Sunday, December 12, 2010

here we are again....Christmas!

Well here we are again....another Christmas Season another year coming to an end. I wish that I could say that I was excited for this Christmas....I wish I had my old Christmas spirit, the girl that had her decorations up the day after Remembrance Day...the girl that planned and organized so many holiday functions it made T's head spin....the girl that jumped out of bed on Christmas morning anticipating the wonderful day filled with spirit ahead.......I'm afraid this past year has taken all the Christmas Spirit that I did have left right out of me!

I said to T last night that I feel like I am on my hands and knees slowly inching my way to the 2010 finish line...not quite sure if have the energy to get there....I know slowly but surely I will...with the token smile on my face.......but inside I am feeling very broken....very tired....and very very ready for this year to be over. All of you know about our failed match this summer...what you don't know is all the other small rough patches that have occurred this year...things that I won't discuss on this blog because they affect other people but non the less these things have all contributed to a very very hard past 6 months....and I am exhausted!

I have no idea what next year will bring.....I won't say "2011 is our year, I can feel it" and I truly hope no one says that to us, because quite said that last year and the year before that.....yes this has been a rough patch as my Dad said to me a few short months ago....yes rough it has been....thankfully I can still see the positives...all the wonderful exciting things that have happened for us this year and for all of those things and people in my life I am truly truly thankful.....this is what will get me through this Season.....knowing that no matter what.....I have many things to smile about!


Rebekah said...

I know that struggle. I was there. Christmas 2008. I remember coming home from some holiday party, putting my pjs on and sitting in the dark of the basement. It was the only place that felt comfortable. That matched my mood.

There was nothing cheery or bright.

My best advice is to just buckle down and let the season pass. It's okay to hole away and be quiet. Hold on to hope as much as you can - even if only by a strand.

That Christmas was my lowest time in life...and my sweet Tyrus was already in Rebekah's belly. Your life can change in an instant...whenever that instant might be. Hold out hope for that.

Brooke said...

Sounds like 2010 was your year...your year to prove what an incredible woman you are. you made it through tough times yet can still see all the things in your life you have to be thankful for.


Chantalle said...

Hugs back to you....

Love you

Anonymous said...

I've been where you are. It hurts. I remember sitting in our living room last year, watching my husband decortate the tree he insisted we put up (because I didn't want it) and feeling numb and empty...I had NOTHING left to give, wanted to receive nothing from anyone and didn't care if I ever saw another Christmas again.

I swear to you, I didn't think it was possible to be so empty. And for what it's worth, that feeling doesn't evaporate...I can still recall how it felt in an instant.

Two months later, our world changed forever.

All I can offer is similar to what Rebekah has already said...hang on to whatever you can, even if it seems hopeless...because when you finally get there, you will be able to tell your child, "I never gave up"...and I promise you it means the world to be able to say and feel that when you finally hold your baby.