in between painting pics so I will post them all together!!!

see you at the beach!!!! haha
m :)
***I posted a few pics on my picture a day(or better yet picture a month) blog....lol***

Saturday, April 18, 2009

overwhelmed........


So earlier this week both T and I decided that it was time to branch out...time to get more aggressive with this whole "waiting" thing.....I hate waiting, I hate being patient....I just can't stand it.......when I want to do something I do it...when I have an idea I just do it, I don't sit around and wait for it to happen........this is why this whole process is a freaking nightmare for me.......

I think it was a combination of things that made both of us realize that we can't just count on the system to make an adoption happen.....the first event that woke us up was when our 17 year old niece told us 3 girls from her school were pregnant and were giving the babies up for adoption.....uggg boy did that hit home...wow.....if only....well there is no point in living in the "if only" mind set...we now just have to make sure this never happens again........we need to get our names out there and get people really knowing what we are dreaming of!

This whole time, I really thought we were very approachable...I thought we talked about adoption tons and I really thought people were comfortable talking to us about it......but the reality was not many people, especially the people closest to us ever brought it up.....I know I have talked about this before....we tried not to take it personally but well that was impossible....

So we decided to write a letter.........a letter to all the people in our lives that mean the most to us, and we asked for help....first thing was to try to make people understand that we do want to talk about this, to not be afraid to ask us questions if they had any. The next thing was asking them all to spread the word, loud and clear that they knew a couple that really really wanted to adopt.........
So as I clicked send on this mass email....I was nervous........what would people think....was this going to scare people away...was this going to make it worse.........

Well my fears were absolutely wrong.......the response I got from many people was overwhelming.......the support system we have is out of this world..........people were actually thanking me for writing this email.... they can feel absolutely confident about talking with us about our adoption and the process........which I think is so great.......we already had dinner with friends tonight and chatted at length about adoption and some of the ins and outs that go along with it.

Others have already sent our letter onto other people in they're lives that might be able to help or at least spread the word further...some of the connections just within our small group of friends and family is amazing.....wow when you make yourself vulnerable, truly amazing things really do happen!!

I know this is going to happen for us, I also know this is part of gods plan for us.....it may not be easy but it will be worth it.....and it will be so worth it!

If I didn't know before I certainly know now, we have an amazing support system....everyone who replied to us with encouragement, love and well wishes have made this bit of the process so much easier.........THANKS TO YOU ALL!!!

love
m
I just wanted to share the letter that I sent out.......I want to share it with all of you...because on those really really bad days.....you are all here for me, you who understand this like no others in my life, you are always here no matter what!

xoxo

Hello Everyone!

You are all probably wondering what this email is about....well we are asking for your help! The nearest and dearest in our lives! We need your support!

As you all know we are in the "waiting" process of a private domestic adoption. At this point in time we have been officially waiting for about 7 months.....in that time there has been one successful adoption in our district, but nothing else........although the list of waiting couples grows everyday( I believe the tally is up to 7 couples right now)! We will be honest this process is hard.....much harder than either of us ever thought possible!

We both continue to be positive and do believe everything in life happens for a reason and things will work out when they are meant too.

It has however been suggested to us to seek out as many people and get them talking about our desire to adopt. We pray that we will be lucky enough to raise a child of our own someday.

This is were you all come in.........first and foremost we want you all to know that we want to talk about this, this is a huge part of our life...we live this process everyday.
We don't want to be that couple that you are afraid of "talking to" because of the situation we are in! We feel the more we talk about it, the more information we can give everyone about adoption. The more information you all know could help us tremendously. Most of all though, your support means the world to us!

One thing that has become more apparent to us over the past few months, is how many adoptions actually happen through "word of mouth"....a women we have come to know recently, actually was matched through another family member....it was as simple as her sister knew a lady who's niece accidentally found herself pregnant and wanted to place her child in an adoption...the connection was made and now a couple has been blessed with a baby and this 15 year old teenager can continue on with her life, with no worries!

I know with some of you we have talked about the ins and outs of domestic adoption before, but with others we haven't.....I won't bore any of you with the details here, but we would love to talk about it with anyone if you have any questions. I know sometimes we are very guilty of putting a smile on our face and saying everything is great..and moving on to the next topic of discussion. We have however realized that in this situation that is not helping....we need to open up more and talk...we need as many people as possible to know about our desires..... and maybe, just maybe someday soon our dreams will come true!

