Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I'm tired.......

I have started this post so many times.....and stopped because I don't want anyone to think I am looking for a pity party....I'm not.....I have hit a low and it is much lower than I even want to admit.....my heart is feeling so lost I am trying to get my emotions under control, but it just seems so hard right now!

I am tired...oh so tired.........tired of trying to be happy all the time, tired of waiting, tired of my conflicting thoughts about my faith, tired of trying to believe that everything happens for a reason, tired of hearing it will happen when the time is right..........tired of making others feel better when they tell my they are expecting.....tired of them saying "I'm sorry Michelle"....tired of explaining everything when people ask...but tired of people not asking........tired of the questions in my head....maybe this is the way it is supposed to be....Gods plan....maybe we are not going to have children........maybe I wouldn't be a good Mom maybe that is why it isn't happening because I know that it isn't that Terry wouldn't be a good Dad because he would be the best!!
Tired of watching my parents friends with their Grandchildren and feeling so bad that they don't have that too........tired of questioning if we are doing the right thing...is this the right path......tired of trying to stay sooo busy so I don't have to think about the waiting.....I am so tired!

I actually have this feeling in the pit of my stomach right now that feels like I could just burst and scream and yell......why, what and when..........I know I am not a patient person but seriously....I am so tired of watching every one's lives move forward and ours just standing still.......then I stop myself and think....Michelle wake up!!!! You are so lucky and I know that....I know I have so many wonderful things in my life.....so much to be thankful for.......the majority of this world never gets to experience what I have....the greatest husband, the best family...and so much more!!
I know this is just a low time......I have had them before....I'm sure it is due to the fact that I don't have anything major going on right now.....it is funny my MIL said something on Sunday that was so profound....we were talking about the next step in my "business plan" and she said " so when are you going to do this...because knowing you you will be starting this tomorrow"....lol everyone laughed as did I.....what they don't know is I have to do this right now....I can't sit around and do nothing, I can't coast.....it will make me crazy.....I have to feel like we are at least moving forward in some aspects of ours lives....not necessarily the thing I want to be totally concentrating on right now....but it will have to do......but I need stuff to think about.....stuff to do!

I know this low will pass, just the like the rest have........but God please..I just can't do many more "lows".....



Sally's World said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through a hard time right now, life has thrown you so many curve balls, i know it must have been said so many times, but you are strong enough to have got this far, you can do it, becasue its what you do, and at the end of the day, what are the choices????

so honey, keep the faith, picture it coming right, and most of all know you are loved and supported! xxxx

RB said...

I totally feel you. These lows come up and rear their ugly heads once in awhile. Hang in there. My only consolation when these times hit is to know that each one of us waiting mommies have been there and truly understand. (hugs)

Erica said...

I am so so sorry. I know how hard it is to be told to just sit back and wait and that things are out of your control. Especially when it's something so important...so big; something you want more than anything. It's hard to enjoy the present when we are aching so much for the future. You WILL be a wonderful mom. You'll get to teach her how to ice skate. :) It'll be wonderful. Life is hard sometimes...for whatever reason, some of us have to fight each step of the way while it seems other coast through. But every one is fighting their own battles...ours just happens to be IF. At least it's something we can do something about, and one day you WILL have a baby. You just gotta hang in there. Just like it took a while to find the perfect guy, it'll take some time to find the perfect birth mom. Cling to your faith and you'll get through this, and be stronger for it.


BB said...

ugghhh!! Been there! ((((HUGS!!!))))

Melba said...

I understand how you are feeling, and I'm not going to say I'm sorry, because I know that can get old. I just want you yo know you are never alone in this. We all know you're not expecting a pity party...you're HUMAN, and what you're dealing with right now is HARD. In fact, it tests every limit. Your faith, your marriage, your spirit...all of it. SO...I say, let yourself feel crappy, let yourself cry, then put it away until next time. We all have our moments throughout this journey that are harder than the others. Give yourself permission to grieve the losses that you are experiencing throughout this journey...you will be happier on the other side of that pain.

For me, I always felt there was no way around the pain, only through it. I think the goal is to process it completely so that it moves through you, and then eventually away...rather than lingering around like a dark cloud. NEVER feel guilty for saying how you truly feel, or for asking for the support you need.

While much of what we go through is the same, we are all different, and we all process things differently. You are completely entitled to self pity, and a pity party once in a while!

Hang in there...I know it's totally cliche, but your time WILL come, and when it does, all the pieces will fit. I know you can't know that until it happens to you...but I also know it's true.



Anonymous said...

I seriously relate to everything you wrote.

Anonymous said...

Michelle: Your pain is my pain...yet I can't take your pain away but I think the best advice is what your friend Melba said in her comments..of processing the pain completely so it moves through you and eventually away. And when you need someone to hold you up or scream at or whatever...You know I am here. Love you lots, Mom.

Giantspeedbump said...

Hi there,
I understand your pain. It may not be a huge comfort to know there are complete strangers in this world who could have written every single word of your post (in fact I believe I have, more than once), but we are here with you, and for you, and share in your struggle. No question, during the lows, IT IS HORRIBLE.
At times like these, it helps me to practice some positive thinking...which includes finding some perspective (there's still time, I'm only 38) and reminding myself it will happen (and I'll be a much better mother for it)and that it will all be worthwhile in the end. If you repeat it, and let yourself feel it, it can help.
I think it is so sweet to see your Mom's comment.