Sunday, November 6, 2011
Well this surgery is on hell of a risk........I have no idea what is going to happen on Tues.......I usually have a "gut" feeling.....but not for this.......I have nothing.......I am going in with blinders on..........of course I know what my heart wants......for this to be our miracle...for everything to work out just perfectly........I know more realistically this is going to be one tough road....a long recovery, with hopefully a very positive outlook......and that to be honest will be a miracle as well!!!!
All I know right now is........what is to happen, will.....we will be given the strength we need to handle whatever is to be...we are a very strong unit.....and I love my Dad more than anyone......
Prayers PLEASE.......for my DAD, for the DR's working with him on Tues......for my MOM to make it through whatever is to be........I really don't ever ask for much but right now I need all of the positive energy, prayers whatever the heck you believe in...we need it!
Monday, October 24, 2011
1) the lady that literally looks like a vegas show girl...wth was she thinking, there were rhinestone's, feathers and a LOT of purple!
2) the drunk 50+ guy that finds an antique bed pain in the bathroom, proceeds to wear it on his head while freaking girls out on the dance floor......nice!
3) the crying sobbing, can't get any words out MOH speech
4) the 70 yr old man with the really really bad toupee...and then having a really drunk 20something (ask me infront of the man) if I could help him out with his hair!!
5) the always entertaining to watch...locomotion train.....why why why???
6) the couple that drinks so much that they actually hate each other by the end of the night...she takes a cab and leaves him there..
7) the group of crazy women dancing all night....trying to do the fist pump and the dougie....oh wait that was us....hehe to much fun!!
The whole weekend was a blast....we had so much fun....Congrats Jon and Amanda!!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
So all of this sounds pretty tame....OK...whats the big deal, you are thinking she got some waxing done before a family wedding....fairly normal chain of events for a woman.......
Well the point where the story kind of falls of the rails for me is after the first strip was yanked from my upper eyelid.......something just didn't feel right.......there was a definite stinging sensation that I had not felt before........oh did I mention that my biggest fear about waxing is losing skin...yeah my biggest fear........so of course that is what flashed through my mind...but then I calmed myself...suggesting that I might be a weee bit paranoid....so onto eye numero 2......hmmm interesting why is it feeling like this woman is pulling in slow motion.........oh and there is that stinging again.......hmm...well I guess the cooling gel will fix that, I must be just super sensitive today...can we say hormones......so she does a few little clean-up tweezes and out comes the cooling gel....I was almost salivating for that stuff...get it on my lids lady, I was thinking to myself.......AHHHHHHHHHHHH...........shit NOPE that did not help.......STINGING!!!!
I remained calm...trying to keep my composure, still telling myself that it is nothing....just over sensitive......she handed me the mirror....looked good...a bit red but nothing that major.......ahhh whew good....back to work.............
Well as the minutes went by things got increasingly more painful......I hate to be a suck but VERY FREAKING painful......it was at this point that I knew things had gone wrong........shit....5 days before the wedding are you kidding me....I slowly made my way to a mirror and was faced with a shocking situation.....my lids where tomato red and you could see an area where skin had been removed......then my coworker says.....OH NO....look at you...that is going to SCAB!!..........Thankyou...thankyou....that is exactly what I needed to hear at this moment.........like hello couldn't you use your energy in giving my some hints on how to treat this disaster......instead of telling me about my looming scabs!
ughghgh I can't believe it, I have stocked up on polysporin, and vitamin e..............wish me luck or buy me some sun glasses!!! :)
and I thought my biggest problem was worrying about a new pimple pooping up on Sat.....be careful what you wish for......
Friday, October 14, 2011
what the heck Mr "T" bought me some mint chocolate malt balls (my fav) the same time as his almonds....well, thankyou very much....but in two sittings, two overflowing handfuls my container was history..........ughghhghghghg....this was 3 weeks ago...and he is just finishing his container now.....unreal!!!
no wonder I am 8(10) pounds heavier then I want to be......
catch ya later ladies...I'm going to find myself something from Mr "T"s stash....
