Monday, July 13, 2009

melt down and movin forward.....

So last week was a big time melt down week for me.....it all started with that damn bathing suit trauma I am sure....lol

Last week brought so many ridiculous comments from people and one event that stopped me in my tracks....sadly one of my co-workers said something to me that hurt so much, it took me a bit to get through it and see that she didn't mean to be so hurtful, it just totally came out the wrong way. I now realize I spend a ton of energy at work trying to make people believe that this whole process is NO BIG deal...I try to make everyone else feel better about it.....people say stupid things and it is always me saying OH NO don't worry, this is what it is and it's okay...blah blah blah......
There was a day last week that was totally unbelievable....I looked at no less than 3 sets of newborn pics...I heard 2 different stories of clients daughters expecting....and then to top off my day....I heard about a couple that was being presented to a birth mother...now this couple is not in our county so we would never be presented in this particular case but it just hit me...and for a few minutes (well hours) I was really really feeling down....not that I wouldn't be very happy for this couple they are great...and so deserving...it just seems so frustrating sometimes......when my friend told me this news she also followed it up with..."oh I just feel so bad for them....this is such a hard process for them...it is different for you, I guess...I just feel awful for them" with tears in her eyes????? I was stunned....what, it is different for me....HOW please tell me how this process is harder for another couple.....ugghghghhg.....this is when I realized it is time for me to be a bit more honest at work.....my coworkers need to see that no it is not different for me.....everyday here is a huge struggle.....

So after an evening of me resembling a complete crazed lunatic, I decided it was time.........I love our social worker...love her and ideally want our adoption to go through her.....but there is just nothing going on in our city....now this will seem strange to all my friends who are living in the United States...but things seem to be very very different in your country... here there is just nothing...there has not been a private domestic adoption done in our city since last August.....that's right nothing.....our profile has not even been looked at since then!!!!
So I have started to contact other places.....it is expensive but I at this point what is a bit more money...we are meeting with another lawyer in August and I have my eye on another lead that we may make an apt with. I feel better already just having an apt made with someone else...we will meet with him and hopefully love and trust him just as much as we do our social worker.....hopefully then our profile will at least be looked at....and of course chosen!!

So here is to moving on to the next thing.....
m :)

8 comments:

Melba said...

Sorry you are having such a hard time lately...it just plain sucks! I do think it's good that you are being more honest though, and letting people see a bit more of the real side of things. It is so hard to resist the temptation to put a happy face on everything.

Good luck with the new lawyer, I think it sounds like the right thing to do given the state of things where you live.

Hang in there and best of luck!

Melba

Rebekah said...

Man do I understand what you're saying. I came to the same place you did about being real with how much I was hurting. It was about that time we sent out a "here's what we're doing, if you know anyone" letter to everyone we'd ever met and I included my blog address in the letter. It felt weird at first because my bog is son intimate...and personal. But it sure made it easier knowing that everyone in my main circles KNEW what I was dealing with - on a day-to-day basis (depending on how often I blogged).

We also contemplated an additional agency after 5 months of no showings...but it was all so expensive. We went the networking route instead. I do know lots of couples hire an additional agency. If you can swing it, it definitely can't hurt!

I'm sorry that you're still on the rollercoaster. One day we'll rejoice together in your news...

Don't give up.

RB said...

Oh geez, what a day. I am getting to the same point as you. I'm tired of pretending like everything is peachy because it's not. I can't imagine your frustrations at not being shown. I hope that you're able to find another path to make your way to baby. Hugs M :)

BB said...

Ugghh!! Sorry to hear that you are having a rough time!! I think that with going other routes you have to just follow your heart. Do your research and if something feels right, go with it. I agree with you that if you act as if all is going to be ok, people won't get that it is difficult.

It is walking a strange line. On one hand, you want people to GET that it is a tough road with lots of ups and downs and while their sensitivity is welcomed, you don't want their PITY. It is a thin line...

good luck with whatever comes of the lawyer meeting...

Sally's World said...

sending my love and support across the miles, deion having swine flu has turned life upside down but i am trying to keep up, have a good week sal x

Erica said...

I am sorry things are going so hard for ya right now. I definitely think that sometimes we put up such a facade to make everyone else think it's ok that we truly convince them that it is....you are just such a good actress! LOL Just let everyone see that you are human and that it hurts you, too, and they will give you the same support and consideration that they would normally give someone. They just think you don't need it now...but really you do, and that's ok.

Good luck with the new lawyer! Can't wait to hear that goes. I totally agree with you-I would be seeking out some other avenues as well.

Erica

Dionne said...

It's frustrating when people are insensitive or ignorant of other's feelings or situations. I am totally with you - how could it be different? You are both going through the same journey, I wonder why your co-worker said that? Strange.

But that's great about the new social worker! I am sure things will look up for you!

Anonymous said...

I don't know if this will make you feel better but I am from the boston massachusetts area in the states and have been waiting to be matched for about 2 and a half years. Our agency is flabergasted as to how slow it is in our area as well.

I have been to a couple of workshops at our agency and they keep saying that it is very slow and they don't know why.

I totally feel for you. I also have not discussed my feelings openly and many people have said some very hurtful things unintentionally. I think people just don't get it unless they have lived it.

take care and know that you are not alone

Elena