Tuesday, March 31, 2009

guilty........

I have been putting off writing this blog for a few days now....but I do feel that it is important for me to do so. I'm going to remind everyone that is reading this..........this blog is an outlet for ME.....I really do feel that it is a therapy as such.......I am really good at keeping things locked away deep inside(which I realize is sooo unhealthy) this seems to be the only way for me to get it out and deal with how I am feeling!
So what I am about to write is not to make anyone feel bad or sad..........this is about me!!!!

This past weekend we had a dinner date with 2 other couples........dear dear friends.....most times I would be sooo looking forward to this night.....but this time I just wasn't. I was beating myself up about it for weeks leading up to it......I was nervous how I was going to feel and I felt so guilty for having any of these thoughts because these are my friends and I just felt that I was wrong!

Sat night came and of course all day I had knots in my stomach....I actually felt nauseous about going.....but we went............I knew as soon as I opened the door to my girlfriends house that they were going to be able to tell something wasn't right....these girls especially one have known me for years.............but I couldn't shake it....I just was not feeling like myself.........

Okay you all must be thinking what, what the hell is going on....and I still obviously am having a hard time putting it down here.....but here goes..........my one girlfriend has a beautiful baby boy who is about 5 months old and my other girlfriend is having a baby in a few weeks....

I knew that these two would want, and should be talking everything baby.....I would. I truly felt that they should be.......the one should be asking the other every detail about the birth and what to expect, even the men should be sharing details! I was feeling so uncomfortable ahead of time because I wasn't sure how they were going to handle it and honestly if I was them I wouldn't have known what to do either.....should we talk about it in front of them or should we not.....god I hate being this couple that people are thinking they should be tip toeing around.....

So they thankfully choose to talk about everything which I was so happy about......they continued on like normal.........chatting away about it all.....I spent lots of time listening and playing with the baby.....

This is where I start to bring in the guilty part of my story........I wasn't into it....I know my one girlfriend could see it. I don't know if they understand and truly, I am happy they don't have to understand how I was feeling! It was not there fault it was me....and is me..........I just find it soooo difficult to sit and watch and listen to them talking about something that I will never ever get to experience.......NO this is not like waiting to find out if you are pregnant....this is not the same at all, we already know what that feels like...this is it for us..........we have NO more chances......we are in our mid to late 30's and if this doesn't happen through adoption....well that is it!
So for us to sit and listen to 2 couples talk about being pregnant and expecting and the miracle of child birth was just too much. For that I am sooooo sorry.....I don't know if either girls will read this but this is not meant to make you feel bad about Sat night this is meant to explain......how sorry I am.

I'm sorry I wasn't myself.......it was just too hard..........I hoped I would be okay......but to be honest I wasn't and I just had to leave.........I knew that you wanted to continue talking but I could sense that you felt maybe you shouldn't. It was just too much for me to think I was the reason you couldn't talk about all those wonderful things!

I promise I will love your children and once they are here everything will be fine.....it is so interesting and I have heard so many other waiting adoptive parents say this......it isn't about the babies that come into our lives...we love that, we love babies and children that is why we are all trying so hard to be able to be parents.....but the pregnancy part sometimes is just too much....the part that we know we will never experience.

Well there you have it....I already feel better just writing this........it got it off my chest and now we can move on....
ahh sometimes this whole thing just SUCKS.......I know that sounds very desperate hahaha maybe this whole blog did..........don't call the loony bin on me though....I'm fine...just had to get this one out in the open!

m :)

10 comments:

Rebekah said...

Sometimes? This whole thing sucks ALL the time. You, my friend, are perfectly normal and should be stripped from all guilt. Most people don't understand the extraordinary measures we have to take to protect our hearts...but that's okay. It's not for them to understand - it's for YOU to survive. And what ever that looks like for you is okay. I finally got to a point...around year 4...where I couldn't be around babies anymore (no matter who's they were!). I didn't go to baby showers (still sent gifts) or parties where I knew babies would be. It was just too freaking hard. Some of my friends understood...some didn't. It wasn't their world, so they didn't get it.

We get it. We know. You're allowed to feel...and true bonds of friendship are strong enough to make it through.

Erica said...