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
~ I hardly ever watch TV...nothing holds my interest
~ I am never ever full...I could eat every second every minute of the day
~ I have an intense fear of conversing with people anywhere other then my own home or salon(I don't know why this is...but I literally have butterflies in my stomach all the time)
~ I LOVE to sing and dance...(and now I have a dance partner, you should see little miss "D" and I cut a rug)
~ my feelings get hurt very easily...(I need thicker skin)
~ I love learning about my craft....I will never ever stop upgrading my skills
~ I love to shop...but by myself
~ I now know the hurt and pain a terminal illness can cause a family....no one knows until they have been there
~ I have been very disappointed by some of my girlfriends...sad but very true
~ I have been very surprised by some of my girlfriends...amazing support
~ I could never ever have imagined how much I could love this little girl, miss "D"....so so much
~ I hate being a boss....I wish I could just be every ones friend
~ if I wasn't a hairstylist, I would love to be a party planner.......or interior decorator
~ I think open adoption is amazing and very scary at the same time
~ I eat no less then 5 eggs/egg whites a day
~ I am truly hoping and praying everyday, every minute for a miracle......
what are some of your "truths"??
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
However....when it comes to anyone else right now....yikes....and some people are worse then others it seems....
It was Thanksgiving here in Canada this past weekend....and of course when you have an occasion such as this family gets together....and everyone wants to have cuddles with the babe...well what do you do when the babe is making it very clear who she is going to be cuddling with!!
Case in point....Mr T's great grandma.....Granny K....well what can we say about Granny K....this is a feisty one....there is no beating around with bush with Granny K....I have to be honest...before I knew her well she scared the crap out of me as well....so who could blame little Miss D when she took one look at K and her little eyes welled up with tears....you know the silent kind....she was trying to process who this was, she couldn't figure out why we would be putting her on this women's lap...this women that in her mind she had never ever seen before....then the wailing started....oh boy....here we go...because you see Granny K doesn't think that there could be any possible reason for this making strange thing...just like she can see no possible reason why you would use a soother...yes she is old school....not that there is anything wrong with that, but this little situation was making me sweat!!
You see about 6 weeks ago, we had a family occasion with Mr T's family....and Granny K wanted to hold little miss D which was fine, however she was wearing a silk jacket....so you do the math a pink silk jacket, a 93 year old woman that can't see very well, can't hear very well and well lets face it is weak....and a slithering 3 month old........well we ended up with a fussy baby that didn't want to be in her lap....I came over to rescue someone in this situation and Granny K took one look at me and said...."you get away"!!! Now I know what you are thinking "how awful, rude"....but go easy on Granny K, this is just the way she is....I was not offended however didn't really want to be told that again...so I looked at my sister in-law and said you stay close I will go....lol....save the peace for today.......so in remembering this little outburst, I said to T before we arrived at his Mom yesterday...."you are on Granny K and Little Miss D duty"....you have to watch...cause K will want her and she is even more squirmy than last time......and she is making strange...this is not going to be good!!
Call it mothers intuition, call it physic powers call it whatever you wish, but I was correct...this was not going well at all.....Mr T was right there....trying to console, I'm not sure who...D or K....one was scared and one was sad........and then it happened the Daddy claws came out......now keep in mind K is feisty...she doesn't mince words...and she was upset that her little great granddaughter didn't want to have anything to do with her.......well she looked at T and said "she is mean....she is a meany...." WHAT...this was funny to me actually, I was prepared for these comments seeing my last encounter with K....but T, well he obviously was not seeing the humour in any of it......all of a sudden I heard him say.......she is not mean you are mean....she is a baby....she is tired...and he scooped her up looking perplexed as to what to do next.....off Little Miss D and Mr T went!!
Luckily for Granny K, and for Mr T I don't even think she heard the tone of Terry's voice....didn't realize he was most likely a little peeved....I have to say watching from the sidelines was quite hilarious.....
Even though I could see some humour in it all, doesn't change the fact that this making strange stage is scary for everyone involved....
