Sunday, March 13, 2011

and we continue on....

So here we are again, it has been a month since we met Brynley. A month since our lives have been turned upside down and inside out. It is funny you know...everything seems different now...even the most ordinary things that I have been doing everyday for the past 36 years seem different...right now everything reminds me of this past month....I grab a piece of gum in my purse and realize ahhh this is the gum that Sarah told me to get....I open up our drawer in the kitchen and there is the bottle sterilizer gadget we bought....I go wedding dress shopping with my soon to be sister in-law and the owner of the shops gorgeous grand-daughter is there, just learning to walk and it reminds me of the things that we are not going to see Brynley do.

I have read in the past people's stories of failed adoptions.....whether it happened on day 2 or 22 they always said it felt like a death....that their child was ripped from them...gone forever.....I will admit I always thought...really, could it really be that bad...you have only just met this little person...it isn't like you carried this baby inside you for 9 months....well now I know....I am here to tell you that that is what it feels like....it feels like our child has been ripped from our arms...that all our dreams have been quickly shattered....we spent 3.5 weeks dreaming of our life with Brynley...falling totally in love with her....getting to know her......and then in one day it was all taken away....and there is just not one damn thing we can do about it!!!

I would say one of the hardest parts is that you are expected to go back to your life, and just continue on....no one talks about it, it is this HUGE elephant in the room...you know that everyone "knows" especially when you live in a small town...but very few mention it.....I so appreciate the ones that do...I may have a bit of a moment when they do, but it means so much more to me that they say something and just don't pretend they don't know....I have always been the type of person that needs to talk about things....I always feel that if you don't talk about it, it just gives more opportunity for the wrong information to get flying around...and if people are talking I want them talking straight...

I don't even know what the point of this post is....just a rant really....we are doing OK...I have yet to get through a day without tears, but I am sure I will someday....

1 comment:

jenkerkow said...

Whether you believe it or not you will get through it Michelle. But, take it one hour at a time, one day at a time, one week at a time and let yourself GRIEVE! Both of you need to grieve, together and separately. Don't let anyone tell you that you didn't experience a loss.....because you did. My heart goes out to you both!!! Sending lots of hugs!! Jen