Thank so much for all your support!
Terry and Michelle
ps I'm attaching a page from our profile book...this is the book that potential birth mothers look at when they are choosing the couple to raise their child.
-also I have posted a link that we both found emotional although informative..he deserves more

Thursday, April 16, 2009

one womens dream...

If you want a really good wake up call...watch this incredible link!

Never judge a book by it's cover.........

have a great night everyone!
m:)

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

put a cork in it....lady!

A client asked me today if we had heard anything.....I of course said "no, nothing we are still waiting....but that's okay we are being patient the right situation just hasn't come about yet"(as you can see I was having a good day).....she replied with........gosh "why won't anyone pick you guys....like is there something wrong with you"..........

So there you have it..........the reason my day went down hill from that moment on........for the life of me I can't figure out why the people that are the closest to you, the people that you want to talk about this with..don't talk about it....but the idiots, the people you don't even give a shit about say the absolute most hurtful things.........I just don't get it!!

For the life of me.....I am having a really hard time right now figuring this whole thing out....I do believe everything happens for a reason and that everything will work out...and I do know how lucky I am.....all the blessings I have already been granted in my short life.....but what gives....this is just nuts!!!

m :)

***an addition to this post....after reflecting on this post that I put up last night, I want to clarify something....in this post I made a comment "people that I don't even give a shit about"...well I do give a shit or I wouldn't be so hurt....my clients mean alot to me....I don't want any of you reading this to think that you are not important....I share things with you, just like you do with me. Yesterday I was sad and hurt by this particular women's comment....that doesn't mean I don't like talking about this adoption at work because as I have told many of you, I really like when you ask me questions..I love having all of your support..so please don't stop...:)

xoxo

Sunday, April 12, 2009

it's a dog eat dog world!

So Sat night we had Easter dinner at my in-laws! Now let me start this post by saying that I love my in-laws....great bunch of people....T comes from a much bigger family than I do, so it is tons of fun when we all gather....lots of people...kids...lots going on...dogs cats you name it, it's there...lots of loud voices too...which I find very amusing!!! lol

Early on in the weekend I was talking to my MIL on the phone and she asked me...."now would it be okay, if I mention the adoption...when everyone is here....I will try to bring it up casually and try to get these guys talking about it with you," I of course said that was a great idea...!
T's family is very curious or I find the way they handle things that way, not right or wrong just different from my family.....they talk and talk about tons of different things...they are all very intelligent people so the conversations can be very interesting.....but the heart wrenching personal stuff is never really talked about....sometimes it seems they think things are a secret and shouldn't be shared amongst each other...which for some I guess is accurate...... but NOT for me...my life is and has always been literally an open book! So by default, so is T's now!!! :)

So of course when my MIL asked me I was so glad because I really think the family needs to know the details.....they are not getting the whole story when they just hear bits and pieces from different people.....T needs their support....we need it......I don't think they get that.......I know they are not asking questions because they don't want to upset us. They don't want to always be bringing it up..and upsetting us...

I realize they are doing what they think is right.....unfortunately it comes across looking like they don't really give a shit.......now deep down we know that is not true....but that is how it feels sometimes....this is the way I see it......if we were expecting a baby, for instance if I walked into our family Easter gathering with a big fat belly on me what would everyone be talking about......... yep that's right we would all be chatting about the baby, and have we got the nursery painted etc etc.....everyone would be excited and asking tons of questions.
Now I know that this is not the same...believe me I get that loud and clear.....but this is it for us.....we want and need to talk about this. We need our families support. We need to know that you understand this process.....because the reality is.....someday soon without any notice we may need you more than we ever have before. We will need your help, your support because our lives will have changed over the course of a few days.

