Wednesday, November 18, 2009

the plan.....

I wonder sometimes what life will bring...what is our future? I have always been a planner....I plan...I plan very very well!! I like to be scheduled, it is the nature of my business..you make an appt and you arrive on time....everything is minute by minute...yes I know that sounds super annoying to some of you...but that is how I roll......I plan, I make lists and then make another list just to be sure.......from a very young age I started to plan out my future..some things have gone to "plan...but I have learned that lots of times plans change...often for the better!!


So when I start thinking about our future....I can't help myself from planning, or at least thinking about a plan.....our future plan!

This is when things get very very confusing for me! I feel like we had a plan and then that changed, we have embraced that change we have actually grown to love this new plan....the plan to grow our family through adoption...the plan of welcoming a child and potentially, hopefully their birthfamily to be a part of our lives....yes not even close to the plan that I thought of as a young twentysomething but this has become my dream now.....this is what our future looks like in my mind.



As I sit here 14 months into our wait, I get frustrated, confused wondering if I should be planning something else, have a backup plan so I can be prepared for what might be...yes I am still trying so hard to stay positive and believe that this is all going to work out. I just can't help myself though, from trying to wrap my head around the fact that it just might not.....I know that sounds so negative and this won't make sense to many of you...but I need to prepare myself for this......I need to know that somehow, someway I am going to be okay if this doesn't work to "plan"......
I seem to be the type of person that can deal with anything if I am prepared....so I have started to think about this.....asking myself all of the dreaded questions....will we be okay....will we find comfort if there are no children to fill our lives....I know that the most important thing for me is to be able to spend the rest of my days with my husband...if I can't have that then nothing would be worth it......so I continue to pray that somehow... I will gain the strength to deal with whatever plan takes place.......

just some Thursday ramblings...this just seems to be where I am at right now....confused, trying to stay positive......wondering what our future looks like......
m :)

3 comments:

Shelley said...

(((hugs))) What your sw told you about being her only childless couple should give you hope. Birthmothers usually pick childless couples.

Prabha said...

Could so relate to this post of yours. Am a planner too and I handle things better when I am prepared for it. Hugs! Hope you will not need a Plan B.

Jamie D said...

hey cous.
i like to make numerous lists (like urself).
i make lists about the different ways life can go and then i plan for each and every one... that way im always prepared lol.
lisa A, list B, list C
then an action plan for each.

i know it doesnt really help... but there is always that great feeling we get when we make a plan and finish a list. this time you get 3!! (or 2 or however many!!!) and perhaps even get a new pretty note book.