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
1) stretchy pants...lulus, la senza spirit, joe fresh I don't care what kind they are, I need them right now....ughhg
2) make-up....I know I'm sorry this is starting to sound like a very superficial post...but my skin is awful right now...yes I am 37 and have an acne problem...it sucks...when I have extremely stressful events happen in my life I get zits....and they last for months...and months...it sucks...so honestly I am so thankful for makeup, so I don't have to look like a red faced pre-teen in front of anyone but myself in the mirror...
3) jumperoos....yep really really thankful for those
4) chemo breaks....my Dad opted out of his last round of chemo and he is "getting his legs back" or so that is what he told me on the phone tonight as he was taking a swig of scotch....nice to have my fav person back to his old self....
5) wine.....red, white....I don't care, I am just thankful for it....
6) my job....my salon....my clients....really I am loving my life right now....my schedule is just so perfect....I love being home with D and I love being at work...perfect balance
7) family, friends...cousins, brothers, Moms, Dads, Aunts...everyone in my life....pure awesomeness right now....
8) pinterest....I'm just in love with it right now....sad but true, I'm thankful for pinning!!
9) autumn....yes the part I love about this season is obvious...it's time to put the arms and legs away for another few months....like seriously, I love it....not so much stress about the shaving, so what if I didn't get to that strength training, no one is going to see these legs for a bit...(it's debatable if anyone will ever see them...but definitely don't have to worry about it until spring fever hits)....yep very thankful for sweaters, jeans, and the whole wardrobe change when Fall hits!!
10) sugar free gum, cause quite frankly if it wasn't for that I would most definitely be partaking in a carbohydrate treat right now
11) my drivers license.....if I didn't have that right now seeing that I am home 4 days out of 7 this little beauty, enables little Miss D and I to get out of the house..... I would surely go LOCO if we couldn't leave right now....(mind you I could live without the car meltdowns she has from time to time, but still its worth it)!!
12)my tassimo...cause coffee(and wine) are the only things getting me through the days right now...
13) so so thankful that "T" finally cleaned the garage...I did not want to do that job, however it was becoming painful on cold, wet nasty days to not be able to pull into our nice dry car resting place....
14) so thankful that "D" is sleeping through the night...now I would be even more thankful if I was finally sleeping through the night...ughhghg
15)and lastly the obvious...my little family of 3....little Miss "D" and Mr "T."...muah!!!
What are you thankful for??
Monday, October 3, 2011
- do my deposits for work
-put my make-up on
-12 mins would now be considered a very long conversation with Mr "T"
-jog up to the grocery store
-and for me it takes 12 mins to get to the closest city from my house
12 minutes....it doesn't seem like much time at all...12 mins should go by in a flash......unless of course you have a 4 month old in the vehicle with you!!
That's right folks...12 mins can actually feel like 12 weeks when you have a screaming, out of control little girl sitting behind you......and I have to say I think it only makes matters worse that you can actually see her scrunched up flaming red face in that little mirror you put on the head-rest....I do think those darn things make babies look even more shocking while they are having a bad day!!
I will paint the picture for you, just so you can feel the intensity in the air as my sleek looking Venza zoomed down the highway....
It was a beautiful Autumn day, Little Miss D and I had to zip into the city for a few things...I being the smart Mommy I am decided to feed her right before we leave as to avoid any "I'm hungry meltdowns" whilst we where in the big city...so everyone was fed, changed and raring to go....what I had visualized was a fed and changed, happy baby who would fall asleep to the humming of the vehicle...Mom would get her shopping done likity split and we would be home before this bundle of joy knew what hit her........well this is what you get for visualizing.....
It all started out well....I strapped D into her seat....repeatedly pressed the goofy frogs eye so we could sing the ever increasingly annoying song before we hit the road....everyone was all smiles when we pulled out of the drive-way....I would say the smiles continued for the first 3-4mins of the drive........and then it started....first a quiet gentle murmur every once in awhile...and then it increasingly got louder and louder.......until little missy had herself completely freaking out....red faced...real tears...screaching......so I do what every Mother would...I started calmly telling D "whats wrong honey, its ok...I know those seats are awful....but like I told you before the police say you have to wear them...not Mommy or Daddy...they keep you safe and furthermore we are law abiding citizens so that's the deal you have to stay in there"....nope that is not working I can see....ok now we try to sing a bit....lalalla....nope nothing......so I pull over......sorry for the unfortunate north bound traffic having to see my ass in the air while I find the soother....and try to calm D....well this takes a bit longer than I had hoped....I am sure 50 drivers now know the exact size and shape of my butt...ughghg ok finally the crying subsides...calm... this might have worked......I slowly pull my hand away from D's mouth, the soother stays in and she is good to go.......ahhhh success.....or so I thought.......
