Wednesday, October 17, 2012

~curious: a question about our adoption~

Someone asked me a question the other day. The question I think is one that many people have, some might be to afraid to ask, but this woman asked and I'm glad she did. She had been thinking about this question for some time, she just wasn't sure what the answers would be and this worried her...she needed the answer, and I am so glad that she had the courage to ask me.
Her question came in 2 parts....first "Do you have any contact with D's birth mom?" The answer to this question is yes we do have some contact. The day that we brought D home I started a private blog that only myself, T, J(D's birth mom) and one of J's best friends can see. I post pictures from time to time and we comment away to each other every so often. The comments are light..."oh she is getting so big", "so cute" etc etc. Also every 5-6 months we have got into a pattern of emailing each other. J is a very sweet young woman, very kind and sincere. On Mothers Day and Father's Day she sent both T and I the sweetest emails, and as a matter of fact just this morning I awoke to an email from J. Just a touching base kind of email. Which I am so glad that we continue. I always want to have contact with J. We don't know what the future holds whether our relationship will become stronger, including visits or telephone conversations or maybe it will just stay as it is. But I want some contact with her always for little D's sake...if D has questions that I just can't answer I want to feel comfortable enough to contact J about them.

This brings me to the second part of this sweet woman's question. "Aren't you afraid that if you keep talking to her, that she will take her back?" I know that many people don't entirely understand adoption, and may think this...let me set things straight...this is NOT possible, D is our child in every sense of the way. Until D is 18 years old she is going to have to put up with us! Now that doesn't mean that we won't see J, or at least talk with her lots...D might even spend lots of time with her over the years....but never ever can J "take" her away...which by the way, she would never ever want to do.
It actually is so funny to me that people still think that birth parents can come back and take their children away from adoptive couples...yes maybe years ago, or in the movies...I don't know maybe at one point in time that did happen. It doesn't now....once the appropriate time has passed and court orders are signed this just can't happen.
It even becomes more comical to me, because I know and talk with many birth moms and here is the thing....they do not make their decisions lightly....it isn't like one day they wake up and say....geesh I think I might as well choose adoption....yeah that sounds good today we will do that!! These amazing women put so much thought and emotion and time into their decisions...at least the birth mothers that I have ever had contact with this is how it has been. J spent hours preparing herself emotionally for this adoption. She tirelessly researched how she would feel before, during and after....she did not make this decision lightly. I was always so impressed with her throughout the whole process and still to this day....Do I think that there are times J wishes she made a different decision...NO honestly I can say that as much as I know her I don't think that at all. I think she thinks about D everyday....probably some days more than once...I know I think about J everyday, so I would expect that she thinks about us. However I know that she made this decision with her heart overflowing with love for D...she knew this was what was right for her and D...we are just the amazing lucky, fortunate couple that she choose to get to raise this wonderful little girl!!

So to answer this woman's question, I politely told her the facts and also tried to ease her mind about J...J is probably the most mature young woman I have ever met...she gave us the most amazing gift...and for that I will be forever grateful. More then that though she is D's birth mother...D's blood, she is going to become a much more important part of our life as time goes on...I have always said there can never ever be too many people to love a child. We will welcome J into our family when and if she wants that...we are so thankful that we are all working at keeping the lines of communication open between us and take everyday as it comes.



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