Tuesday, January 27, 2009

it's time to click the dreaded "friend request"....

So we all love this darn facebook thing...and for the most part it has been a very pleasurable experience for me as well. I have made contact with so many people that I wouldn't have otherwise, my relationships with my "younger" nieces, nephews and cousins have grown much stronger because of it, etc etc...overall it has been great!!!!

Now as always, there is a flip side to everything...for the past 8 or 9 months I have been noticing a certain name from my past on my facebook homepage. I have been struggling with what to do with it!! When I see this particular name...I feel nausea overtake my body, I have not spoke of this situation to many but now I feel like I need some advice....now I know what many of you are thinking...ahh this is going to be juicy..an ex, or a long lost..oh I don't know...well don't get overly excited here...it's a girl...a girl from elementary school.....and so the story begins....

So back in the day I had a best friend....lets call her Michelle...haha that was her name actually...I would bet a ton of money that Michelle will never read this blog, let alone accept my friend request on facebook, so I feel relatively comfortable using her real name here..but if you are reading...please....please read on....:)

Michelle and I had tons of fun together, lots in common, we where inseparable for many, many years...we went through many things together...elementary school stuff...bras, periods, how to put make-up on all that fun stuff! Then high school came and we still maintained our very close friendship....all through grade 9 and then grade 10 happened....

Now I really can't pinpoint it exactly, or maybe I have just blocked it from my memory. I really don't know what happened to me in Grade 10....could it have been peer pressure...or did I really suddenly think I was "that" cool(I wasn't by the way), for some reason though as soon as we entered those big front doors at SHDHS, on our first day back in Grade 10.............I decided that I no longer wanted or needed to be friends with the other Michelle........uggghhh I can hardly write this...it is soooo terrible, I really don't know what I could have been thinking...it will go down for me as the meanest(is that even a word), most selfish, terrible thing I have ever done to another person!!!
I can even remember Michelle calling me on the phone to see what the heck my problem was and I told her that I thought we had just grown apart...yes people I can remember saying those words...it was like a really messy break-up..........uuugggg.

I really haven't discussed this with many people, I'm sure my parents wondered hmm I wonder where Michelle is these days??? I don't really remember discussing it with them, but I am sure I just made something up to cover up how despicable I had been....I do remember feeling very guilty right away but I just didn't know how to take it back...honestly I STILL can't believe I was so terrible!

So fast forward 15 years and now you have facebook....with all its glory.....everything from your past staring you in the face........I had heard about Michelle from various people over the years.......little tidbits here and there...and then one day I saw it her name on my home page...oh she had become friends with this person and that person....and I would contemplate should I add her...and then I would say to myself....yeah right give your head a shake...no person in there right mind would accept after the way you had treated them...and I totally understand...I wouldn't either.....

In the past few days another old classmate of ours, has clearly just received a scanner for Christmas. I do believe she has scanned no less than 40 pics from our elementary school days.....so you can imagine everyone is commenting..."oh look how funny we look"..."oh my god look at Michelle's hair", etc, etc....so I have commented, and the other Michelle has commented. It just seems so funny that I can't even bring myself to ask her to be my "friend" on facebook...I am "friends" with every other person in these pictures...some of them I probably spoke no more than 50 words my whole time in elementary school...so why can't I get over it and just ask her... Then I could at least get my apology off my chest....is it that I'm afraid of being rejected???...Even though I wouldn't blame her in the least...this shit from our younger years effects us for years to come you know....
I for one, have still not gotten over my bra being taken at a sleepover, hidden and frozen and then hung on a very cute boys coat hook in grade 6.....haha :)

I read a blog today about accepting(or not accepting) friendships from people on Facebook and it got me thinking, isn't it funny how differently we all view things....if and hopefully when I get the courage to click that "add friend button" it will be asking for forgiveness and hopefully mending some fences....healing something that has truly bothered my for years.....my actions, no one else's...I don't expect that Michelle would ever forgive me(and I don't blame her)...but just knowing that she sees, that I do realize how awful I was...I won't make any excuses..I was mean and I can't take it back...but I do want to make her aware, that I am sorry..even after all these years...
So from now on, I'm going to take a closer look at those "friend requests" on Facebook...I sure hope Michelle will when she receives mine!!

:)

1 comment:

Bri said...

Do it. I did the same thing to my BFF. I was a little younger (7th grade), but we are best friends today. She is one of the greatest people I know and I literally don't know where I would be without her.

People make mistakes (especially in Jr High and High School) and you should give her the chance to forgive you so you can forgive yourself. If she doesn't then you may feel bad, but you never know; she could be just waiting for you to make the first move. You might make her day. Good luck!