I pull off the side of the rode, calmly feeling like...OK we both survived, we are both calm...this is going to be a good day.......well again I shouldn't set myself up for that......in about a minute and half the absolute loudest crying you have ever have heard came from my back seat........worse than before....what... oh my.....and this is a different cry...I'm starting to know what these are now and this one I hadn't heard before...no siree.....something was up.......and now I have entered a construction zone....NO I thought to myself why now....I need to pull over....I am sweating....I am anxious....by the sounds of her... something is very very wrong....oh boy I can hardly concentrate.... if that man with that yellow go slow sign does not move out of my way NOW...this is not going to be a pretty site............finally I come to a spot I can pull over.......I whip my truck over, abruptly stop....jump out....hurrying, fumbling around trying to get the damn law abiding straps undone on this seat all while D is still just freaking out......finally I get her out and...........
and.........she looks at me and giggles!!!!!!
WHAT....this girl is 4 months old.......how does she know she can manipulate me already......I couldn't believe it......little sneaker.......well I looked at her and said I didn't realize I would be teaching you the "little boy cried wolf" story yet......but here it is........enjoy this little walk we are taking on the side of the rode....take a long look at the beautiful wild flowers in the ditch....because honey this is the last time I am going to pull this car over when you are having a crying fit!! ENJOY!!
lol....I am kidding I will so pull over if I ever ever hear that screeching again...that was scary man....but she has got it figured out I'm afraid......already...wow!!! :)
So that was my 12 mins of sheer terror......I really hope I won't have to endure something like that again....but if I was a betting woman...pretty sure it will be happeing again!!
Sunday, October 2, 2011
I know this all sounds very dramatic, but I have to tell you this is exactly how it feels...to finally feel like you are part of the biggest club....the group with the most insane number of members...the MOMMY CLUB.....
For years I and countless others have sat in the wings....listening, watching, longing to be a part...we sit quietly listening to everyone talk about diapers, feedings...and sleepless nights....and even though sometimes you think WHY would anyone want this it sounds exhausting...that is just what you tell yourself for emotional protection....you still badly want to be part of that club!!
Well I finally officially feel like a group member.....I feel like I can join in on all the conversations going on at all the parties, at the mall...down the street.....It is so exciting...however
Yes there is a however........what I have noticed is that there are other women in the club that have suffered the sorrow of not being able to join the club quiet as fast as they had hoped....the heartbreaking times when nothing seemed to work....times when all hope had diminished...the dark times before the Club seemed even a remote possibility...actually the club was one of the hardest things to take in those dark times......sometimes once you are in the club you forget...you forget the sadness or block it so you don't have to live it again...and just because our prayers have been answered our dreams full filled, doesn't mean there are not still women out there...in our circle, in pain....living their darkest days.....
This is what I am trying very hard to remember right now........just because I feel that my prayers have been answered and D is here with us and life almost seems to good to be true....I remember all the women who want to join the club more than anything else and can't at this moment...it is people like me, the newest additions to the mommy club that can cause them the most pain, the feeling like something is hitting them in the gut when they hear our squeals of delight over the right colour of pooh, or getting 4 hrs of straight sleep.........I am promising to think of them before I talk to much or to long about the things that could cause them more heart-ache.
Hopefully most Mommy club members think about this as well.....I think maybe the club needs a list of do's and don'ts...this would be at the top of my list....
Thursday, September 29, 2011
The crazy thing about this is hardly anyone knows this about me, actually I think people see me as very confident, put together person.........HA...not so not so at all!!
