I have started this post so many times.....and stopped because I don't want anyone to think I am looking for a pity party....I'm not.....I have hit a low and it is much lower than I even want to admit.....my heart is feeling so lost I am trying to get my emotions under control, but it just seems so hard right now!
I am tired...oh so tired.........tired of trying to be happy all the time, tired of waiting, tired of my conflicting thoughts about my faith, tired of trying to believe that everything happens for a reason, tired of hearing it will happen when the time is right..........tired of making others feel better when they tell my they are expecting.....tired of them saying "I'm sorry Michelle"....tired of explaining everything when people ask...but tired of people not asking........tired of the questions in my head....maybe this is the way it is supposed to be....Gods plan....maybe we are not going to have children........maybe I wouldn't be a good Mom maybe that is why it isn't happening because I know that it isn't that Terry wouldn't be a good Dad because he would be the best!!
Tired of watching my parents friends with their Grandchildren and feeling so bad that they don't have that too........tired of questioning if we are doing the right thing...is this the right path......tired of trying to stay sooo busy so I don't have to think about the waiting.....I am so tired!
I actually have this feeling in the pit of my stomach right now that feels like I could just burst and scream and yell......why, what and when..........I know I am not a patient person but seriously....I am so tired of watching every one's lives move forward and ours just standing still.......then I stop myself and think....Michelle wake up!!!! You are so lucky and I know that....I know I have so many wonderful things in my life.....so much to be thankful for.......the majority of this world never gets to experience what I have....the greatest husband, the best family...and so much more!!
I know this is just a low time......I have had them before....I'm sure it is due to the fact that I don't have anything major going on right now.....it is funny my MIL said something on Sunday that was so profound....we were talking about the next step in my "business plan" and she said " so when are you going to do this...because knowing you you will be starting this tomorrow"....lol everyone laughed as did I.....what they don't know is I have to do this right now....I can't sit around and do nothing, I can't coast.....it will make me crazy.....I have to feel like we are at least moving forward in some aspects of ours lives....not necessarily the thing I want to be totally concentrating on right now....but it will have to do......but I need stuff to think about.....stuff to do!
I know this low will pass, just the like the rest have........but God please..I just can't do many more "lows".....