Thursday, August 20, 2009

define OKAY?

I had someone ask me today a very thought provoking question. A client was asking me questions about adoption....various different things, which I thought was so great. She was very unaware of how things worked in our country when it came to adoption...domestically or internationally or even through the CAS system. As I was telling her all the ins and outs, and a little about our situation she looked at me and said "Michelle are you going to be alright if this doesn't happen for you"??
Now I know she was not saying this to be insensitive...she was being realistic....she could see the facts....the lack of babies...the lack of matches....the growing number of waiting couples....she genuinely wanted to know if I was going to be okay?

I looked at her and had to honestly say..."I don't know.....I just don't know.... but I hope so".

I have thought about this a lot's not that I generally sit around thinking negatively....heck lots of times I am sitting daydreaming about baby names and what life would be like if we got the call and had to be ready in 24 hours...that is what I usually think about...but I do have those moments that sneak up on me, the cup half empty moments..the down moments, the sad moments..... and I wonder, will we be okay?
I know I always say, things will turn out to be how they are meant to God intended them to be. I do have faith that somewhere along the way if this is not meant to be I will be okay with it....something will feelings will will all work out.

I hope this is not what happens.....I can't even imagine that turn of events, where I would be okay with not having a child of our own to raise and love.......but I will continue to get the strength that I need on this journey from my faith, and believe that everything will be as it is to be!

m :)


Dionne said...

You will soooo have kids! I know it. It's just a matter of when. It will happen. It's just a long process, and in this process God is giving you patience. I hear you need a lot of that to have kids, hahahaha - so maybe God is preparing you for that!

Allie said...

I think I'd look at this as something that keeps you tethered to the realities of adoption. It's a hard question, but one that has to be asked.

You're lucky to have such a good friend who is unafraid to ask the difficult questions.

And don't worry... it'll happen. :)


Erica said...

Your child is out's just a matter of you two finding each other; recognizing each other after all this time. I know what you mean though. There were times when I thought about the "what if" and thought, "oh, we'll just be that couple that travels and it'll be alright....right?" It's hard to imagine that one day you can just flip a switch a be alright with it not happening. It would be like giving up on falling in love. You've just got have patience.


Brooke said...

you're 100% right about God being in control no matter what. but it does suck even when what He thinks is best isn't what we wanted. or even what we planned.

i applied for a promotion, i thought i had a great shot at it since they'd asked me to do the work when that woman left. only i didn't get it. and, without a doubt i can tell you that it was for the best. but it still ticks me off.

Giantspeedbump said...

I can't even begin to face this question. Right now, I know I will absolutely NOT be okay if things don't work out for us. What scares me is the prospect of EVER having to come to terms and live as a childless couple...I am terrified of that prospect.

sarah m said...

With a mindset like that, you WILL be okay! I am certain it will all work out for you though...keep the faith. :)

Lanie said...

Stopping by from SITS to say "Good Morning". I truely hope your dreams of adoption come true for you. Just from your post I can tell you would be a wonderful mommy! ~Lanie

Rebecca said...

Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest

Eva Gallant said...

I hope that you get your wish and are blessed with a child to raise and love.

just dropping by from SITS to say hi; hope you;ll do the same.

Melba said...

Well it's normal to have those doubts and questions. The "Is this really meant to be?" thoughts that inevitably get to all of us while we wait.

I can honestly tell you, there was a big part of me that thought it would never happen for us, even though all around us, people were reassuring me that it would. I don't know if it will help you or not, but during our wait I chose a symbolic reminder (in my case it was a cardinal) and then every time I saw that, I took it as a sign...or a reminder that things were exactly as they should be. I never told anyone about that, it was just my special thing...but it gave me a lot of comfort, and surprisingly I saw (and still see) a lot of cardinals!

My personal thought is that you wouldn't have made it this far if this wasn't the path for you. You may have to wait longer than you imagined, and it may not happen in the way you always thought it would, but it WILL happen. I know that's not always easy to hear, and sometimes it feels like no one understands...but this is what I believe!

Hugs to you,