So here is the deal....tomorrow at 11:30 D and I are headed to our first Mommy/Baby get together...and I am so nervous about it. It is so ridiculous!! I know most of the people that will be there...they are not people that I hang out with on a regular bases but I do know them...so we all have babies within 6 months of each other...some have older children as well....I don't know what it is that is making me so uptight...but boy I have to get this under control...it is really so nice of the hostess to include me, as I said earlier this is not a group that I hang out with often. It is really super nice of them to ask me to join them today...but I think that just makes the nervousness even worse.....
So clearly I can not cancel....but I am fretting about what I'm going to wear....I always have a tendency to be overdressed...and I want to blend so this is a problem...I'm freaking about what D should wear...cause I don't want her to be the kid with the MOM that now overdresses her...ughghg....and then what I have to take for lunch, a salad a dessert????.......and then the freaking fact that all of these women seem to know what they are doing with this parenting thing and I feel like I have NO clue...and then that just leads to....over analyzing...ladies this sadly is what I do best...I picture everything in my head, have it all laid out...only making my palms sweat more and the butterflies just unbearable....
I'm a big girl though and it is time to face the music....I am ready to go...outfits picked not to much but not to little...big autumn salad made...and big ole smile on my face...wish me luck!!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Pre little Miss "D", I had lost those last 8 very aggravating pounds...actually due to the stress of 2011 I had got to that number that I had always thought of as my goal...(funny thing is murphy's law I still thought I was to heavy, I know women we will never ever be happy)...anyways I had got there....you know that moment when all the clothes in your closet fit...some are even big...those crazy items you buy and swear as you are tugging at them doing the knee bends in the dressing room that once you lose the last 5 pounds this will be perfect...well most of the time you never lose that 5 and never wear that item....well it was my time to haul out all of those ridiculous purchases....even though they may have pleats in the wrong places and they were wide leg not skinny I was wearing these bad boys........well not anymore ladies.....
In the past 4 months I have ate way to many carbs and have missed some much needed cardio...those 8 pounds plus some are back......and today was the day that it hit me.....reality! I don't know what I have been telling myself the past month, surely I am smart enough to know that the dryer doesn't shrink your jeans especially when you never dry them...for some reason today was the day that I looked at myself in the mirror and actually realized WOW...you need to get back at it girl...and right after that I had to do the climb of shame...I had to pull down the big bin....that's right folks the fat bin...the pants that I vowed would never wrap themselves around this body again....
You know it was always so funny when D and I would be out and about in the first couple months and people would say to me....WOW you just had a baby....haha I would sheepishly giggle and say..."oh yeah, I don't know what the big deal is"...very quickly following up "no no, Delaney is adopted....Oh they would say and carry on....well all my little sarcastic humour I'm afraid has caught up with me...cause those Moms have shed those last few baby pounds and now they can come right up to me and say...."gee hun, those last few baby pounds sure are hard to shed aren't they."
I wouldn't blame these ladies in the least...quite frankly I don't know how any of you lose the baby weight....all I seem to have time for is chips and wine at 10pm these days....ahhh now this might be where the problem lies.....lol
Monday, September 26, 2011
So this is me...StylinMom....haha self-proclaimed obviously!!
I am a brand new Mom to the most gorgeous baby girl...little miss "D". My hubby "T" and I have been waiting(not so) patiently for 3 years for this little person to enter our lives. Now I have to say there have been some down-right nasty, ugly cry, mascara smearing times through-out this blog...the last 3 years have been really really tough....but this is how I know that Mr. T and I are the best of the best....we have overcome some pretty sad moments but still love each other to bits....muah...We were overjoyed on May 24th of this year when we got the "call" that "D" was ready to come home to us...and we have been in love ever since. So a lot of this blog is now dedicated to her, or shall we say me trying to figure her and this whole mommy thing out...as you will soon see I have no idea what I am doing....when you only get 3 days to prepare for a newborn to come to your house, you sadly don't get time to read what to "Expect when you are expecting"...or what the hell is going to happen to your so called life(is that in publication, cause it should be)....so this is me and my days loving little miss "D" and figuring it out as we go!!!
