Thursday, December 3, 2009

last christmas....

Christmas is certainly in the air isn't it......I can't believe how fast it is upon us and how uninspired I am truly feeling!!

I have been trying very hard to keep myself positive, keep myself busy and I am working very hard at getting into the Christmas spirit! Of course at work Christmas is all anyone is talking about, so it is really at the forefront of my day all the time!

Lately I have been hearing and reading tons of peoples thoughts about the holiday's.....much of the time is all very positive and happy....there seems to be a certain amount of excitement and anticipation that surrounds this time of year. There of course are a ton of people that don't feel as positive about the holidays and unfortunately I completely understand where they are coming from. I can remember listening to "scrooge" like people years ago and thinking come on get into the bah humbug......oh man do I ever regret thinking that way right now!

As I listen to various plans and what people think future Christmas's will look like for them I am so envious.... I would love to go back to those naive moments when you truly thought everything was just going to work out to "plan".....a time when you had no idea what pain and heartache was to in saying that I want to clarify I do get that if I wasn't at this point in my life the most wonderful things in my life would not have happened. I am not wanting to change anything, I am just saying that it would be so great to still be living in the sugar coated dream world where everything is just going to work out perfectly!!!!

This week we were contacted by another birthmother, she really seems like a very nice person and she is struggling...unfortunately after hearing about her situation and the circumstances that surrounded it we knew that it would just not be possible for us.......I know that I should be writing that we are just so thankful that we are being contacted and looked at due to the 2 websites we are on...and that is very true, we are very thankful for that.......but the selfish part of me is writing......please please can't something just work out already.......I want to get off this crazy emotional roller coaster that we are on........I want to feel like myself again....I want to be truly excited and happy about the holidays....I want to be able to have a little one in my salon and enjoy them for who they are not that they represent something that I would love to be lucky enough to have in my life........I don't want to be sad anymore......

Last Christmas I got through it with the thought that this would be it, our last Christmas just the two of us.....I guess that is the great thing about this crazy thing we call can't see into the future so you always need to have hope...that is what will get you through. Whether you need to get through another baby shower, or awkward comment from a friend, or failed match or simply just to get through another December.....if you have faith, if you have hope it will always keep you strong enough to struggle through the tough stuff!!!

as my Dad would say....keep your chin up Chelle.....:)

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