Sunday, December 27, 2009

unscathed........I'd be lying!

I would like to tell you that I managed to get through the holidays.....unscathed, happy...not sad.......and I could tell you that, let you all believe that I truly lived my last post and continuously reminded myself of all the things that I am grateful for! I would be lying though.......I tried....honestly every time I felt a twinge of sadness, or disappointment I would close my eyes and ask God to help me remember all things that I have been help me think about all the people in the world that are hurting and prayed for their survival...

Most of the time this would work....I would think of all of this as I looked over to my husband and loving family and I was quickly reminded that I didn't have much to complain about, I am truly blessed!

I would be lying though if I said that there where not a few occasions over the holiday's that I had a lapse...a moment......a wave wash over me of absolute despair....of intense sadness....even a few moments of envy......thankfully in these moments I had my husband and family around me to pull me back up....put the positive thoughts back into my clear away the negativity.

For some reason right now I just feel a lot of anger, I feel envious of all the other couples that have been matched.....I feel sad for the couples that have been waiting and waiting just like us and I wonder do they feel the same as I do....or do they get through with the power of positive thinking all the time.......I don't want to look at facebook and see all the new pregnancy announcements...the new baby arrival pictures....I don't want to see new success stories on the online websites.....I hate that I feel this way......but right now I really wonder how much longer can we do this to much longer can I wake up and fall asleep sad.....I don't want to give up, but I need something to keep me going.....I need something to tell me that there isn't anything wrong with us....because at this point I feel like there is something we are missing!

This process is much harder than I ever thought possible.....for anyone involved in the adoption process birthmother, birthfamily...adoptive parents...for everyone.....from the depths of my heart, I hope that someday I can say that this was all worth it....


BB said...

I know this means nothing, but you WILL say that someday. You WILL. I am 100% positive.

I will also say that my sweet, precious little R came right after I hit rock bottom. It is ok to feel mad and angry and say. I did. A lot. It sucks to feel that way especially since it makes you feel guilty, but feel it anyway. Just don't give up.

You're in my thoughts.

Sarah said...

I know I didn't wait nearly as long as you - but I did the IVF process for 2 heartbreaking years - so I can tell you - it will be so worth it. I think doing all the infertility stuff is even worse than the adoption wait because not only are you waiting, waiting for everything, all those hormones are messing with your head and everyone around you is getting pregnant. I hear exactly what you're saying.

Shelley said...

(((Hugs))) Thinking of you, Michelle.


Our new match did feel just as you do...really. Then one day, it just happened. It may take longer than you had hoped, but it will happen for you, Michelle.

Anonymous said...

You are not alone Michelle.....and there is nothing wrong with being sad once and a while, the holidays are tough....someday hopefully we will realize that it is all worth it but till then we need to remember to keep living and be thankful for what we have.

Tab :)