The other big part of my life is my Aveda Salon....or SALOON as I like to refer to it....yes the life and times of working in a hair-salon......I have been a hairstylist for 17 years......ha can not believe I am that old....(did I mention I started working when I was 15?!?!?).....so lots of my stories are about my clients and the absolutely obscene stuff they say to me....it is crazy....now I will never ever let you know who is telling me what, that is an unwritten rule in my salon...never ever repeat what they have told you......cause they tell us some pretty serious shit...wowza...so stayed tuned for some funny saloon gossip....
So that about wraps up what the heck my life and blog is about.....Just StylinMom juggling my 4 days in comfy pants and ball caps to my 3 days of uber fashionissta, make-up tip giving boss of 9 life.......geesh I'm tired just thinking about this!!!
I am so excited to meet new MOMS, adoptive MOMS and just ladies that are interested in life...welcome to BLOGGINSTYLE!
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Sometimes I just sit and stare at her......hardly believing that she gets to stay...that she is ours to protect and love forever.
When I look at her, I don't see my nose or T's colouring...no, there will never be a time that we discuss that red in her hair...oh it must be from her great grandma...no I don't see any familiar traits from "T" or I....I do however see her birthmother's features coming through...those eyes, that colouring...
What I do see when I stare at her is this....that crinkle in her nose when she looks at "T"...that huge gummy grin she gives me when I walk in the door....those amazing morning smiles when one of us goes in to get her in the morning....when she wraps her arms around our necks when she is so so sleepy....when I stare at little "D"....I see our 4 month old daughter....and I feel so blessed.........
Saturday, September 24, 2011
What can I say, since I left you things have been crazy....the extreme highs and lows of 2011 would make even the writers of your favorite late afternoon soap opera's head spin...sometimes all I can do is laugh...thinking to myself, this could not just have happened...
There are times when I wake up and I am sure it has all been a dream, or a nightmare...
So I will start with the highs....obviously our beautiful baby girl...little miss "D"...she is perfect! I can't even tell you how wonderful and complete life feels now that she is here...what I thought might make me manic...the fact that we had 3 days to prepare for her arrival...the fact that I had to work full-time for the first 6 weeks of her life...the fact that two very career oriented people suddenly found themselves with a little being counting on them for everything...despite all of these things....I LOVE my life...I am super proud of T and I...I am surprised how everything has just fallen into place...perfectly....with the help of some very amazing family and friends...this wonderful, surprise addition has been the most amazing gift EVER!!!
So obviously, this has been amazing........
Now the lows...they have been low...when I think about these events, this is when I think I am living in some sort of sick nightmare...but then I remember so many others are living this same nightmare...we are not alone......sadly we have alot of company...I think I won't even "damage" this post with all the lows....maybe someday.....for now I am just going to be grateful that I have got my bloggin groove back.....
I plan to "see" you all very soon........
Monday, August 15, 2011
just to keep everyone up to speed....sometimes when you least expect it, when you are praying so hard for something else....little angels fall right into your lap....I am excited to introduce you to our daughter little miss "D"...born May 24th, 2011... the past 3 months have been AWESOME!!!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
This is so hard to type, I guess sometimes I think if I don't write it, or I don't call my girlfriends and talk about it maybe just maybe it isn't really happening.....you know in that first moment when you wake up in the morning...it lasts about 5 seconds...you kind of don't know where you are, who you are or who the heck is sleeping beside you....that moment of complete innocence....that is my favorite time of day now....because in that moment, this nightmare is not happening...life is perfect, just exactly how I want it! However...life isn't like that, not one of us is exempt from trials and difficult moments....and it is our turn....sadly this is our year!
My Dad, probably my most favorite person in the whole wide world, has been diagnosed with Lung Cancer....we have know that he has had some issues for about 2 months now, however 2 weeks ago the diagnosis become mush more serious than any of us ever imagined....I can't even explain how sad I am, how scared...for all of us....I try everyday to keep positive and take each day as they come....being thankful for each one of them.....but sometimes in my dark, alone moments it just becomes to much to bear....I just want things to go back to normal...those days that I just assumed my Dad would be here driving us all crazy for years and years to come.....I desperately want those days back.......but they won't be back, we are now a family living with and fighting cancer with every bone in our body.......I will not ever stop trying to find a cure for this dreadful disease....that robes families, coworkers, friends, and for me most of all Dads and Daughters precious years together.....