So back to the chat about adoption.... as my MIL said she found the perfect time to bring the subject up...love her...the lead in was awesome....unfortunately T's grandfather and I am giving him the benefit of the doubt here...didn't hear T's mom asking us if we had heard anything lately......so he rudely took over the conversation with a question about dogs.....yeah you read that right.....something about the killing of dogs I think...I really can't quote anything because I could not believe my ears......WHAT are you kidding me...you *** I can't even stand dogs and you are interrupting a conversation about our life like the most important thing happening in our lives with a damn question about DOGS....ughhhhh.....(this is how I was feeling at the time....after some reflecting I am going to assume he didn't hear the conversation that was going on)..........anyways it did seem like everyone that was at the table breathed a sigh of relief, because the dog conversation took over the sound waves rather abruptly.....hmmm "well that lasted long" my MIL said under her breath!!!!
Well like a trooper she brought the subject up again.........and this time it stuck, we did have a chance to talk a bit about adoption and the process that we are going through, which was great.........I do still think that some of the family would rather just push the subject under the "rug" and not talk about it...but they will come around I am sure.....:)

My hope and some of my concern is, I wonder if the kids our nieces and nephews know what is going on.........this is a big deal and there is a possibility that the next time they see us we may have a baby.....I really truly hope everyone is aware and ready for that......I am going to trust that it has been explained and everyone will be there to support us when this happens!!!

I get that people don't want to upset us and that is why they don't bring the subject up...but honestly we WANT to talk about it....this is a very real reality for us...we are living this everyday.....we appreciate every time someone supports us and asks for an update, especially the people that are the closest to us!

m :)

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

a boy named SARA-THAN!

Once upon a time there was a beautiful, happy family of three. Right in the middle of this groups perfectly good time, the adults of this trio decided it would be a good idea to add another to the mix....so they got down to business and not too soon after, the three become four.........hmmmm well the youngest of the three wasn't really sure about this...but once she was promised that she would soon be granted her wish of a baby sister and she could name her Sara....all was good....(okay so that last little bit is how I remember it....clearly my parents did not say that I would for sure be having a baby sister and I am not even sure about the name Sara but well too bad this is my story and this is how I remember it!!! :)

So the waiting began.......all this 4 yr old thought about was how great life was going to be when her new little sister(named Sara) arrived....all the fun they were going to have...ahh this was going to be great...........well guess what........the "plan" went a bit haywire somewhere along the line....I don't know if Mom didn't eat the proper foods...or she maybe had a drink or two.....(probably not) but something messed up my plan.....SaRA was a BOY!!!!!

AHhh my little brother........who was favorably known to me for his first 3 years of life as Sarathan....yes I was in denial for a bit..........wasn't really sure about this new bundle of joy....seriously what the heck was I going to do with this....play ball???? come on.....even a 4 yrs of age makeup was more my scene.....

So over the next few years.......we got to know each other a bit better.....myself being the eldest definitely ruled the roost(or so I thought) for a bit..........ahhh my poor brother...there are days when I think back to our growing up years and wonder why the heck he even speaks to me...the terrible things I would make him do........all the shit jobs...man it was bad....poor guy!!

Well Sarathan grew up, and soon I was well aware that I no longer was boss.........now here we both are in our 30's and still speaking....actually pretty good friends I would have to say!
For some reason this week I have been thinking about him a lot.........admiring the man he has become.........the maturity that I see in him, evolving everyday. He is embarking on not an easy task, taking over the family business....not easy.........working with family everyday has so many different emotions tied to it...it is very very challenging and I am so proud of my brother. Over the past few years I have seen such a change in him....he has become more mature, responsible and after seeing him in "action" I can see how very smart and capable he is. He is already and will continue to be a huge asset to my Father's company!

Most of all though, I am so lucky to have a sibling that I can be friends with...one that I can count on.........yes we have had some ups and downs.......like all siblings do...but in the end we always are there for each other...never to turn our backs....I know if and when I need something I can call and he will be there in a flash. More than that though, I really like the guy, as we have both grown and matured we can talk and have a great time just discussing life! He came into the shop today for a trim and one of my coworkers said to me as he left.........."M" you are so lucky to have a brother that you are so close too....I just love listening to you two chatting away...I wish I had that kind of relationship with my brothers".....
It isn't that I needed her to say that to realize how lucky I am..........but it did make me more aware that the relationship we do have doesn't happen all the time!!! So I do feel lucky!

So this is for my Bro.....you were so right when you said to me years ago..."M, you are lucky I wasn't a girl....you wouldn't be able to be the princess of the family"....well you are probably right about that, it does work out rather well now doesn't it....lol..... but more so, I'm glad Sarathan was a boy, I am lucky to have you as my brother and most importantly my friend.....thanks for everything!!

m :)

Sunday, April 5, 2009

in the midnight hours.........


Last night I lived my worst nightmare......I now can no longer take part in any sleepovers....no more slumber parties for me....I now am officially my...........MOTHER!!!

