Saturday, February 28, 2009

........this is one crazy ride..........


It really is funny how your emotions can change in the course of a week isn't it? Have I ever told you that I HATE roller coasters......so why does it feel like I have bought an annual pass at Canada's Wonderland right now.....this is one hell of a ride.......Monday I was feeling so determined and focused.... for the rest of the week nothing could stop me...(I must say I did get tons accomplished this week)........and then something happens! As I have said before, something is done or someone says something and it all comes rushing back........that thing, that nagging feeling locked deep inside of you that just won't go away!

This post is going to be difficult for me to write and difficult for some to read.........but I must write anyways.....I feel I need to journal about this, I don't want to forget this part........

Last night I went to a baby shower for a dear friend of mine.........I will be honest, I was a bit apprehensive about it. Most would think that I was feeling that way because it was a baby shower....quite contrary actually, I was apprehensive only because the majority of the people there I really don't see too often anymore.......I definitely have not seen any of them since T and I have started the adoption process....for some reason this was making me sooooo uncomfortable!

It really is funny, I can talk to anyone at work but put me in a room outside of my comfort zone and I am just an idiot...........it is like my tongue is actually tied....I have NOTHING intelligent to say.........ahhhh and I wish I could report that last night was different.........but it just wasn't...it felt odd and uncomfortable.........no one's fault but my own.......I have alienated myself from most of these people(by my own doing) and now things are just weird!

It all started out okay...........I meet my dear friends Jenny(the host) and Dee(the Mom of honor) in the kitchen...whew safe these 2 are great friends of mine so that was perfect....but then after I left the safety of there company, I was on my own...........Jill was not so fashionably late...my partner in crime for these sorts of situations...ahhh all right I said I am a big girl I can do this.....well as I entered the room I thought, the babies get a baby and you will be fine........so I b-lined it over to Keegan and waited for the person holding him to give him up..........ahh perfect when you have a baby in your hands, you can just talk to them or at least talk about them to anyone that comes near you..............haha my plan was unstoppable, until someone else thought they should be able to hold him....the nerve...hehe......so I had to give him up and had empty arms once again.........amazing how empty hands also for me meant, empty brain, empty social skills.......yikes........let the games begin!!!!

So the night progressed with a bit of chatter.............finally one girl that I was chatting with finally asked (after about 30 mins of me asking about her kids and what was going on in her life).........."so enough about me, what's new with you".........hmmm did she really want to know????? Nope don't think so, because before I could get my answer out she had bolted.........okay........well that was enough of that.....I needed to move on.........

So I headed to the kitchen where the babies where getting ready to leave with there grandparents for the night.............I have know Dee's parents for years, so I was excited to see them.......it was just so awesome to see them so excited to be able to take there grandchildren for there first sleepover at there house........unfortunately this is where my emotions got the best of me........I don't know why, it was not anything anyone said or did to me........it was just seeing them so excited, it just started to make me feel so sad for my parents. I know, I am sorry that sounds so selfish.........PLEASE don't get me wrong.........I am so excited for them, it just made me feel, well guilty or sad or something I can't even explain it..............but I feel that my parents are missing out.......and I just hope that they will be able to have that joy someday........because I know they will be the best grandparents....
I know how hard it is for us, and I think it must be just as difficult for them.......all of there friends have grandchildren, or are expecting grandchildren.......it must be just as hard for them to listen to all their friends stories about upcoming births or the latest tales of babysitting grandchildren etc..........
I can't pinpoint why this hit me so hard last night, all of this has crossed my mind before...but for some reason when Dee's mom said to me " FINALLY, I have been waiting years for this moment" and believe me she has...and she was just so cute last night, but I just about lost it........all I could picture was my Mom standing there saying the exact same thing...I just stood there hoping, praying and wishing for the day that she will be saying the exact same thing, as she carries her grandchild out the door!!! :)

m :)






13 comments:

Jamie D said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Dear Michelle: Yes, it is a crazy ride but I know we don't have to tell you that we are glad that we have the kind of relationship that we can be in the back seats of Terry and your car on that roller coaster. Love you lots. Mom and Dad

Reggie Boppy said...

