Friday, September 18, 2009

carrying on.......

Today my cell phone rang at about 2 in the afternoon.....now my cell phone NEVER rings...I at first was annoyed because I have a "turn off all cellular devices rule" in the salon...so the ringing irritated me at first and then I realized it was my phone ringing...of course I was thinking well who would that be...no calls me...actually I think only 2 people even know the number T and my girlfriend J....she and I had just spent 2 hours together, while I did her hair this morning and T would never call on my cell...... then I started to get this weird feeling in my stomach....it really is funny how someones mind can take you on a total tangent....

I immediately asked R to bring the phone so I could see who it was......and sadly it was my Dr office....confirming my Monday afternoon appt.....

I HATE this.....I can't believe that I actually had a scenario conjured up in my head....I actually had myself believing that it was the adoption lawyer that we met with a few weeks ago..at that moment he was the only other person I could think of that had that number, of course I had just given it to him....now obviously other people have my cell number...or hello why would I not just think "telemarketers".......ughhhh so stupid...clearly I had myself thinking that something would happen quickly with this guy....at least something....some sort of action....

Today has been one of those days.....yes I have been filling every single minute that I have with anything that will get my mind off this situation...but today from the minute I woke up, there have been little reminders....things that have flashed into my mind that take me right back to the place deep in my soul that I try to keep hidden from everyone... most of all me!
Tonight I am truly wondering how much longer I can do this.....I can't stomach hearing "think positive" one more time....or oh "everything is falling into place just perfectly"(funny you said that last year at this time when everything was falling into place just perfectly)....I know this sounds bitter and sad.....I know that I sound like that person I DID NOT want to sound like last year.....

I still have faith...I truly do...I have faith that this is all happening for a reason....and I know that we will get through this..... I also know that most people don't know how we are feeling or what we are going through....they often do or say the wrong thing....but I also know they mean the best and just care about us.
So today will pass and as always I will wake up with a renewed sense of strength and will carry on....with faith......

m :)

4 comments:

RB said...

Carrying on along side you... We've got to be strong for each other ;)

Dana/WiredDesign said...

Yep - I'm with you! That little glimmer of hope that the phone call just might be THE phone call...the occasional irritation when that friend says "Oh, everything is going to be alright." when I remember her also saying "Oh, I'm sure you won't have any problems getting pregnant." You're exactly right though - it's difficult for others to understand what you're going thru. But they do care - and all we can do is hope - and that hope is a good thing! Hang in there...

Giantspeedbump said...

I often get calls on my cell but when it comes up "Private Number" on my screen, I get very jittery before I answer. I'm starting to get less jittery though as I learn that several friends, my coworkers, my doctor's office, my therapist's office, etc. all have numbers that come up that way!! Arrgghhhh.
Isn't this FUN? :)

Erica said...

I'm sorry. I know it's tough. I wish it were easier.

Erica