Tuesday, November 10, 2009

hills and valleys!

So I seem to be just hanging on by a thread recently.....I am trying so hard to stay upbeat for everyone and positive....happy about Christmas coming, happy about everyone elses news and excitement.....but honestly I am drowning here....seriously just barely getting by!

When we talk about hills and valleys... shit here we are again in a valley....damn it all!!! I hate being here.....I hate waking up every morning with hope and anticipation that just maybe the phone will ring or we will get that email.......only to hit 10pm and head to bed with tears trickling down my face.....trying to not let anyone know.....

I am making myself crazy with guilt....guilt over the fact that it is my Dads 60th coming up and he doesn't have grandchildren yet.....guilt over the fact that I know friends get that look when they are going to talk about their children and they are not sure if they should or not....of course I feel that they should but in the end it always hurts to hear all the little details that I am missing.....feeling guilty and hoping that my brother and his girlfriend don't feel that they should halt any of their own plans due to all of this with us....(I don't even know where that one is coming from....it is so stupid.....my brother is going to think I am crazy when he reads this)......

Sometimes all of this is just too much....I am caught in a whirlwind of thoughts all the time...not sleeping...all of this consuming me, until thank goodness I go to work and can concentrate on big problems like ladies walking around with mullets.....lol

We met with our local CAS yesterday and that has just taken this to a whole new level....I am just not sure what we can handle.....one minute I feel so selfish for thinking or more importantly writing that....and then the next I get angry that we even have to think about this.....why can't this just be easier.....

People have been asking me why I haven't blogged in a bit...well to be honest, I have revisited this post so many times today, mostly because I can hardly imagine opening myself up this much....to anyone...I don't want people's pity....I already know every cliche....this is just a valley.....thank GOODNESS I know that a hill is always just around the corner......

m :)

8 comments:

BB said...

Oh my goodness, Michelle! I know so much of how you feel. Know that you aren't alone, you aren't selfish and everything you are feeling is totally normal.... doesn't help, huh? It still sucks to feel that way.

Infertility, waiting and feeling like you are in a holding pattern are some of the worst feelings I have ever felt. It is the farthest thing from fun. I hope you get up on a hill soon, my friend! Until then, know that we are pulling for you!!

Rebekah said...

This takes me back...Could have ripped this from my journal, my friend. I wish I had the magic pill to feel your heart with unspeakable joy...

Don't give up. Keep pressing through.

The bright side of the story is that you will NEVER take your family for granted. You will never forget these days. You will be a better mom from all this darkness.

Melba said...

Yay for hills just around the corner! I know there are no words or cliches that can bring you comfort. I know it all too well.

But you WILL get through this, and just like Rebekah says, you will be stronger for it.

Thinking of you as you work your way through the valley!

Melba

loveyoualready said...

I chuckled at your brother comment...I have a younger brother who is almost 26 and it recently occurred to me....he could have a child BEFORE me...and he's single!!!

Isn't it terrible how the mind works?

Keep your chin up and know you are doing everything you can...you'll get there!!

the "mom" said...

i do not understand your situation but I do understand valleys...

i don't have any answers

but I am thinking of you

Lynnette said...

You will make it through. You will have ups and downs and don't feel guilty for your feelings. They are all valid. I felt the same way so many times. I know your baby will find you and hubby. Blog for comfort, we are all here for you, to help you through your journey!!

GsMomAswifey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
GsMomAswifey said...

I just wanted to let you know that even though I don't comment much, I'm here reading. I silently hope and pray for your baby to find it's way. However, this post touched me. It's not easy to share such deep sadness with people but at the same time you need support. You can not do this alone. Trust me when I say that I have been there, I have thought about giving up on motherhood. The pain was too much to handle, everything played over and over in my head (my little brother is having a child before me, my husband can have children maybe I should just let him go). I seriously thought that I would never be a mother but it happened. I still can't believe it sometimes.
Hang in there and please know that there are a lot of us here pulling for you without pity...just a shoulder to cry on...