Thursday, January 7, 2010

knowing your limits....

Yesterday we received an email from our agency with the subject line...."potential scenario"....well you can imagine the feeling in my heart, it leapt....with excitement and fear and anxiety, what will this be!

As I opened the email and read the black type, I was cautiously excited....surely not really taking in the text.....I read it and reread and started to digest it......some items about this women seemed a bit scary but truthfully I was very oblivious to what these words even meant. I quickly called T and he looked the the email over........knowing he would be a much better judge much more cautious, I waited for his response.......was this something that we could entertain.

We collectively decided right then that we would respond by saying we were interested but needed a lot more information......we sat and discussed all night, me with my laptop in my hands searching out every bit of information......still at 11pm there was no response so I headed to bed....with many different thoughts rolling around in my head.
Very early morning I awoke and searched out my blackberry and saw that ever so famous red blinking light.....again my stomach did a flip flop with anticipation...........and it was another email...a much more detailed email about all the different scenarios that this little life would be facing upon entering the world........my heart was saying wow could we handle this, would it be too much.....but naively I still did not anticipate the extent of all the issues that were staring right at me.........

As the sun came up I waited for T to stir so I could chat with him about this most recent email, again realizing that he would be a much better judge........we decided our best bet was to call on some professionals...motherrisk...my aunt who is a nurse practitioner and of course our adoption practitioner.......after a very long grueling day of phone calls, emails and reading tons of information........T and I decided to pull ourselves from this "pool" of couples that would be profiled in the next few days......

At the beginning of this 2 day journey I felt some anger thinking how could you do this to your baby, this poor little being....that's life now is in such jeopardy.....but now I just feel such sadness for those two people, this birth mother that is so very troubled and this little person that will enter this world in the next few weeks...no one knowing what the outcome might be.....

I pray that our agency can find a couple that has the strength and courage to take these two people into their care.....I hope they get the chance to love this baby and help it through its inevitable struggles throughout the coming years........I pray this women can get some help, some love and strength to pull herself out of the trenches if that is what she desires......

I will think of these two often I am sure.......they have tugged at my heart strings....

m:)

6 comments:

Mandy @ The Party of 3 said...

You are in my prayers!!

Dana/WiredDesign said...

Only the two of you can know what's right for you. I had a "situation" to make a decision about a few months back, and it turned out that the RIGHT parents for that baby (which wasn't us) came forward and it all worked out. Praying the same will happen for this little one!

Giantspeedbump said...

{{Hugs}}

H said...

I know exactly what you mean...you are so ready to say yes to a baby, but you know in your heart that a particular situation isn't for you. It happened to us twice. It stinks, but that's why they make us decide most of these things BEFOREhand, so we're not making a decision off our emotions. You were strong to do what you knew was right...keep hope! Yours is right around the corner! ((HUG))

Rebekah said...

We didn't have to face any tough decisions because we were never shown or given possabilities before Rebekah found us! I imagine it is a very difficult battle in your heart.

Keep holding strong, friend.

I had to laugh at your references to hubby, because I alwyas have to do the same thing. I get way too emotional and caught up in stuff to think rationally sometimes. I am so thankful that God gave me a perfect balance in Ben. If not, who knows where I'd be, today! :)

Sally Bacchetta said...

You made the right decision, otherwise you wouldn't have made it. I feel for you. We pulled ourselves out once, and it was the hardest thing about our adoption experience. After I hung up the phone I collapsed on the floor, sobbing hysterically. My poor husband! :) I kept saying, "What if we're walking away from a child we're supposed to love?" But it didn't feel right, and it wouldn't have been fair to the baby's mother to go any further once our trust had been broken. Every birth mother deserves to partner with PAPs who want to partner with her because of who she is, not just because they're desperate or exhausted or hopeless. (I know you're not! I'm speaking theoretically.) You'll know when it's right. P.S. It was good to hear from you again on my blog!