Wednesday, February 18, 2009

my heart is sad.........

So I have been trying really hard not to mention the whole adoption thing lately...I was feeling like maybe I was sounding a bit bitter or that it seemed like I was always depressed about all of this. I realize others have much bigger problems going on in there lives, "T" and I are very lucky...we have each other and wonderful families...we have much more than most and we are forever grateful.......but I guess everything in life is relative isn't it.....we are never given more than God thinks we can handle. I know that we are going to get through is just really really hard!

It's funny, right at this moment I seem to be doing relatively well....that doesn't mean I don't think about adoption and our situation all the time but I seem to be more at peace with it in my head.........but my heart is breaking for my husband right now...he is sad.......he is wondering more about when and why and all of those questions that only we who have been down this road can understand.

In the past few weeks a few things have always a few more pregnancy announcement's....this time they were mostly from "T"s colleagues...which was something we haven't had to deal with to this point. All of "T's" group of close friends have had there children, so he hasn't been hit with that as of yet unlike my group of girlfriends...which are all at the same point as we are right now, so yes I hear this news all the time from them..and truly they are such close friends of mine that I am usually anticipating it so it usually isn't a huge shock........

This week some people that "T" has become close with in the last year or so, made a "surprise" know the kind.....oh wow we were not planning on having anymore children but surprise.....:) So it definately came as a bit of a shock to us as well.....and I think it was just the timing of it all that was hard, we had heard some other couples had had there babies the same day, some people I know off were chosen by a birth mother and this was...well just one more I have said before, it is not the fact that people are expecting, have had a baby or chosen that is hard....we are truly very happy and excited for all of these people, it is just living with our unknown...wondering and wishing and hoping that this is going to happen for us too!

This is the first time in my life that my heart is truly feeling desperately sad.........I want to take all the sadness and pain away from "T".........I know how he is feeling so therefore I know there is nothing I can do or say to take the sadness and helpless feeling away.......I do know that it will get better...the feeling will numb a bit, for awhile.......until the next time.........I know that when I am sad he is feeling the same way, he wants to fix it to take it away from me..but we can't...we both have to feel this and take this journey as it comes....I know we will get through this together....and when we are sitting one day with our baby we will know that all the pain and sadness has been sooo worth it, to have this miracle in front of us........that we have been trusted by many but most of all God to have the privilege to raise this wonderful child....oh I can't wait!!!



chermonblie said...

I feel for you guys. We'll send some good thoughts into the universe that your precious baby will make his/her way to you soon.

Rebekah said...

It is very difficult to see the silver lining in this whole mess when your heart is so overwhelmed with sadness...All I can say is hang in there. Keep pushing through that pain. One day you'll come through to the other side.

Brooke said...

Its hard to see the one you love most hurting - I can't imagine how difficult it would be as a hurt you share. my prayers are with you.

Maki said...

Aw Michelle... I don't even know what to say except you'll get through it. It's so much easier to said than done, but I'm cheering and praying for you and "T"..

I have two close friends who have wanted to have a baby, but no luck yet, so I understand what you're going through.

You'll have your baby in your arms - it will happen. Sometimes, God saves the best for last and I know it will happen for you!!!!

Even it's hard, let it happen...


Bri said...

Michelle- all I can say is that I get it. I really do. I have felt that way and I know I will feel that way again.

The worst part about this is how others' happiness can have a negative impact on us. It makes me feel bad- but their happiness is just another reminder of my empty uterus and empty nursery.

It will get better for us. I know it will and then it will all seem worth it. I am with you that I can wait.... but it isn't easy!!

Beth said...

I'm sorry.
The process must be so hard.
My thoughts are with you.

Doublebanker said...

Sometimes it's tough...definitely feel yer pain.

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Dionne said...

I am sorry to hear about this weight on your heart. Not that I have children, but I know that they are a blessing, and I know that God will give you that blessing when the time is right.

Praying for you,

The Me/ The Wife/ The Mom said...

I am praying for you.

I know that you are going to realize your dreams and prayers for a child to love.