Please pray with me and my family for our miracle...fight with us to have many more years with my DAD!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Here I have been cursing 2011....you know, I was so sure this was "going to be our year" blah blah blah....well I am here to tell you, that for more reasons than our failed adoption match this has yet to be my families year...I know we are only 2 months in you might be thinking how is that even possible, but believe me it has been intense.....
What came to me though was this...who says this isn't going to be our year....the great thing about this, is it's only March....man we have months and months to make this "OUR" year....so that's it....2011 is going to my families year......we are going to be healthy, strong all of our dreams and prayers are going to be answered whatever they might be....and when we ring in the new year on Jan 1st 2012...we are going to be saying...we made it and look at this......2011 was our YEAR!!
this is a post dedicated to my dad, mom, and bro...my favorite cousins and their dad...and of course my awesome husband "T"...
Sunday, March 13, 2011
I have read in the past people's stories of failed adoptions.....whether it happened on day 2 or 22 they always said it felt like a death....that their child was ripped from them...gone forever.....I will admit I always thought...really, could it really be that bad...you have only just met this little person...it isn't like you carried this baby inside you for 9 months....well now I know....I am here to tell you that that is what it feels like....it feels like our child has been ripped from our arms...that all our dreams have been quickly shattered....we spent 3.5 weeks dreaming of our life with Brynley...falling totally in love with her....getting to know her......and then in one day it was all taken away....and there is just not one damn thing we can do about it!!!
I would say one of the hardest parts is that you are expected to go back to your life, and just continue on....no one talks about it, it is this HUGE elephant in the room...you know that everyone "knows" especially when you live in a small town...but very few mention it.....I so appreciate the ones that do...I may have a bit of a moment when they do, but it means so much more to me that they say something and just don't pretend they don't know....I have always been the type of person that needs to talk about things....I always feel that if you don't talk about it, it just gives more opportunity for the wrong information to get flying around...and if people are talking I want them talking straight...
I don't even know what the point of this post is....just a rant really....we are doing OK...I have yet to get through a day without tears, but I am sure I will someday....
Thursday, March 10, 2011
this is a little something someone wrote for us....a beautiful way of telling our story....
FOR MICHELLE AND TERRY
IT WAS LONG OVERDUE
A DREAM THAT
HAD BEEN THEIRS FOR
A YEAR OR TWO.
A BABY, A GIRL
THEIR OWN TO HOLD,
TO LOVE AND CHERISH
TO OWN TILL MATURE.
HE SAID "NO"
SHE IS MINE,
MY OWN FLESH
NOT TO BE GIVEN
NO MATTER HOW LOVED.
SARAH WAS WILLING
THOUGH HER OWN FLESH AND BLOOD
TO PASS ON THE CARE
TO A COUPLE MOST ABLE
TO DO SO MUCH GOOD.
BUT NO NOT TO BE
NOT TO BE
SO HARD TO EXPLAIN,
MUCH HARDER TO ACCEPT.
PERHAPS THIS LITTLE ANGEL
HAS A MISSION TO FILL
SOME LESSONS TO LEARN
THAT ONLY SARAH AND FAMILY
WE DO NOT KNOW
WHAT HER MISSION IS TO FILL
WE ONLY KNOW
SHE WILL BE LOVED
AND GREATLY BLESSED
BY A BIRTH MOTHERS LOVE.
SHE WILL COME TO KNOW
OTHERS WANTED HER TOO
AND WILL CARRY
HER NAME ALWAYS FROM YOU.
YOU LOVED HER AT BIRTH
AND NOT ONLY FOR A WHILE
BUT SHE BECOMES
PART OF YOUR LIFE
TILL BOTH YOU AND SHE DIE.
Monday, March 7, 2011
On Feb 1st we got the call....we where ecstatic...everything seemed perfect....4 days later we met our birth mother and her family at their house...we thought we would be there for about 1.5 hours at the most...3 hours later we were leaving hugging each other feeling very confident about this whole situation.