I know my mom is constantly asked by her peers if she's a grandma yet. I know it pains her heart as much as it pains mine. I think it's a natural instinct to want to take away's someone's suffering, and it's frustrating that we are at the mercy of the adoption world.

Erica said...

Oh Michelle....I know exactly what you mean. I have that feeling a lot, too. I know how much joy a child would be to us, and I want SO much to give the joy of a grandchild to our parents. I think of how long they have waited and how all this IF stuff has not only put our plans out of schedule, but theirs, too. And even though I know there is nothing I can do; that it's not my fault, it hurts because I want so much to be able to give them that. Just remember that the ride will soon be over and you'll all have a baby to love on. You just got to get through the drops on the ride....Hang in there.

Dionne said...

I love Baby Showers, but I am soooo sorry that this was not easy for you (understandably so). Your heart for children totally shines through in this blog, so hang in there - I know that this adoption thing will happen for you! I KNOW it!!!!

Prayers, hugs and lots of chocolate,

Dionne

Rebekah said...

Oh M...

I happen to LOVE roller coasters...but detest the emotion one we've been on for I don't even remember how many years!

I completely relate to everything you felt at the shower...It's not always about the obvious. Many times it's the small things that open the floodgates of tears. I can't tell you how many times I found myself in your shoes. Eventually, I started avoiding gatherings that offered potential meltdowns!

Don't give up. Stay the course. YOU WILL BE A MOMMY.

the "mom" said...

Michelle....

You have lots of support out there Michelle. Know that I and the girls are in your corner. We may not be on the roller coaster ride with you guys directly but we are can definitely see and feel it going by.
I know your pain of "feeling" like the odd man out. I promise that it will work out. Stay strong. You are a smart, beautiful and talented woman who will be "the MOM" someday too!!

michelle said...

you're all so kind....thank-you so much for your support...:)

xo

The Me/ The Wife/ The Mom said...

Michelle, Every time I read your posts I feel privileged to be allowed inside this journey you are taking. The one thing that strikes me about most of your posts related to your adoption process is that be it an adoption or a physical pregnancy, the results and feelings are the same. Emotional ups and downs, fears, joys, discomfort (physical and mental), expectation...all of it. I may have said this before, but it is all the same whether the baby is born in your belly or your heart...the journey is sometimes long and always emotional. I continue to pray for you and your growing family.

Maki said...

I used to dream about my parents becoming grandparents, especially when my mom started dialysis. I really wanted her to be the grandmother. I prayed and prayed and it came true.

Now she hasn't seen my girls for almost two years because we're so far away which hurts me inside.

I know how hard it is for you and sometimes, it can totally drain you emotionally and physically.. But I know, your mom will hold your baby in her arms, just like you've pictured and she will be the best and most wonderful grandma there is!!!

Stay strong.. we're here for you to listen when you need to let it all out because you need the outlet to do so, otherwise it will eat you up!!!

Hugs and Kisses and ton of good luck!!!

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Jamie D said...

maybe it runs in the family... the hate for rollercoasters (whether it be real life or the actual rides).

was thinking about ur post for a while... (hence my not re posting my comment right away) - and the great thing about roller coasters (both kinds) is that they cannot last forever. The ride will end (well this particular ride).......

sooner or later your going to be blogging about the next roller coaster your on while this one is just a memory!

love ya tonnes!
xo
Jamie

Sally Bacchetta said...

Michelle, if I didn't hate cliches I'd say, "I know exactly how you feel." Then I'd tell you that "I'm sure your baby will find you. Everything happens for a reason." But since I do hate cliches (however true) I'll just say that your baby is going to have an awesome mom. And when it happens, the wonderfull-ness blows the heartache out of the water. I guarantee it!
Thanks for your comments on my blog. I'm looking forward to getting to know you.
P.S. I was in labor for our (adopted) daughter for 8 years. Yeah, that was fun. But I can't imagine any other kid. You'll see. :)