I can not believe this has happened so soon.......so quickly.....way before my time.....it is just not right..........I feel so bad for "T".......this is going to be a long life for him.........because it has been confirmed...........I SNORE??????????ugggghhhhh this is not good, not attractive....this is a bad scene all around!!!

So let me give you a little background here..........my MOM snores..........we love her but she snores........I discovered this 2 years ago on our first mother/daughter weekend away....the two of us were nice and comfy on our separate beds in the hotel room watching a movie...snacking on our treats and sipping some red wine..............all of a sudden I heard this quick rather abrupt snort........oh my I thought, what the heck.......I turned my head and saw the most humorous site.......there was my Mom.......the women I had lived with for about 19 years of my life and had never witnessed this until this very moment.... well try to get a visual here...her glasses where on a very curious slant, eyes closed....SNORING.........OMG..she was SNORING.....hahahaha too funny......well it was funny at that moment.....it became much less humorous 2 hours later, as I was trying to get to sleep, that's right this torture lasted all night..........yes yep, very hard to get to sleep let alone stay asleep.......Dad no wonder you have to nap during the day!!!! lol

Well last night the sad truth was discovered.........everyday I am becoming more and more like my parents..........why is it that all the little things that annoy you about your parents or the things you find the least desirable you inherit.......you suddenly start doing....what the heck.......very strange.......well I might as well face it.....it is happening......and sadly for T the snoring has begun!!!

I woke up last night around 2am......as I woke up T stirred and I heard him say "oh yeah" and then I heard a thump...something hitting the wall.........I said "what was that"?.....oh just my ear plugs......."ear plugs" I said WHAT...WHY???? "Because you SNORE" T said very bluntly......that's why.......oh come on I don't snore, why do you always have to exaggerate????

Well apparently T was not exaggerating.........apparently from the minute my head hit the pillow last night I was "breathing heaving".......... T's nice way of putting it......

OMG how embarrassing........I can't believe I am a SNORER......I can't believe my husband actually dug into a bag that he takes with him on flights for his earplugs, just so he could drown out his loud snoring wife..........ugggghhhh this is really hitting rock bottom here people.....thank goodness he loves me...thank goodness we are married and he can not escape...because this is bad, really really bad!!!! lol
m :)


Saturday, April 4, 2009

prayers..........

Sometimes I just can't believe how much some people are going through.........here I am feeling a bit down because life isn't just working out exactly the way I would like it too..........you know how it is.....I am irritated because I just found out two couples that I know through domestic adoption, have been matched...so even though I am very happy for them I can't help feeling a bit jealous and envious because they have what we dream of having..........and I am a bit annoyed with some of my family members over the whole cottage deal....which I know will all work out in the end, I just might have to be a bit more patient than I would like to be....lol...........


Seriously though this shit that I worry about is soooooooooo trivial compared to some people's problems.........and I should know better, I should know and realize that my life is so great! I should be so thankful for what I have, because you know what, things can change on a dime....that is right..........right in the middle of a perfectly amazing life.....you can be dealt the biggest blow of your life....and it will have nothing to do with what you own or have...or have accomplished........it will have everything to do with the most important thing........your life!!


Today for the 3rd time in about a week and a half, I had a client tell me that she has been diagnosed with breast cancer....that's right.......your normal mid 40 year old successful mother, career oriented, beautiful, supportive wife has just found out that she has breast cancer....it just doesn't seem fair!

I have heard this before.........yes in my career you hear it all..........there are many times in one day, I am "high fiving" a victory one minute and the next in tears over some very sad emotional news....most times I carry on..........feeling every emotion as they happen but leaving them behind me and carrying on.........but unfortunately today I just can't seem to shake this..........I feel so sad and so guilty for ever feeling bad for myself..........my god my stuff is so absolutely trivial compared to the things my 3 wonderful clients are going through........I can't even imagine it!

So today I would love for all of you reading this post to give an extra prayer tonight for my wonderful clients.........pray for them and their families.........so they can get through this most trying time in there lives........

thinking about you all....D, K and L
m :)

These women are healthy, active, successful women and they now have just been knocked to their knees....lets pray that they have the strength and courage to get through this!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

A Birthmothers Story........

I came across this video on another adoption blog that I follow today....this is one birthmothers story....if you are at all interested in this process that we are going through, you should watch this.....he deserves more

m :)