Over the next couple days "S" our BM as well as her mother and I had exchanged emails....we sent some pics of our new house, they sent info on the most recent DRs. appt......the baby was to be born on Thurs Feb 10th...
...the night before I called S to chat with her, give her our love....we talked for an hour....getting to know each other...she said she was nervous but everything would be okay....she said her Mom would call us as soon as the baby was born.......
....at 9:27 Thurs Feb 10th we were sent a beautiful picture of Brynley....she was perfect...our daughter was perfect....
and so the story continues, we went to the hospital and spent some more time with S and her family and of course finally got to meet Brynley....it was emotional but wonderful.....because our ministry approval was not in yet and there was a test the BF wanted done, Brynley was to stay in Foster Care for a week at the most....S and her family didn't love that idea, but we promised them that we would stay in a hotel and spend everyday with B....and we did.......one week turned into 2....then the BF started waivering in his decision........something that came out of left-field....no one expected it....a complete 180........the agency was feeling uncomfortable....we were in shock and S was freaking out!!
2 weeks became 3, with us still spending everyday with B.....finally it seemed that he was on board....openness agreements were being drawn up and then in one split second he turned and decided he was fighting S for sole custody of Brynley.....that was it.......B had to moved from the Foster Home to S's parents house where she lives.....everyone was in complete shock....no one was prepared for this....most of all S.....they had nothing.......they were still determined that their adoption plan was going to work.....they could convince him.....so here we are 5 days later....we have spent time at S's parents house, actually giving them all of the things we had borrowed or bought for Brynley. They would love us to be there all the time with Brynley but know why that might not be healthy seeing the situation........they have tried to reason with the BF but he seems to be very convinced that this is what he has to do........they will all now be communicating through lawyers........
where does this leave us.....who knows....all I know is it leaves us asking the question "why"...with broken hearts...
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
This has been a month of ups and downs for us.....ups when we are thinking about our winter vacation on the horizon...ups when we are together chatting about our plans for the summer...dreaming of deck plans...downs when we are in between different adoption opportunities...now to say opportunities is maybe too strong of a word to use for what has been happening lately but it does make one feel like they are on some sort of crazed roller coaster.....this being the upside and downside of internet adoption sites.....almost bi-weekly we have an inquiry from a woman that is expecting or her daughter might be expecting....they either contact us by email or call my cell....I can't count how many hours I have spent talking, sometimes counselling women, or writing back and forth.....only for things to just end with no explanation.....the odd time our social worker might find out the conclusion...which has so far always ended up with the woman deciding to parent their child....again we have no problem with that....it is just the up and down of it all........
I wish I could say that my stomach doesn't do a flip flop, everytime I see an email come through on our exclusive adoption email account....I try not to think about any of it....I try so hard but it is impossible.....after a few emails or conversation....you are sucked in....you know their story....you care about them.....I can honestly say that I still think about each and every one of them.....just every once in awhile they pop into my head and I wonder how they are doing.......I start to care about them...and hope that everything has worked out.......
Yes this is frustrating....I can't even think of a positive send off here...and I do always try to find an upside....but I'm tired, worn-out with this whole thing.....
Saturday, January 1, 2011
I have to say there were definitely times I thought that I would not survive 2010....I know that that sounds so dramatic but I honestly thought that........I know that my troubles compared to many other peoples are very minimal....I know that I have tons of things to be thankful for, but 2010 hopefully will go down as one of the most exhausting...emotionally for me......I realize that there will be years that things are very very rough....and I know that we will get through them...I guess that is what all these experiences in life teach you...that you will survive...with the people surrounding you that love you, supporting you....keeping you going!!! Thank goodness for them........
Tonight is the first night of the year 2011.....a new beginning, a new chapter....clean slate......a crisp white blank sheet of paper to start fresh on.....who knows what this book will read in one years time....I am hopeful still that things will be as we hope at this moment....one never knows....my biggest wish for this year is that we will find peace for whatever is to be...that we will have less anger........fewer tears........and by this night next year we will have found peace with what is to be...
"If things are not as you wish, wish them as they are." Yiddish Proverb