I'm sorry and I hope that your friends understand. I know how hard it would be if they didn't, so I hope they hang in there for you, just like you are hanging in there for them. You don't have to apologize; you're being honest about all your feelings in this process...and that's what you should do. It's similiar to someone experiencing the physical death of their child...it's hard. It will get easier some days, and harder others....just hang in there.

Erica

Tiffany said...

That's so hard. I've been there. The one for whom adding a baby to the family just isn't easy, no matter how we went about it. It's hard to rejoice with friends over their babes when there is such mourning over your own situation.

hollyrenee said...

I had almost this exact thing happen to me at a Christmas party a few months ago...except that my "friends" proved that they really weren't friends by completing ignoring the fact that I was REALLY struggling through the three hours of baby talk that I somehow survived. I admit, I called my best friend from the bathroom at one point in the evening because I seriously could not take one more second. I am exactly like you...I love the babies, but their pregnant mommies' insensitivity, not so much. And this is what I've come to figure out: some people will just not get it...ever. Instead of breeding bitterness toward them, which I was very tempted (and sometimes am still tempted) to do, I choose to believe that we are all ignorant in some way or another. For them, it's about not considering the feelings of someone who is trying to hold on to a dream while listening to other people dissect that same dream on a daily basis. Why? Because they have never/will never be in that situation. For me, it could be several things...maybe I'm not sensitive to people who have lost a parent, or to people who have had some other life-altering circumstance. Whatever it may be, I pray that God will give me the eyes to see others who are hurting and reach out to them, because He has definitely opened my eyes to others' pain through the pain I experience through infertiity and adoption-waiting. Having said all of that, there is NO REASON for you to feel guilt over the difficulty you have with others' pregnancies...that is totally normal, and I am right there with you! I'm with Rebekah...no more baby showers, b/c I just can't do it. Period. If people don't understand...they just don't. Oh well. You know you will always have your girls on here who always do:)

the "mom" said...

yes this is a "curve ball" for you.
in fact a few curve balls.
if I quote your mother to me once... I have no answers only questions.... if she doesn't have answers I sure don't.

I am just sorry that this curve ball has come your way. And I said in my lessons from the heart 2.0 - this curve ball like many of mine are very transparent to the world... but trust me many people have their own personal not to visible curve ball.
hang in there - we are here for you!!

Melba said...

Michelle,

I'm just beginning to read and make my way around you blog, but this post struck a cord with me, as I'm sure it would with ANY woman who has been or is in our shoes. It's just plain HARD to be the one on the outside, who can't participate in the joy of other people's pregnancies. This whole deal comes with a lot of pain, and I think Rebekah is right when she says you just have to make it through...to survive the best way you can.

I also hope your friends will understand...I'm sure they will, and I think maybe you should/could talk to them about your position in the whole thing. I think most friends want to help, or want to be able to know how you are feeling, but they don't because they can't...so my advice is to tell them, even when it's hard!

Hang in there...thank God for blogging, huh??! :)

Melba

Emalee said...

hugs to you. I understand. After waiting eight years for a baby listing to friends and family talk about their pregnancy's their babies, It finally happened to me, and then it was taken all away in too short of time. SO now I am Jealous of WAY pregnant people and babies. While I can relate to pregnant women its hard to share my sons birth story with them. I don't want to worry them. I mean they are STILL pregnant and who in their right mind wants to hear about a dead baby while still being pregnant. IT sucks and ITS not fair. I hope you get chosen soon. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Thanks for stopping by my blog. nice to "meet" you.

Tab said...

wow michelle....I am reading this entry and I am choked up....I have been feeling the same way lately....it is so hard sometimes and I wish it didn't have to be this way but it is!!! we really need to get together....reading your blog makes me feel like I am not alone!! thanks michelle for opening up you heart and letting your feelings out. it is not only therapeutic for you but for me too!!

twoladybugblessings said...

please don't apologize for how you feel! i totally get where you are coming from. some people get it, and some people never will.

Sally Bacchetta said...

I hope you can let go of your guilt. I agree with Rebekah - "This whole thing sucks ALL the time." It just does. No point in denying it or trying to make yourself feel differently. Friends understand, and what they don't understand, they accept anyway. Be good to yourself.